Big Brother 13 Episode 3: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman| July 14, 2011 at 9:00 AM EDT
Hey, Big Brother superfans! It’s Matt Hoffman from Season 12, here again to give you the run-down on Wednesday night’s episode! Let’s get into this…
We left off with Porsche and Keith being nominated by Brendon and Rachel. Keith begins his first week in the house playing as poorly as I did during my last week in the house. He’s insanely arrogant and way too convinced that his piss-poor “Regulators” alliance will have his back and save him. It’s becoming abundantly clear to me why I would’ve hated my character last season. Season 12 Matt = White Keith (I chose this over “Season 13 Keith = Black Matt” because for some reason it sounded less racist).
Upstairs, Brenchel tries to explain the rules of their deal to Porsche for like the seventh time. Even Rachel can’t understand how Porsche is still confused by their simple plan. Meanwhile in the Have-Not room, Keith continues dimwittedly celebrating his nomination by dancing around with Dominic. This entire scene is extremely distracting because Keith has some enormous grayish growth on his face. I can only assume he’s been branded with the SPoS (Silver Power of Suck).
The next afternoon, Dick is called into the Diary Room and never returns. Jeff says he’s worried because he “doesn’t see dick”, which is interesting given Jeff’s recent comments on the live feeds. CBS does a great job of telling us absolutely nothing, but RTVZone.com (weekly shameless plug!) does a great job of telling us absolutely everything. Basically Dick had a personal emergency and had to leave the game permanently. Adam tells us in the diary room that he’s upset because he “really wanted to play with dick”. Do I even need to make a comment on this one?
With Dick out of the house, the veterans basically throw their hands up in the air and give up like the whiney, complaining, overly-entitled CBS brats that they are. Downstairs, the newbies plot how they are going to take advantage of being back in the game. Keith, in his infinite horniness, masquerades sexuality with strategy saying he’s excited to “make his move on Dani” and that he needs to “expose Porsche and Kalia”. Keith also continues to prove that he completely ignored my horrible gameplay last season as he brags in the diary room about being excited to throw the next competition. In my defense, it took me a good seven or eight weeks to lose my mind and start ruining my entire game, whereas Keith manages to suck a nut almost immediately upon entering the house.
Leading up to the veto competition, Brendon goes over the veterans’ strategy with the other returning houseguests. He says that it’s not rocket science, but if it were than he’d be good at that too. POCKET rocket science, maybe. (Skype Zing!) In the veto competition, both Porsche and Keith make no qualms about their intentions to throw the competition since they both feel that they’re safe. Oddly, Jeff and Jordan seem to have the same strategy of throwing the competition because they decide that Jordan should be the one solving the puzzle.
With one couple intentionally failing and another couple having the combined brain power of a retarded rhesus monkey, Brendon and Rachel win the Power of Veto by default. It turns out that while Keith has learned nothing from watching last season, Brendon and Rachel have learned nothing from BEING on last season. Once again Bookie and Boobsie let power get to their heads as they call each newbie duo up to the HoH room one-by-one and subsequently be a condescending, overbearing dick to them, telling them exactly who they need to vote for and how they need to play the game. This pretty much ensures that Brenchel will be the first veteran couple up on the block as soon as a newbie wins HoH, and I couldn’t be happier. Brenchel’s atrocious gameplay right now would be the equivalent of me returning to the game and trying to convince everyone that my wife is dying…for real this time.
After a slew of useless intimidation tactics, Brendon and Rachel decide not to use the Power of Veto, thereby keeping the nominations as-is. As the houseguests give their reactions to the veto ceremony, Dominic tells us “I don’t know what’ll happen, but I definitely know someone is getting evicted.” Really, Dominic? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks for the update. These newbies are toast.
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).