Big Brother 13 Episode 15: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

August 11, 2011 Matt Hoffman Big Brother, Big Brother 13 164

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Wednesday night’s episode marked the pivotal moment where Big Brother Season 13 officially became the overall most collectively moronic cast of characters to ever play the game of Big Brother. We’ve seen some nitwits in the past, but I’ve got to think that CBS was trying to cast the biggest strategic idiots that they could find. I’m getting ahead of myself, though – let’s rewind a bit…

We start with a flashback to Kalia’s nomination speech where she tries to be all “hard ass” but comes off all “dumb ass” instead. She talks about how she’s going to “jump, grow wings, and fly on the way down”. I’m not sure what that means, but it looks like the old “when pigs fly” adage is taking on a comically ironic reality.

Rachel takes her nomination pretty hard, but Shelly is there to pick up the pieces and regulate Rachel’s emotional state:

SHELLY: C’mon, Rachel – you have more class than this.

RACHEL: Really? You have seen my weekly live-eviction dresses that barely cover my labia, right?

SHELLY: Stay strong for Brendon! It’s just a game, Rachel. Don’t get so worked up.

RACHEL: If it’s just a game, then why do people keep making personal attacks at me?

SHELLY: Because you’re a mess.

Like the emotional locust that she is, once Rachel has sucked all of the sympathy that she could out of Shelly, she moves on to Jordan in the Have Not room. Rachel dishes out the over-dramatics in full force, including threatening to leave, packing her suitcase just slow enough to give Jordan time to intervene, and crying as intensely as someone can cry who has had their tear ducts sealed shut with botox.

Once Big Brother sees that Rachel is sufficiently broken down in the Have Not room, they begin to start pumping the hormone gas into the HoH ventilation system. Another success from Big Brother, as Kalia has an irrational crying fit (this time complete with actual liquid tears!). We never truly understand why Kalia is so upset. She claims that she is “so stressed out”, but I’m not understanding how slothing around the HoH room while cowering in fear, succumbing to the wishes of anyone who comes up to tell you what to do, and making no decisions on your own while you are the only one who is in no danger of going home this week could be considered “stressful”.

The time comes to pick names for the veto competition, and since Jeff is on the block he automatically gets to play. Based on this season’s track record, I have to believe that this still will not prevent a “Jeff” chip from being pulled which will somehow clone another Jeff into the competition. You can never have enough Jeff, right CBS?! Alas, the other three people chosen to play are Adam, Shelly, and Jordan. Adding Kalia to that mix, we can safely assume that this is going to be one of the most intense competitive battles in Big Brother history. Porsche is chosen as the host, but she’s not sure what that means. After looking around the room and getting affirmation that it’s not a bad thing, she awkwardly claps with the rest of the houseguests.

After the names are pulled, Big Brother shifts the hormone gas back into the Have Not room where Shelly, Jordan, and Jeff walk right into it. Shelly goes into a rage about her loyalty for the vet alliance, and then Jordan breaks down sobbing. Jeff should win something just for being able to maintain his sanity in this nut-hut. When Jeff goes to talk to Shelly one-on-one, she tells him “from the beginning…I’ve had the sole intention of getting you two [Jeff/Jordan] to the end.” Great gameplan, Shelly! At least now we know why CBS cast you, since the network’s wet dream is an entire collection of houseguests whose primary objective is to keep Jeff and Jordan on television as long as possible. Jeff then offers to make out with Shelly, and I wipe vomit off my chin.

Time for the veto competition! This is an “ancient Greece” themed comp, and Jordan gets excited because all the players get special Greek nicknames!

Shelly = “Shellypso”
Adam = “Baconathus”
Jordan = “Jordana”
Kalia = “Suckeon”
Jeff = “Jeffaestus”
Rachel = “Tequilius”

When Rachel sees the setup, she announces that she knows what they’ll need to be doing in the competition, but she won’t tell anyone. In Rachel’s wacko mind this is hardball strategy, even though in about 2 minutes the rules will be read to everyone. Way to stick it to ‘em, Rach! In what is probably the most amazing thing that has happened all season on “Big Brother”, somehow Porsche manages to correctly pronounce “Sisyphus” when going over how the comp is played.

During the competition, Shelly continues to show that she is the “Brendon” to Jeff’s “Rachel” as she tells us that she needs to win the veto so that she can save her buddy Jeff from the block. Seriously – what’s going on this season? Were the newbies all lobotomized in sequester before coming into the house? Continuing Big Brother 13’s “Season of Suck” theme, Rachel falls on her face multiple times like she tends to do whenever she’s being active in the backyard, and Kalia decides to stop competing all together in favor of cheering on Jeff. JEFF! THE PERSON SHE JUST NOMINATED FOR EVICTION! Holy hell, my head hurts from watching these fools. On the other side of the competition, Adam proves to be this season’s Enzo by predictably losing everything but prefacing it in the D.R. with things like “this is my chance to finally win a competition” and “now is my time to prove myself”.

Jordan lets us know that Jeff is doing a great job, and he and Adam are “head-to-head”. I’m pretty sure she meant “neck-and-neck”, but Porsche didn’t know the difference between her elbow and her shoulder so I’m not expecting much in the “anatomical accuracy” department from this cast. Jordan goes on to talk about Jeff’s balls, and then Jeff ends up winning the veto.

After the veto competition, Rachel storms into the Have Not room. Bad move, since all that hormone gas is still lingering in there. Consequently we get another Rachel Pity Party™ breakdown, complete with the patented fake crying and dramatic one-liners like “I can’t even stand up for Brendon’s memory”. Hey, Rachel – he’s not dead. After he watches this season he’s going to wish he was. But for right now he’s just fine.

Later on, Jeff goes up to the HoH room to strike fear into the heart of Kalia. This proves to be easier than distracting Porsche with a laser pointer, and Kalia crumbles into submission instantly. Kalia may go down as the worst HoH in the history of Big Brother, as I have yet to see more of a spineless wretch in power in the 13 seasons that this show has been on the air. The icing on the cake is that she boasts the entire time about how independently she is making all of her decisions and how she’s making all these “bold moves” on her own. Puh-LEASE! This is, bar none, the absolute worst cast of strategists the game has ever seen. And while I see the criticisms flooding in that I didn’t play the most flawless game myself, that’s fine. I agree with that. But while I had my sucky moments, these newbies are just big walking blobs of non-stop suck. Which brings us to…

…LAWON! Followers of my weekly ramblings will know that I’m not the biggest Lawon fan out there. So what transpires this week is just sweet justification for all of my criticisms. Let’s break down what happens…

So Lawon gets it in his head that whoever is voted out is definitely coming back. He also is convinced that the evictee will come back with a special power. Theorizing this is completely acceptable. But master strategist Lawon takes it to a whole other level of stupidity and puts so much faith in his assessment of the game that he not only volunteers to go up as a replacement nominee, but HE WANTS TO BE EVICTED! As a superfan of the game of Big Brother, I’m about ready to throw a brick through my television. So far we’ve already had two contestants throw veto competitions (resulting in their subsequent evictions), and now we’re getting someone petitioning for their own eviction?! Lawon’s lunacy is further punctuated with statements like:

LAWON: I’m gonna come back in the house and sail right to the top! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!

Now? Let me see….nope – I still don’t like you.

As the houseguests wait for the veto ceremony to begin, Lawon tells us that he is going to give “the performance of Big Brother history”. Sadly, he has no idea how true that is. Somewhere, Season 3 Marcellas is doing a happy dance because his decade-long title of “Biggest BB Flub” is about to be stripped from his legacy. Everything goes down as planned, Lawon happily gets nominated as a replacement, and Kalia calls this a “win/win situation” (presumably because she was able to be the monstrous pussy that she was hoping to be). Finally, Christmas comes early as Lawon leaves us with this little gem:

LAWON: I don’t mind being evicted this week, because I know the TWIST will bring me back more powerful than ever! How you like me NOW?!

Give me a minute…hmmmm…okay…yeah – I still hate you.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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164 Comments

    • Acehole, I was wrong, you must be like 10 not 12. And no, I’m sure mommy doesn’t know you are on the computer. Hope you had your fun today, because like Lawon, you are leaving. Bye-Bye little man.

  2. I hate Kalia so much, it just makes me angry that I’ll never be able to tell her to her face how much I hate her. She is by far the biggest retard I have ever seen. Also I still want to bone Jordan

      • No one wants to here about how you want to ‘bone’ Jordan. I don’t talk about how I would pay Jeff a million dollars to walk around my house shirtless for a couple of hours. Keep your nasty sexual fantasies to yourself. It’s ‘fustrating’!

      • What, are you saying you wouldn’t want to have sex with Jordan? Do you prefer Lawon? It’s all good man I won’t judge. Also are you implying that Kalia isn’t a full blown dumbass?

    • Damn you got me, yes I’m gay big deal, just because I love me some cock doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about it. And yes Kalia is a moron, we all know that, just calm down with the hate.

      • Often imitated, never duplicated. Matt or Chole, we need to get the banning stick out. This profane and homophobic outburst certainly did not come from me. Thanks, the real Wayne.

      • Acehole. I think you have some very deep sexual issues that you need help with. Hope you get that help. Bye Bye.

      • Marcus, don’t freak out. I just wanted to be sure that a person can change their posting name without changing their e-mail address as acehole obviously did. Marcus just happens to be my middle name. Funny huh?

    • Geez why not just say that you’d like to see Porsche, Jordan, and Dani do a threeway with them just doing girl talk and then it turns to who experimented in college and how good they all look and when they start braiding each other’s hair they all get sooo relaxed, or something like that ya Weirdo. :)

      • Holy boners that would be awesome, Porsche isn’t that hot, but Dani and Jordan more then make up for it. I typed this with my boner btw.

  4. I won’t make it through this season without you. Thanks as always for your columns and show in RTV.

  6. I look forward to these recaps more than I look forward to watching the show or reading the Live Feed updates.

      • I love Matt’s comments. They are definitely more entertaining than the show. It’s like a train wreck. I have watched every season and this is the WORSE. Hopefully next season BB will revamp the show.

  7. Nice job again Matt. I stumbled upon BBAD last season and became hooked. I then looked forward to this season but have already quit watching BBAD.. Glad to know from your writeup that this season is unusually horrible.

  8. Matt, as always, a great job. Can’t wait to see the look on Kaligula and Danimal’s faces when Brendon comes back and Rachel stays. Can you give us your thoughts on Danimal’s gameplay? To me she sucks grapes as bad as the newbees.

  9. I had to refrain myself from laughing to hard to not draw attention since I am at work. I love reading Matt’s reviews. I can’t wait to read tomorrow with all of tonight’s drama.

  10. Last night’s episode was hilarious, but in all honesty, it’s a lose/lose situation for Kalia. You can call her stupid for nominating Lawon, but he volunteered to be evicted, and Kalia doesn’t want to anger Rachel, Jeff, or Jordan anymore. No matter what move she makes, she’ll still be a huge target, so she probably made a semi-wise decision by not nominating Porsche or Shelly. She probably could have gotten away with Adam, but no one can accurately assess just what this twist will do to the game.

    • Why target Kalia when Danis still in the house, shes the one they have to plan to back door if they dont go after her now she just might make it to finale four, or worse final 2

  12. Oh thats funny Matt Lawon will go from being a prop on the show to waking up at home saying I had a dream that I was on BB and I acquired special powers I first was invisible and then I vanished just like that into thin air

  13. I cannot wait until tonight’s live show! Here’s what I’m speculating will occur:

    1. Lawon will be voted out of the house — probably a 5-1 vote, which will STUN Dani and Kalia.

    2. Brendon will be the previously evicted HG voted to return — CBS loves them some drama.

    3(a). The remaining houseguests will be given the choice of either allowing Lawon to return to the house or have a previously evicted HG return to the game. They will choose the prviously evicted HG (J/J/S/A/R will be betting on it being Brendon, D/K/P will be betting on it being Dominic). Brendon will return to the game.

    –OR–

    3(b). Brendon and Lawon will “duke it out” in some sort of BB13 competition. Brendon will return to the game.

    After all the drama, I’m hoping that Jeff wins the next HOH, nominates Kalia & Daniele, and evicts Daniele. I can’t stand another second of her incessant whining. Like, literally. Obviously. Of course.

    • I know I’m not the only one who says things in their own living room like… “Commercials are jus’ so…. FRUS-CRATING!”

      Shhh… Dani, don’t talk so much and just look pretty, un-kay? Thanks.

    • Why would they have America votes if the House guests get to decide who comes back? I dont think that will happen with the House guests making any decisions as to who will come back. But, I am hoping that Brendon comes back and Rachel stays. Then all 4 vets go after Dani and Kalia. Especially go after Dani.

    • Dani will probably win POV since she’s POV queen and Kalia (if she can fit thru the door) will be evicted . Go Jeff and Jordo!

    • JGROG: and you forgot “SHOCKER”, Gah she gets under my skin. Like last nite when Adam & Lawon were talking about there DR’s and his job, and when told to stop discussing DR’s she assumed (as she always does) it was Rachel. If I hear her say shocker anymore I’ll fall out!!

  14. I would truly like to able to attend fanaile(?? spelling) nite and meet the HG’s in person.. I don’t use the word hate in my post..I say “I don’t like”.. and is the events or happenings that I hate. But u can’t judge these people fully unless u meet them face to face…I would really like to know if they are as smart or as dumb as they come across on BB..

  15. Hey Matt how could not mention the bitch dani even once?! For example her bitchy evil laugh during the competition, i like your writing but u sure seem bias…

      • Dani’s my favorite, but I have to admit, that was pretty mean. I’m surprised Rachel didn’t throw a fit or punch Dani in theface or something. And don’t call Dani a bitch. That’s mean!

    • Rachel is a bitch and deserved that, both her and Brendon act like such though shit when they’re in power, but the second they aren’t “IT’S SO UNFAIR” I hope they never reproduce.

  16. Agreed. This season is a total bust. The couples and retread idea was a total failure. My wife already stopped watching after the 1st episode and I would have after Rach’s 2nd HOH win (can’t take watching her at all), but my 9 yr old really enjoys the show, so I power through for her.

    The newbies are just there to serve B&R and J&J or at least that’s the way it seams. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what CBS told them to do.

    I’d love to see how the game would change if they removed B&R (I imagine CBS will bring him back to try to jump the ratings) and J&J. I’d love to know why people on here like B&R at all. I want to rip my eyes & ears off when they’re on. They are bullies when they win & cry babies when they loose.

    I think these players would have done better if they were eased into the game into of getting thrown into the vet fire. It removed the better newbies from the start and left the dumb week ones.

    CBS do a better job next summer. I really want to watch, but you’re making it very, very hard.

    • I agree. If they were going to bring people back, they shouldn’t have brought six of them. It’s just not fair.

  17. Matt, you crack me up. Brilliant writing (and the link to Sarcasm made me literally LOL).

    This definitely isn’t a strong season for characters who are fun to watch. I like Jeff, but when he came off as the wittiest of 14 people, I knew it was going to be a long summer!

    Keep up the great work. We miss your DR sessions!

    Lew

  18. OK Matt, I guess it is up to me to point out Lawon’s big redeeming feature…… At the trashbag wedding, Lawon proved that if EDDIE MURPHY and REDD FOXX had a child, it would be him. So there you have it. Under the right circumstances, Lawon is way funny.

  19. you all this was is big brother controlling the game–they found out that having brendon back in the game will help the ratings game-if you notice you could vote on line -and see results -but now you have to sign up to vote-because the two other guys were way ahead on the vote for then to come back-now they control the vote –they wanted brendon back on–i know i work on big brother it is all fake -they control it all and you never see it –they all think you know what you want to see–any question about the game just ask–i do work on big brother -for me i am tried of they way they contol the game

    • How do they get the HG’s to act sooo dam dumb??? It’s amazing the # of stupid people that CBS manages to locate….

      • OH ..I just threw out an idea for a new show..America’s Dumbest.. featuring losers from the Survivor and BB shows….

    • one question tom is rachal and brandon really that disgusting and yelling at each other all the time. Just wondering because if they get married am getting them therapy sessions. haha

    • what do you do for big brother? see i dont believe you at all maybe they have thier hands in it which they probably do but it makes for good tv and passes peoples time so just let it go if you dont like your job then quit!

    • i knew cba or whoever does this just like when rach goes in cring stomping her feet and then comes back out happy everyone dislikes her come on get her out and if brendum comes bak everyone will know and dani at least she has balls to do something not her fault she got the golden key think it would of been totally different i would like cass to come bak and fire up on shelly for lying and rach “im back bit h” would pay money to see that oh i do lol

      • your forgetting the fact that the first four evicted house guests have been sequestered. So Cassi still has no idea Shelly lied. lol serious the stupidity amazes me.

      • Brenden isn’t actually a rocket scientist, but what he does is even beter. He is earning his PhD. in molecular and chemical science and studying in a research lab to help find a cure for cancer and other diseases. Pretty iimpressive.

    • If Brendon comes back I will not tune in. The drama is not even fun with them. Rachel and Brendon suck double eviction.

      • Give Brendon&Rachel a break. I would like to see them win. He is a rocket scientist,and she is the woman that makes him happy. I can see how much they love eachother. I also would like to see Jeff&Jordan win. They seem to be happy. I like them too. They are loving to eachother.

    • I agree about Abc making arrangements for Brendon. Even the latest letters are geared to Brendon. Everyone hates him and they want us to believe they want him back. I can’t get in to vote on the main vote.

  20. I just checked the polls (I know they don’t mean anything) but cassie and dom are neck and neck and brandon is right behind them. Lets hope there right because I don’t want brandon back in the house.yes he’ll bring drama for a minute than the vets will be in charge just like before and rachal will think she is the best player ever again. do you think will know tonight who will hoh? Also they should give the person coming in a free week-just so they don’t get voted right out again.

    • I’m sure CBS will bring back Brenden. And after B&R and J&J are reunited, it’ll be the bully and crying game once again. And I do like J&J, but can’t stand that they’re with B&R. How can you people want to watch B&R? Is your life that empty? Dani is fine with me, because she seams to be the only one who doesn’t want to give the game to J&J. I guess that’s why people here don’t like her. So, she lies and plays different sides, it’s BB, not life. Realize the difference people.

      • Hi Kettle..i am Pot. Now back your your regular scheduled “i hate b&r and dani is god” show. dude relax. you like Dani..i like her too..as a villian. Her game is no special than anyone else..She was given a key and won 1 comp. Big deal. Her main talent is @ getting others to think her way…Great. B&R, J&J do the same..by declaring WAR..straight up..and straight down… We’ll see who shines in the end.

      • YES we all know it’s a game but some of your personality stays with you in the house and no one(Rachal) can act like that in the house and not out of the house. If she can she needs to go to Hollywood GREAT ACTING. Oh sorry didn’t mean to upset the R\B fans.

      • ziggy, Rachel’s fans don’t get upset, we get even. WE STUFF THE BALLOT BOX FOR BOOKIE!

      • I just don’t understand what type of person would admit to liking those two idiots (B&R). I feel they are making the show even more unwatchable. How is it entertaining to watch BS crying and self praising all the time? I guess their fans are the same fans that loved Jessie. At least he wasn’t crying every two seconds.

      • Hey, I like Rachel and Jessie, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I would much rather watch HGs that are childish but decent at heart, as opposed to those who take pleasure in making other people cry (Cassi, Britney, Daniele, Ragan) or think they are entitled to judge other people because they are so awesome (Shelly, Ragan), or run their mouths without being funny or accomplishing anything (Enzo, Lawon). Maybe I just want to be a parent, I don’t know. To each their own.

    • Ziggy, those polls ur looking at don’t matter. The only one that matters is the CBS poll because it is the official one. All those others are unofficial and inaccurate.

    • At least Rachel can win comps. All Jeff does is claim that he is a great competor, which is a joke. He whines when he is not in charge and bullies when he is. Does he not realize that him and dumb dumb would not have gotten as far as they did last year if AG did not hand the game to them? I am also tirwd of hearing how everyone should have to keep their word to him, but he amd he only can be a liar? Or better yet, how he came into the game so that the “good” people could win. Does that mean the newbies are all bad people just because they have never played before? Please God let him be gone next.

  21. Matt, I didn’t think I could love you any more than I already do, I look forward to your posts week after week, you’re hilarious! I was definitely your biggest fan last year, I bet $50 that you would win, unfortunately you didn’t, but at least I still get to read your posts LOL!!!

    I agree that Lawon is a joke of a player…
    you’re spot on every week with your comments!

    • Sorry babe you’re a little late for the party.
      Once Matt heard gay marriage was legal in NY he quickly divorced his wife, moved to NY, and married Ragen his secret crush from last season. (kidding just in case someone thinks this is true..)

  24. Once again, spot on. I don’t understand why people like JJ. Jeff is a bully meathead and Jordan is a floater playing the I’m the dumb blonde with an accent. As much as BR get on my nerves, they are monster competitors.

    • No problems with floater strategy here, but dont gripe and whine about it if thats the way you won.

      • How is Jordan a floater?….She is loyal to her alliance. She picks a side and everyone in the house knows what side that is. IMO a floater is rockin with whoever is in power. I don’t see Jordan doing that. While she isn’t very good at a lot of competitions she is very good socially. That’s why she can go on the block so often in her precious season and survive. She isn’t viewed as a threat physically and is well liked by everyone. This doesn’t make her a floater but does force her to play differently than Brenchal and Dani. Just sayin…

    • Don’t say she is dumb,just because she is and acts so cute. And is a sincere person. Don’t hate if she thinks of things in a different way than you. I think she is a possitive person. (you sound negative)

  26. >And while I see the criticisms flooding in that I didn’t play the most flawless game myself, that’s fine. I agree with that. But while I had my sucky moments< lol Puh-Lease…self centered much? Beyond that..great post..comments on Kalia are right on the money…

  27. would love for shelly to get caught come on she didnt know what a yam is what how has non of these idiot not caught on to her and jj what is up w/ them i like jordan but to say floaters no one does anything she has a boyfriend that does it for her and yes the hoh but 2 of them threw it so who knows do these people not know its a game your suppose to get the vets out they had there season DONT BRING BRENDUM BACK it will will a rated x show and i cant stand the way he has done everything and eat everything almost as mush as oprah

    • In the south where Shelly hails from the “YAM” is better known as a “Sweet Tater”….LOL

      • Just for the record, there is a difference between a yam and a sweet tater. She may not have been familiar with the taste if they used real Yams and she is used to tasting real sweet taters. Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just saying…

      • No, a yam and a sweet potato are two different things. It takes a southerner to know the difference.

  28. Notice how Matt doesn’t rip on Danielle? Wondering why? Matt is “associated” with Dick. They’re attempting to do business together, but it has been a bigger failure than Matt’s Big Brother game strategy. And on top of that, Matt is PETRIFIED of Dick! (the person, not the appendage)

    • Yeah, but Matt’s wife is dying of some rare desease. Can’t you cut him some slack? Just sayin yo.

      • Maybe Matt doesn’t rip of Dani because he respect her. I don’t think it has nothing to do with Matt and Dick’s business relationship.

        Seeing Dick has even commented on some of Dani’s super risky game moves.

  29. Awesome recap Matt! I totally agree that it has become the biggest thing I look forward to after each episode.

    Oh, and this season is full of nitwits, I just can’t believe how often they think they have the game in their hands and really have no clue what is going on.

    Give Lawon the Marcellas Award, he has earned it!

  30. Nah, your cast was far more retarted. You used your power to eliminate the all powerful Kathy, and you gave away the top 3 to pretty much 3 meat heads, one of them who shoots things with eyes in the dark, might I add.

    • Big Brother 12 was my favorite season, and if your going to use a childish insult, spell it right… retar*d*ed.

  31. This is a brilliant column. Everyone go back and re-read the paragraph that begins: “Like the emotional locust that she is…..” Absolutely brilliant writing. I smell a book in the works re: The BB show in general. I made a note to myself that the newbies are so bad that if one of them wins HOH and does not nominate Vets, well, then, I would lose interest in the show. But what has occurred was beyond my imagination. Now, just like you watch the Rachel trainwreck you now have the newbie trainwreck. You are now tuning in for reasons that have nothing to do with the original idea of the show.

  33. HILL-AIR-RE-US

    Matt you had me cring LMFAO

    I want to see Rachel evicted just to see Lawon get pissed he didnt get to be evicted LOL

  35. I think if America decides who gets to come back, Dominic is a shoe-in. He and Cassie were the only newbies worth watching, and all the forums and chats for the show exploded when Dom got sent home. No one is really intereted in seeing another Keith-Porsche butt rape session, or worse, consensual intercourse between Brendon and Rachel. I voted for Dominic to come back. He’s like a more intelligent version of Hayden, and he’s a competitor. Since Lawon is about as useful as a sack of dead kittens, Dom would crush him if they faced each other. So, in conclusion… GO DOMINIC!

    • Right now Dominic is in 3rd place in our poll with almost 30K votes. He’s even behind Brendon. Several other polls have him in 3rd place as well. Doesn’t look likely if it’s just the top vote getter who competes tonight.

  36. Matt, amazing column. Love the comments but Dani never being on slop, or nominated. I can’t wait to see what she does if her flunkies Kalia or Porsche don’t win HOH and protect her and someone backdoors her. That will make for good tv If Dom comes back she will drop them like no tomorrow and leach on to him again.

  37. Did anyone happen to pick up Dani calling Lawon a “stupid fag” after he left the HoH?

  38. Loved the comments Matt. I especially liked and totally agreed with the Porsche and laser pointer comment. I truly believe it is time for Lewon to go home. I mean think about it has he ever said or done anything even remotely resembling strategy since he he has been in the house?

  39. Matt love your comments, you crack me up and what you write is so true. BB picked the write person for the job.

  40. I totally agree about Kalia. The “when pigs fly” comment is hilarious. I can’t stand her. She talks and talks about how she IS independent and making bold moves, yet she listens to everyone else and actually does nothing independently.

    Lawon is a FOOL! Everything you said about Lawon I was litterally thinking last night as I watched it play out.

    Lawon was actually in a pretty sweet spot. He was coasting along really not on anyone’s radar.
    Now to get back in the game, if evicted, he has to battle one of the four former hourseguests. He couldn’t beat ANY of them in a competition, not even Cassi! He just screwed himself!

    The most “sleeper”, idiotic, and clueless person to play. His cocky comments about sailing to the top etc just were the icing on the cake.

    But, Matt… really, who are you to criticize the players so much and call them idiots etc? Oh because you went SO FAR, right?

    You were extremely cocky too, calling youself a supergenius in every one of your DR’s for coming up with your “supergenius” plan of telling everyone that lie about your wife. Which didn’t even help your gameplay, but in fact just made you look like a total douche in front of the world.

    You have absolutely no credentials at all to be calling these people’s gameplay idiots, as your own gameplay sucked; not to mention all you did was sit around in the house wearing your hoodie and staring blankly at the cameras.

    • I disagree about Matt’s game play. He gained (at first at least) sympathy from the house and was in the most powerful alliance in the Big Brother history (that I remember anyways).

      He was in a good spot until he * it up because he was getting cocky.

      Vanity is a bitch.

    • John… just a note… Matt’s not IN the game anymore. Hating on Matt AFTER you’ve read his hilarious post is just weird. I think someone needs a hug.

  41. Matt-Love the sarcasm as usual. You didn’t mention however the huge amount of CBS altering what really went down this week. Shelly planting the seed of changing the renom, the fact that Jeff and Shelly’s conversation was after the food comp, not the veto. So many others this episode, it’s almost like CBS is changing the whole show…oh, wait…
    I will know for sure something is up if Brenda is the one picked. I can’t imagine him being the most popular vote. He is a TOOL!
    Somehow it seems like Lawon “offered himself up” because “they” needed someone that Cassi and Dominic could easily beat. I’m hoping for Dominic, just because he makes BBAD funny!

    • People are voting for Brenda because they know dumb and dummer need all the help they can get. Just as they needed it in their season.

  43. Agree 1000% w/your assessment Matt. I find it difficult to believe what I’m watching. My jaw is dropping so many times I’m afraid it might fall off. Big Bro should pay Boston Rob some big bucks to go into that house for 24 hours and teach those (I don’t really know WHAT to call them) newbies how to play the game. {Yes, I know he was on Survivor but it’s the same game!)

    • Yes I like Boston Rob too. Reality t.v. Who we like. Jeff&Jordan,Amazing Race. But it did take Boston Rob manytimes to win. I am glad he won.

  44. Matt-You’re doing a great job with the re-caps! They are very detailed,informative and humorous.
    I think Lawon volunteered to be placed on the chopping block because I truly believe that he is tried of BB and really wants to leave. That’s just my opinion when I listen to some of his comments. Also, can’t forget the Tom’s comments re. BB. It is obvious that the show is rigged so shame on you Big Brother! Is your conscious worth the ratings? I guess so since you continue to do the same “mess” year after year.

  45. I agree with you about most of it, expect the “this is the most strategicaly brain dead” cast ever. For one, even Kalia is hoping to get something out of her stupid move. They’re trying to be strategic, just most of them suck at it.

    The exception is Shelley, who was the one who convinced Kalia to not nominate Jordan or Adam. She also has deals with most of the house, most notably an F4 with J/J/A, a soon to be broken F3 with J/J, and a likely to be kept F2 with A. Yet, none of that has made it onto the show.

    The brain dead people on BB13 are the editors.

  46. Thanks for your write ups Matt. I can no longer watch the show this season because it is just so lame. I would rather do housework than watch these buffoon houseguests. CBS should fire whoever recruited these houseguests and came up with the return of the couples theme.

    Where are the real twists, like sabateur or zing bot. Come on CBS hire some entertaining writers and producers.

  48. What fun! I would rather read your stuff than watch those idiots. Thanks for all the laughs.

  49. One thing that bugs the sheet out of me is “ Why , oh why are girls so stupid” and on top of that I am in the same gender group. Sheet!!!
    Honestly, when I see Daniel’s oh I am so evil, look at me, I don’t need anybody, and then there is Kalia which in all I can’t even start to describe other then accomplished idiot, Porsche VIP waitress that will disclose to the other house gests her occupation because guess what they will hate her life accomplishment, really, ARE YOU F-ing JOCKING or the God put on Earth girls like you just to prove to the rest of us not to lie to ourselves and believe in the Girl Power but rather :”Yes, women you have elbow vs. Shoulder, but brain is something that I am keeping for the special ones”…..Then there is Jordan, sweet and innocent, balance to the other three, but again brain question is coming in. Did BB did “cat-scan” and picked up ones that show blank screening test. Has this girl finished elementary school? Here comes the Shelly, mother figure, a balance to evil, good and stupid…now I am scared sheet less about Menopause, way to go Shelly, on top of all of that you can count that all of us smokers now see you in the smoke we blow and the freaking picture is not that pretty. Crap, I am scrud. No, no I haven’t forgot Rachel, in all truth I like her but there it goes again it makes me reconsider some of my actions from the past, especially the ones when you cry, cry, cry, and cry, cry, cry for your loved one and then you dump him. Is she on period, but no that can be it period is periodic this is…not sure daylic. Oh now common don’t be mad girls but think hard as hard as the mushy mass in your scull lets you all of this ladies together is the our mother, mother in law, cashier at the Wallmart, and let’s be honest dip down it’s us with big or little, hairy or Brazilian vg-s. Sad! I now feel bad for my husband. I am not done yet, there is Cassi, the beautiful butterfly, seeming smart but here is the catch, whatever happens to her even if the fish do not bite she’ll blame it on her blinding butty, oh well good for her at least she has that, oh don’t forget the honesty and not backing down and not being afraid, and so on and so on, and then you are voted out. For the end to space things up there is Lawon, half woman, half a man…neither can be decided but sums this group perfectly and puts fear in rest of us.

  50. The only ones making sense to me in this game anymore are Danielle and Jeff. Everyone else is going looney!

  51. Well, CBS figured out a couple of seasons ago how to actually script this show. How timely was the cout et dah for Jeff when it looked like he was doomed. And now Rachel is on the block and tonights episode has everyone in a frenzy. Now, Brendon can only win this evenings competition if it is geared for people with “Big Feet”, does Lawon have big feet? NNNNOOOOOO, does Rachel have big feet? NNNNOOOOOO, well guess who wins. Or, Prince Brendon will throw the competition to his Repunzel and all is good in OZ! That is all I have to say on this matter……

  52. OMG. Matt I said exactly the same thing about Rachel saying she couldn’t even play in Brendons memory. Hahaha. He’s not dead ya goof. LOL

  53. @Riley first of all Jeff was not on the block when he used his cout d’etat. He saved russell and i forget who else and put up jesse and natalie. So how was he in trouble? Maybe you should actually know what your talking about before you talk. Oh and learn how to spell too. And lastly prince brendon, Rapunzel not repunzel and OZ? What the f*ck do any of those things have to do with each other?

    • I think Chima was HOH and she put up Lydia and Russell and Jeff saved those 2 and put up Natalie and Jessie? I think. LOL

    • Hey Steve I agree with you 100%! All the “newbie” fans seem to have to blame someone else for the Vet victories, CBS, Production, casting, How about just how stupid and spineless the “newbies” are! Sure, blame Jeff. Throw whatever you want at the wall and see what sticks, but Matt is rightin some respects- Dani ( who obviously consders herself a brilliat “puppet master”), Kalia (the puppet) and Lawon, well I can’t even go there with him, will go down as the dumbest players in BB history! The wicked witch with those hideous black hair extensions should be packing her bags now! Jeff through down the gauntlet honestly and Kalia and Dani fell for it hook line and sinker- it’s that simple, and peole are picking on Jeff’s game play? He had the guts to call Dani out in front of everyone for her plan to backdoor him and not only is he still in the game, but so are Rachel, Jordan and Brendon will soon be there too! This is comical! Regardless of sour grapes against Jeff or any of the Vets, for that matter, are just a waste of time. If Dani had waited awhile to split with her alliance, she may have played a more intelligent game, but her libido took over and she screwed herself! Com has himselfto blame for throwing the veto! I guess the “regulators” must now be refering to their bowel movements!

      • And of course I was refering to Dom not Com, which could actually be short for comical! Hmmm!

      • Roxie ..if Jeff is a hero for calling out Dani for trying to back door him…why isn’t Dani that same hero for trying to get a competitor before he gets her…which he is constantly saying…?

    • Steve, Jeff was in trouble because his alliance was in pieces. By saving Russel, he created an alliance with him, Jordan, Russel and Michelle and took out Jessie and Natalie. So he was in trouble. Don’t accuse other people on their Big Brother knowledge or speling, because you definitely need a grammar improvement too and with your Big Brother knowledge it is evident that you don’t know the full story involving Jeff.

  55. Steve, maybe YOU should know what you’re (Yes, add the apostrophe and re) before you start critiquing someone else.

    • “Steve, maybe YOU should know what you’re before you start critiquing someone else.”

      That makes no sense… Just saying. So maybe you should double check what you write before YOU criticize someone.

  56. Haha…this is the first time I’ve seen this site and I could not stop laughing at your recap! Well done, Matt!! I couldn’t have said it better myself (really).

  58. Excellent summary ! LOL
    Most stupied cast in BB history, with NO competition!!!
    Kaila, Lawon, Dani, most stupid cast ever!
    Think it was hypocrytical of CBS to edit out that Shelley was in fact the one who planted the whole idea in Kailas little needle head.

  59. can’t stand Big Brother this year. Wish Dick stayed in house, Rachel would have been gone with Brandon. Can’t watch Rachel any more…sorry BB really f#*@ up this season.

  60. Ummm… wasn’t it you who wasted a Diamond Power of Veto by getting Kathy, yes, Kathy out of the house? Wasn’t it you who made a ridiculous lie about your wife having some life threatning disease? Wasn’t it you who thought you were still in with the Brigade when they clearly kicked you to the curb? Just sayin’

  61. Agree with Mike. You are the biggest dumbass of Big Brother, how you think YOU can make fun of this season’s cast is beyond me.

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