Big Brother 13 Episode 28: Final Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman| September 9, 2011 at 10:00 AM EDT
Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his final review of the Big Brother 13 season. It was an incredible opportunity to have him join and entertain us all season. Please be sure to leave a word of thanks, or anger you know if that’s your thing, in the hopes he’ll agree to return next summer for all new Chenbot wardrobe fodder. Read Matt’s past articles.
Welcome to my Swan Song. Day 69 in the Big Brother house, and the final excerpt in my Season 13 run with Big Brother Network. Chenbot pops on to greet us and send a reminder that Adam won HoH last week by saying, “He can no longer follow the power…he is the power”.
Cut to the flashback of Kalia’s eviction the previous night where she returns the black queen, but pockets the black forest ham. Adam tells us in the Diary Room that by voting to evict Kalia he is “firmly with the veterans” and that he has chosen his side. Oh yes – you heard that correctly…with 6 days left in a 77-day game, Adam has just now chosen his side.
The next thing we flash back to is Adam’s HoH victory. Which segues into Adam sounding pervy when he talks about him kissing girls’ butts and girls kissing his butt. Which segues into the most obnoxious “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HoH ROOOOOOOMMMM! ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!” in the history of Big Brother. Adam’s HoH basket is filled with gummy bacon, bacon band-aids, and Tori Spelling’s pinky finger (wrapped in bacon). Rachel said that “if Adam could, he would probably marry bacon”. That would be horrible if for no other reason than having to hear Adam metal-scream about his FE-YON-CÉ!
Adam is on cloud nine while in power as his dreams of “Adam’s Angels” has finally come to fruition. Somewhere back home in Illinois, Keith sheds one lonely envious tear. One by one Adam’s Angels come up to his harem den to plead their case as to why they should remain off the block. Porsche plays the “newbie” angle, Rachel says “obviously” no less than twelve times, and Jordan wastes her time and ends up “FUSS-trated!”
The next day, Adam couldn’t play the “creepy old man” card any more convincingly when he pops into the bedroom to announce, “Hey girls – it’s time for the nomination ceremony”. Rachel ends up being the only one safe from nominations this week (“obviously”), and Adam gives us this ironic gem of a quote:
ADAM: “If you want to be in the final three, you have to earn it!”
He follows that up with, “Porsche and Jordan – I want to see what you are made of!”. I’m guessing silicone and air, respectively, but what do I know?
Between last week’s OTEV clues and this week’s veto competition being titled (overly-appropriately) “Jukebox Veto”, I am certain that the creative team in charge of veto challenges has thrown in the towel on this season as much as I wish I would have. The premise is similar to competitions we’ve seen in the past (shockkkkerrrr!) where you have to match up a set of names that fit a set of clues. For example:
You get the idea. Each set of names slides down a pole to match the set of clues on either side. Porsche ends up winning by using the exact opposite strategy with her game pieces as she has used with herself…keeping them off the pole as long as possible. Immediately upon Porsche’s victory, Adam (not wasting a millisecond contemplating floating towards the latest person in power) says, “Even though I’ve been working with Jordan and Rachel, it would be kind of good for another newbie to be in the final three, so this might work out for me!”. ADAM POCH FOR ALL-STARS 2!
For the first time in a long time we get to see Rachel do her magical “tear-less crying”. I kind of miss it, actually. This goes on and on right up until the LIVE pre-taped veto ceremony. This ceremony is catered perfectly towards Adam’s season-long “Reign of
Mediocrity Terror” because when Porsche uses the veto Rachel is the only one left to go up as a replacement, so Adam is able to continue not having to make a decision on his own.
Right after the veto is used, the eviction ceremony begins. Rachel’s speech is first, and she asks Porsche to use the veto on her, then if she can use the veto on Porsche, then if Porsche will be her best friend, and every question other than “will you please vote to keep me?” Jordan announces that she’s going home, compliments Rachel and Adam, and then says that all she knows about Porsche is that she wears bikinis and hosts competitions. Since that’s all I know about Porsche as well, I can regretfully say that I actually have something in common with Jordan Lloyd.
Jordan gets the boot, and she takes the walk of shame down to Julie Chen for the first time in two seasons of gameplay:
JULIE: How does it feel to be out here right now?
JORDAN: It feels great, Julie! Pretty soon I get to go explain to my verbally abusive and misogynistic boyfriend how I just screwed up our shot at $500,000. I can’t wait to see his reaction!
JULIE: Why do you think Porsche voted you out?
JORDAN: Who’s Porsche?
JULIE: We all saw you suffer as a result of Shelly’s betrayal. Did you learn anything from that experience?
JORDAN: I learned that you can’t trust anyone in here! Even a mom! Who may be a dad!
JULIE: What’s next for you?
JORDAN: First I’m going to do something super cute…probably poop out a rainbow. Then I’m going to play coy, innocent, and oblivious about everyone’s unconditional love for me. And then I’m going to cash my $25,000 “America’s Favorite” check!
Jordan then gets to see her goodbye messages:
PORSCHE: [off to the side] Who? I don’t know who that is. What did you want me to say again? Oh – okay. [into the camera] Gordon – I’m really sad to see you leave. [off to the side] What? Oh. [into the camera] JORDAN – I’m really sad to see you leave.
ADAM: I am SO thankful to you for showing me how to play this game and be another mega-floater with a shot at winning a half-million dollars.
RACHEL: I’m sorry that I couldn’t save us in the final veto. We’ve worked together all summer and become really good friends, and I mean that through the bottom of my heart. You are an amazing person, and I feel like I’ve made a lifelong friend in you….Oh, and also – NOBODY gets between me and MY man, and I don’t want your STUPID vote ANYWAY!
The houseguests walk out into the backyard to begin the first part of the final three-part HoH competition. This one is called “Big Brother Mixer” and (why bother with originality this late in the game) it’s pretty much the same thing as the paint can endurance competition from last season. Basically, the three contestants spin around on the beater of a giant mixer while it churns butter. Big Brother also has some leftover paint cannons from last year’s similar competition, and the fact that firing paint blasts has nothing to do with baking does not stop it from being part of this HoH comp’s distractions.
Julie Chen reads the rules, and after a quick commercial break we come back to find Adam floating face-down and presumably dead in the pool of butter. Who will win the final HoH competition and be crowned the winner of Big Brother 13? Will Adam be resuscitated in time to win his inevitable $50,000? Will Kalia go into a jealous rage when she finds out that she just missed a competition involving hundreds of gallons of butter? Tune in Wednesday at 9:30/8:30 Central to find out!
Thanks to everyone who has followed along with me throughout the season. I’ve read almost all of your comments and am very appreciative of your support, your ridicule, and the opportunity that BBN gave me to contribute to their site. Be good to one another…and – TEAM RACHEL!!!
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).