Big Brother 13 Premiere: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

It’s with great pleasure that I introduce our first ever Big Brother HG guest writer here at Big Brother Network: Matt Hoffman. Regulars here know how much I enjoyed Matt’s game play last season for his strategic approach and lets-make-this-fun attitude.

I was thrilled when Matt agreed to join us here each week through the season to share his unique perspective about the game. Please give Matt a warm welcome and then look out for his posts all season. – Matt (BBN)

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Hello, Big Brother superfans! It’s Matt Hoffman from Season 12, and I’ve been carefully selected to dish my thoughts on this season’s episodes to the viewers of the Big Brother Network! With all of the articulate intellects that were in the Brigade (Bra-gade?) with me last summer, I’m quite surprised and flattered that I was the one chosen to pull this duty, so THANK YOU Big Brother Network!

Let’s get right into this. It’s the Big Brother premiere, which means we get to see all the badass totally-not-staged opening intros. First up…

…25-year-old Dominic. Dominic is a virgin that lives at home with his mom. Part one of Dominic’s description is directly related to part two.

Next we meet Cassi. She’s a model and drinks beer. I don’t hate her as much as I thought I would.

Then we meet Lawon, who I definitely hate as much as I thought I would.

Houseguest #4…Keith! When Keith isn’t preaching, he’s chasing girls (his words, not mine). Keith makes Jesus cry.

The next person we meet is Shelly Palin, who I pegged from the start to be my least favorite. Shelly does not disappoint in that category. Her philosophy is “look like a lady, and act like a man”. This is the exact opposite of Brendon’s philosophy, so maybe they should team up?

Up next is AAAADDDDAAAMMMM!!!! We learn very quickly that Adam can scream. Adam was one of my favorites pre-season, but I don’t know how much of that yelling I can take. Especially with Rachel’s cackle going on alongside it.

Lucky number 7…Kalia. She writes sex blogs. I’m just hoping she makes Dominic a man before this season ends.

And finally, the vile and vapid Porsche – who delusionally describes herself as being the “hottest person everywhere she goes”. Which is true, if she spends most of her time volunteering at homeless shelters.

After entering the house and all the annoying shrieking ends, the houseguests sit down to introduce themselves to one another. Keith tells them he’s a matchmaker. In the diary room he says that he doesn’t want them to know he’s an ordained deacon. At home I sit and watch “Human Resource Manager” under his name. Even I, as a notorious Big Brother liar, am thoroughly confused.

Adam screams. Shelly talks about being plain. Kalia rhymes her name with Kahlua, like an alcoholic Dr. Seuss. Dominic talks about being completely helpless. Porsche tells us that her parents’ sense of humor consists of ensuring years of childhood ridicule by naming their kids after cars. She also lies to everyone by telling them she’s a student when she’s really a cocktail waitress. You mean she DIDN’T get into college? Porsche??? No! Lawon carries on the intros by boring us to tears in the best stereotypical homosexual way possible. And Cassi rounds it out by warding off Keith’s unwanted perverse advances.

It doesn’t take long for the houseguests to look around and figure out that there’s more people coming into the house. Even Porsche did the simple math, proving this was a no-brainer. In the midst of conspiracy theories, Chenbot comes in and tells them they need to pair up. Keith’s boner-radar instantly hones in on Porsche. Cassi pairs up with Shelly and makes the most useless tandem in Big Brother history. Adam screams out Dominc’s name, thus scaring him into partnership. And then Kalia and Lawon become the “fat kid in gym class” who are forced to pair up together because they’re the only two left.

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for! (well, everyone without internet access who has read all the spoilers, at least) Here come the new houseguests!!! Brendon & Rachel (“Brenchel”) from Season 12, Jeff & Jordan from Season 11, and Dick & Danielle from Season 8. I now have literally PUDDLES of vomit around me at the prospect of how this season is already starting off. Dick plays the “crazy old man” card well by announcing himself as the only winner in the house (Jordan???), instantly and awkwardly outing his tumultuous relationship with his daughter, and listing himself as a “Website CEO”. I know Dick personally (BECAUSE of the “website” in question…shameless RTVZone.com plug!), and I like him. But Dick calling himself a “Website CEO” is the ridiculous equivalent of Season 10 bartender Memphis calling himself a “Mixologist”. C’mon, man…you’re not fooling anyone.

Onto the HoH competition where everyone needs to hang from slippery hot dogs. Oh no, wait – that was last season’s first HoH competition. This season is COMPLETELY different (as we all know, Big Brother would NEVER recycle competitions), and the cast has to hang form slippery BANANAS. Nothing like blatant phallic innuendo to kick off your summer family-time programming each year, right CBS?!

The newbies all want to gang up on the returning houseguests to get them out of the house. They use their super-powers of supreme boredom to try and make the old players fall asleep and drop from the banana, but since Rachel was on Season 12 she is totally immune to boredom and she wins HoH.

Just when we think we’ve gotten as twisted up as we can get, Julie Chen pops on the screen dressed like M. Night Shyamalan and tells them about some “Golden Key” thing that saves people for four weeks. I hope this Golden Key is constructed better than last year’s Diamond Power of Veto or else these people won’t even HAVE the thing for four weeks. As this first episode comes to a close, we are left to (say it with me) “eavesdrop on the houseguests” as they all put their pea-brains together to try and understand the convoluted rules this season.

Live feeds come at midnight after the premiere, and my prediction is that (after almost 6 days of being in the house) they will flip on to show everyone still in the living room trying to understand what’s going on.

Until next time, superfans!…

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

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72 Comments

    • Refreshing and too funny! Always luvd ur POV!

      ..LMFAO on the Shelly/Brendon connection!

  1. Great to have you here at BBNetwork Matt, you are my fave from last season. Hope to see you on BB Allstar. This is too freaking awesome.

  2. This is hysterical. I hope you continue to cover this season… it may be the only reason I watch.

    • The plan is to have Matt join us with a discussion post (recap, review, etc.) a couple of times a week all season so hopefully that’ll all work out. Should be awesome!

  3. Wow, i loved this. U really cracked me up Matt. And these ppl are totally confused by the rules of the twists. They are all complete idiots. still not sure who i am rooting for.

  4. Come on I do not want to see repeat participants. I am already sick of them in one season. Why torture us by bringing them back??????????????????

    • I agree. I loved Jeff and Jordan, but she’s already won the game once. Brenden and Rachel…really Big Brother, really? Do you hate your viewers? I think that of all the people that submit to be on the show you have to pick half the cast as do overs???? Go back and start over bc I want some new faces!

  5. didn’t like Matt Hoffman from last season and still think he a little twerp full of self importance.

  6. Matt, I really enjoy and appreciate your writing style and am looking forward to reading more.

  7. I’m so happy you guys got Matt! His writing is hilarious. It’s nice to get the perspective of someone who has been in the game. I can’t wait to read more!

  8. All I got from this post is that Matt is jealous BB brought Brenchel back instead of him and his pretty princess boyfriend from last season.

    • “Pretty Princess boyfriend”? You’re so immature and ignorant. People like you amaze me; unable to get past someone’s sexual orientation to see how likable they are as a person. The man you refer to as a “pretty princess”, RAGAN, was a very funny and loyal houseguest on Big Brother. He was very likable and enjoyable to watch, and I wish him and Matt were back on this season to watch. At least they kept things fresh and fun. I <3 Ragan!

      • Are you kidding me? Ragan was the worst houseguest from last season. BB could not have found someone more horrible to represent the gay community. His behavior in general, but especially toward Rachel, was absolutely disgusting.

        Go Brenchel! <3

  9. That was hilarious espcially the Shelly/Brendon connection and Big Brother never recycling things.

  10. Good to see you Matt. You were my favorite last season. This season???? Well, one season of Rachel, Brendon, Jeff and Jordan was too much for me to stand, and with Evel Dick gone, and that Very Annoying Gay Guy, (can’t remember his name), I will bid a fond adieu to this season. These people don’t interest me in the least. :)

  11. Perfect analysis! =) You’re the shit, you know it. Looking forward to this season, pissed that it’s not you and Ragan as the “duo” though!!

  12. Sorry Matt,

    You were the most annoying aspect of BB12 (even more than Rachel’s laugh). I do not know why anyone would care to read your opinions of anything. Not sure what you have accomplished that makes you so smug, but your presence is enough to make me seek some other BB13 site.

    Looks like I am in the minority. You guys enjoy B13.

    Bob

      • HI BG! Anyhow, Matt from last year – this post cracked me up. I didn’t like what you said about your wife last year, but the fact is it is a game and you came clean at the end. so I really enjoyed your writing here and now we have two Matts to keep us up to date, thanks!

    • Stick around Bob. BB12 Matt needs to know that there are people that can’t stand him. Maybe he will pull hid swelled head out of his butt.

  13. I’m sorry Big “Dick” is gone…but I really, really wish it was Rachel. There is no way I can go thru another show with that kackle laugh.
    GOOD BYE

    • I agree Barbara. I said that very same thing last night! Rachel’s laugh makes me want to poke a fork in my eyes! I also heard that Evil Dick got a 24 emergency leave and has the option to return if he can get back in time. My fingers are crossed!

  14. “Keith makes Jesus cry.”

    I literally laughed out loud when I read that sentence. Hilarious!

    I look forward to the opportunity to hear from past BB competitors throughout this season!

  15. They couldn’t have picked a better recapper/blogger than you, Matt. Your take is funny, intelligent and snarky…just the way I like ’em !

  16. I found you extremely unlikable last season, Matt, and your snideness in this post only confirms my initial feelings. We all enjoy a little ribbing of the show, but there is a difference between lampooning and buffooning. It’s no wonder you lost.

  17. Damn…you’re funnier than the show.
    Too bad Dick is gone. I was counting on him to liven things up….Now I have to spend all my time trying to hit themute button, everytime it looks like Rachel is going to laugh…

  18. Matt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so happy you’re doing recaps……you are just too funny and you were also my favourite from last year. Please don’t worry about the negative comments. I find it ironic that all the bad comments are from males. Coincidence? I doubt it. It’s probably all from the same person that’s so bored they have nothing better to do that read a blog written by someone they don’t like. Give me a break. Can’t wait to check up on you again!!!

  19. Honestly Matt you were not my favorite from last season. With that said, loved your article & thought you were spot on about everything. I may just come around to you yet!

  20. Great recap! Love your sense of humor! You were one of my favorites last Season. I was hoping you and Ragan would be one of the dynamic duos but this is good too! Rock On – looking forward to reading more as the Season goes on.

  21. Would it not have been something to see Dick dump another milkshake over someone’s head again when she drove him nuts? Talk about the possibility of major league deja vu. Sadly, there is no way it can happen now though.

  22. This is great.. although, speaking of “trying to understand what’s going on” my friends and I are all a little confused too haha. How will POV work now? They nominate pairs, so do they get taken off in pairs? Or will they split them up if POV is used?

  23. OH NO !!!!I will try this again… I cannot believe thay ED is gone !!! He made the show. I was looking forward to this season with all the trouble that would have gone on with ED there to keep things stirred up. He sure knew how to make people angry. Don’t know why he is gone…but PLEASE, PLEASE, bring him back. I know that a lot of people did not like him…but there was a lot that did…In all honestly, we all have to say HE was the one that most people tuned in each and every week. We will be waiting for his RETURN…PLEASE…

    • I’m with you on the ED thing. He kept it lively. Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that he kept us tuned in till the very end.

      • PLEASE BRING EVIL DICK BACK!!
        If only for us to see him chew Rachel up and spit her out! He could run circles around her!!!

  24. Welcome aboard Matt…..Great to have your input. This should be a very, very interesting BB13…..

    • Wow, I didn’t swear or anything. I just said that I don’t like BB12 Matt and all of my posts were deleted.

      • They have reappeared. Don’t know why my posts landed as replys to you, Phyllis. Sorry.

      • Liz (AFF)….I’m on the same page as you…I want Evel Dick to come back and liven up the BB house….

  25. What makes BB think we want to hear the opinions of BB12 Matt with the fake sick wife?

    • Contrary to popular belief… You DON’T have to read the articles.
      Some people love knowing a past houseguests opinion on things.

  26. My favorite HG last season! With Dick’s fanbase, do you thing production will try to work him back into bb13?

    • I truly hope so. I also hope that he didn’t go because of an emergency. I hope CBS tells us why he went and that he will be back. Seems like I have a lot of hopes, lol.

  27. ughh I freaking hate this pathetic asshole I don’t like Matt what so ever. I would rather hear from boring Hayden then him. But the review was entertaining I guess

  28. Too bad, really, that Evel Dick is gone. I was so looking forward to his relentless mocking and degradation of the train wreck that is Rachel. Oh well. But no doubt another HG will pick up that laboring oar. How could they not!! Adieu, Evel Dick!

  29. Glad to have you with us Matt. I enjoyed your article and agree with your interpretation of the premiere. Hopefully it’ll be an interesting season.

  30. I think the Big Brother “formula” works best with 14 complete strangers – they didn’t need to bring back 6 old players who either won or did well in their respective seasons. I feel more new faces would have been nice. That is a real disappointment for me, but I’m hoping this season turns out well.

    As for this article, it is hilarious.

  31. Great job Matt! Loved you on season 12. Even your lies were creative. And you did it all with a straight face! Ever consider a career in politics?

    Hilarious article!

  32. Matt! Who knew you were capable of saying such awful — and awfully funny — things!!

    Re: “Brenchel” I propose calling them “Radon” – direct quotes from the Wiki:

    Radon: A colorless, tasteless gas; [a] decay product; one of the densest substances; considered to be a health hazard.

    That about covers it!

    • That is SOOOO spot on! I like that. Seconded. Motion to pass to change Brenchel into Radon?

  33. Matt seems awfully angry and bitter must be because he was outsmarted by the not so smart bra-gade he put together and I don’t find his comments witty or charming plus he’s bashing production for recycling competitions and bashing the current contestants before we really even know what they’re all about. Hello this is the show we all love to watch. I will not be reading his discussion posts.

    • Awh, shoot.
      How will we possibly survive with one less reader? Darn.
      And he’s not bashing.. He’s poking fun. Recognize the difference.

  34. Do you predict any houseguest this season will use the family illness/death ploy that helped you get so far last season and become such a popular BB alum?

  35. I was so excited when I found out the Blogger would be Matt. But after I finished reading the article, I was a little disappointed. First off, stop bashing Big Brother and CBS, if it weren’t for them you wouldn’t have your little website and/or the opportunity to blog on here. Be grateful. However, you did have some funny phrases. But just try not to come out as an ungrateful pessimist, and try the snarky yet just character. I think you would broaden your audience that way.

  36. Matt, you were my least favourite HG from last season, but I still see entertainment value in your post, and hope to read more of them. If there’s really no jealously that exists towards Brenchel, then I would venture a guess that you’re actually glad they’re back this season (if nothing else but for material to write about, they really make it too easy).

    My pick for this season – Cassi. No contest. (And not just because she’s the hottest one there).

  37. Hahaha! XD Great blog, I couldnt stop laughing. Matt, you were my fav contestant from last season (which considering you were about the only contestant capable of understanding the word “strategy”, doesnt mean much, but you were still fun to watch). Cant wait to read the next blogs!

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