Big Brother 13 Episode 15: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman| August 11, 2011 at 11:45 AM EST
Wednesday night’s episode marked the pivotal moment where Big Brother Season 13 officially became the overall most collectively moronic cast of characters to ever play the game of Big Brother. We’ve seen some nitwits in the past, but I’ve got to think that CBS was trying to cast the biggest strategic idiots that they could find. I’m getting ahead of myself, though – let’s rewind a bit…
We start with a flashback to Kalia’s nomination speech where she tries to be all “hard ass” but comes off all “dumb ass” instead. She talks about how she’s going to “jump, grow wings, and fly on the way down”. I’m not sure what that means, but it looks like the old “when pigs fly” adage is taking on a comically ironic reality.
Rachel takes her nomination pretty hard, but Shelly is there to pick up the pieces and regulate Rachel’s emotional state:
SHELLY: C’mon, Rachel – you have more class than this.
RACHEL: Really? You have seen my weekly live-eviction dresses that barely cover my labia, right?
SHELLY: Stay strong for Brendon! It’s just a game, Rachel. Don’t get so worked up.
RACHEL: If it’s just a game, then why do people keep making personal attacks at me?
SHELLY: Because you’re a mess.
Like the emotional locust that she is, once Rachel has sucked all of the sympathy that she could out of Shelly, she moves on to Jordan in the Have Not room. Rachel dishes out the over-dramatics in full force, including threatening to leave, packing her suitcase just slow enough to give Jordan time to intervene, and crying as intensely as someone can cry who has had their tear ducts sealed shut with botox.
Once Big Brother sees that Rachel is sufficiently broken down in the Have Not room, they begin to start pumping the hormone gas into the HoH ventilation system. Another success from Big Brother, as Kalia has an irrational crying fit (this time complete with actual liquid tears!). We never truly understand why Kalia is so upset. She claims that she is “so stressed out”, but I’m not understanding how slothing around the HoH room while cowering in fear, succumbing to the wishes of anyone who comes up to tell you what to do, and making no decisions on your own while you are the only one who is in no danger of going home this week could be considered “stressful”.
The time comes to pick names for the veto competition, and since Jeff is on the block he automatically gets to play. Based on this season’s track record, I have to believe that this still will not prevent a “Jeff” chip from being pulled which will somehow clone another Jeff into the competition. You can never have enough Jeff, right CBS?! Alas, the other three people chosen to play are Adam, Shelly, and Jordan. Adding Kalia to that mix, we can safely assume that this is going to be one of the most intense competitive battles in Big Brother history. Porsche is chosen as the host, but she’s not sure what that means. After looking around the room and getting affirmation that it’s not a bad thing, she awkwardly claps with the rest of the houseguests.
After the names are pulled, Big Brother shifts the hormone gas back into the Have Not room where Shelly, Jordan, and Jeff walk right into it. Shelly goes into a rage about her loyalty for the vet alliance, and then Jordan breaks down sobbing. Jeff should win something just for being able to maintain his sanity in this nut-hut. When Jeff goes to talk to Shelly one-on-one, she tells him “from the beginning…I’ve had the sole intention of getting you two [Jeff/Jordan] to the end.” Great gameplan, Shelly! At least now we know why CBS cast you, since the network’s wet dream is an entire collection of houseguests whose primary objective is to keep Jeff and Jordan on television as long as possible. Jeff then offers to make out with Shelly, and I wipe vomit off my chin.
Time for the veto competition! This is an “ancient Greece” themed comp, and Jordan gets excited because all the players get special Greek nicknames!
Shelly = “Shellypso”
Adam = “Baconathus”
Jordan = “Jordana”
Kalia = “Suckeon”
Jeff = “Jeffaestus”
Rachel = “Tequilius”
When Rachel sees the setup, she announces that she knows what they’ll need to be doing in the competition, but she won’t tell anyone. In Rachel’s wacko mind this is hardball strategy, even though in about 2 minutes the rules will be read to everyone. Way to stick it to ‘em, Rach! In what is probably the most amazing thing that has happened all season on “Big Brother”, somehow Porsche manages to correctly pronounce “Sisyphus” when going over how the comp is played.
During the competition, Shelly continues to show that she is the “Brendon” to Jeff’s “Rachel” as she tells us that she needs to win the veto so that she can save her buddy Jeff from the block. Seriously – what’s going on this season? Were the newbies all lobotomized in sequester before coming into the house? Continuing Big Brother 13’s “Season of Suck” theme, Rachel falls on her face multiple times like she tends to do whenever she’s being active in the backyard, and Kalia decides to stop competing all together in favor of cheering on Jeff. JEFF! THE PERSON SHE JUST NOMINATED FOR EVICTION! Holy hell, my head hurts from watching these fools. On the other side of the competition, Adam proves to be this season’s Enzo by predictably losing everything but prefacing it in the D.R. with things like “this is my chance to finally win a competition” and “now is my time to prove myself”.
Jordan lets us know that Jeff is doing a great job, and he and Adam are “head-to-head”. I’m pretty sure she meant “neck-and-neck”, but Porsche didn’t know the difference between her elbow and her shoulder so I’m not expecting much in the “anatomical accuracy” department from this cast. Jordan goes on to talk about Jeff’s balls, and then Jeff ends up winning the veto.
After the veto competition, Rachel storms into the Have Not room. Bad move, since all that hormone gas is still lingering in there. Consequently we get another Rachel Pity Party™ breakdown, complete with the patented fake crying and dramatic one-liners like “I can’t even stand up for Brendon’s memory”. Hey, Rachel – he’s not dead. After he watches this season he’s going to wish he was. But for right now he’s just fine.
Later on, Jeff goes up to the HoH room to strike fear into the heart of Kalia. This proves to be easier than distracting Porsche with a laser pointer, and Kalia crumbles into submission instantly. Kalia may go down as the worst HoH in the history of Big Brother, as I have yet to see more of a spineless wretch in power in the 13 seasons that this show has been on the air. The icing on the cake is that she boasts the entire time about how independently she is making all of her decisions and how she’s making all these “bold moves” on her own. Puh-LEASE! This is, bar none, the absolute worst cast of strategists the game has ever seen. And while I see the criticisms flooding in that I didn’t play the most flawless game myself, that’s fine. I agree with that. But while I had my sucky moments, these newbies are just big walking blobs of non-stop suck. Which brings us to…
…LAWON! Followers of my weekly ramblings will know that I’m not the biggest Lawon fan out there. So what transpires this week is just sweet justification for all of my criticisms. Let’s break down what happens…
So Lawon gets it in his head that whoever is voted out is definitely coming back. He also is convinced that the evictee will come back with a special power. Theorizing this is completely acceptable. But master strategist Lawon takes it to a whole other level of stupidity and puts so much faith in his assessment of the game that he not only volunteers to go up as a replacement nominee, but HE WANTS TO BE EVICTED! As a superfan of the game of Big Brother, I’m about ready to throw a brick through my television. So far we’ve already had two contestants throw veto competitions (resulting in their subsequent evictions), and now we’re getting someone petitioning for their own eviction?! Lawon’s lunacy is further punctuated with statements like:
LAWON: I’m gonna come back in the house and sail right to the top! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!
Now? Let me see….nope – I still don’t like you.
As the houseguests wait for the veto ceremony to begin, Lawon tells us that he is going to give “the performance of Big Brother history”. Sadly, he has no idea how true that is. Somewhere, Season 3 Marcellas is doing a happy dance because his decade-long title of “Biggest BB Flub” is about to be stripped from his legacy. Everything goes down as planned, Lawon happily gets nominated as a replacement, and Kalia calls this a “win/win situation” (presumably because she was able to be the monstrous pussy that she was hoping to be). Finally, Christmas comes early as Lawon leaves us with this little gem:
LAWON: I don’t mind being evicted this week, because I know the TWIST will bring me back more powerful than ever! How you like me NOW?!
Give me a minute…hmmmm…okay…yeah – I still hate you.
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).