Big Brother 13 Episode 9: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

On tonight’s episode of Big Brother we get to see Daniele go from playing a stellar game and being in the best position in the house, to spazzing out and dropping down to the worst position. Amidst this freefall, she manages to kill Dominic’s game in the process. On the plus side, Dom finally loses his virginity as he is completely screwed by Daniele. Let’s see how it all goes down…

To recap, Daniele was sitting pretty, hovering between her veteran alliance and her alliance with Dominic on the newbie side. Dominic was put up on the block again, but was not in any imminent danger of being voted out, as long as he played by Brenchel’s rules and didn’t do anything stupid.

After the nominations, Adam and Dominic both tell us in the D.R. that they are the pawns this week. Adam tells Dominic that they still have a fighting chance because they make a good strong team with Adam being the “mental” and Dom being the “physical”. I’m not sure about the latter half of that equation, but Adam’s definitely spot-on about being mental.

Meanwhile, Daniele goes up to the HoH room to plant the seed in Brenchel’s head that they should backdoor Jeff/Jordan with the veto this week. Despite her selfish motives to salvage her alliance with Dominic, she makes some pretty valid points. After Dani leaves the HoH room, Brendon and Rachel convene to the bathtub to weigh their options.

BRENDON: If you rub my toe, you can see into the future. What does it tell you?

RACHEL: I see Daniele teaming up with Dominic and trying to fracture our alliance! We need to stop her!

BRENDON: The toe has spoken.

RACHEL: I love you, Bookie.

BRENDON: This water smells like tequila. Wait…did you salt the rim of the tub?

RACHEL: A giant margarita! Obvi!

After this whole repulsive sequence, I’m the one who needs a nice long bath. Once Brendon and Rachel lick each other dry, they bring Dominic up to the HoH room to tell him that he needs to throw the veto competition to ensure his safety. Dominic tosses logic and rationality to the wayside and happily complies.

Names get drawn for the veto from the bag of “Jeff & Jordan” chips, and the players selected this week are…JEFF & JORDAN! Rachel then needs to select a host for the competition:

RACHEL: [scanning the room] Ummmm…I’m going to pick…that new girl in the back!

PORSCHE: My name’s Porsche, and I’ve been here the whole time.

[collective looks of confusion from the rest of the houseguests]

Upstairs, Daniele goes up to once again hammer home the idea that Brenchel should backdoor Jeff and Jordan. This is becoming increasingly more suspicious, so Brenchel decides to have a talk with Jeff and Jordan in the HoH room. When Brendon and Rachel decide to put “being a trainwreck” on hold for a week, they actually manage to play a really smart game and dissect Dominic and Daniele’s entire alliance and strategy. In my opinion, if Brendon and Rachel continue to leave their craziness at the door and use their respective Physicist and Waitress Chemist brains, they have a solid shot at taking this $500,000.

This week’s veto competition kicks off with Lawon’s most annoying D.R. soundbyte to date (and that’s saying a lot):

LAWON: When I walk outside and see this big hairy lady, I’m like, “WHO is she-EE?!” “Who is THAT?!” “What is that layin’ in our BACK YARD?!” I’M FLAMBOYANT AND FUNNY! BAM! POW!

If Season 11’s Kevin and Season 9’s Parker had a very unfunny child, it would be Lawon.

This is another one of those recycled spelling competitions that we’ve been seeing over the past few years. Dominic stupidly brags about how he’s going to throw the competition. What’s with multiple people throwing veto competitions this year? Is there any reason at all to ever throw a veto competition? Especially when your ass is on the block?! Clearly we’ve all seen that I’m no master strategist, but this seems like “Big Brother 101” to me.

Jordan forgoes competing in favor of playing in bubbles, Rachel chokes on air, and the results are in:

Jordan – LITTLE
Dominic – STANDINGS
Rachel – MOOSTUREYEZING
Adam – BACON
Jeff – TEKNOTRONIX2
Brendon – UNDERSTANDING

Brendon spells the exact same word that he won this competition with last year, and the powerhouse that is Brenchel continues to steamplow through the game.

Out by the poolside the next day, Dani carries on her mission to be as obvious as possible about her hidden agenda:

DANIELE: Jeff and Jordan are plotting an army against you.

RACHEL: You don’t think Dominic is going to try to get out me and Brendon?

DANIELE: Dominic? No – never! I mean, not that I would I know anything about Dominic because it’s not like I’m aligned with him or anything. But you should definitely save him. And you should definitely backdoor Jeff and Jordan. But this has nothing to do with me, and will only benefit you and Brendon.

RACHEL: Can you pass me the sunscreen?

DANIELE: Team Dominic!

At this point you may be thinking that Dominic’s worst move was throwing the veto competition…WRONG! Dominic’s worst move was actually believing that females have the ability to keep their yaps shut for more than 10 minutes. First he lets Daniele blab her way to his demise, and then he ices the proverbial cake by telling Shelly all about his plans to break up Jeff and Jordan. Shelly, of course, wastes no time at all scampering to tell Jordan who then waddles upstairs to tell Brenchel.

Just as my head is spinning from the idiocy that I am laying witness to in regards to Dani and Dom’s gameplay, a storm warning pops up on my screen from CBS’s weather service that reads the following:

If flash flooding conditions are encountered, be prepared to seek higher ground. If traveling, remember to turn around. Don’t drown.

Are we honestly living in a world where we need to read warnings telling ourselves not to drown? Thanks, CBS!

At this point I passed out for a few minutes because I forgot to breathe (no one warned me!), but when I woke up I saw Brendon telling Jeff all about Dani and Dominic’s plan. Not surprisingly, Brendon doesn’t use the veto so Dominic and Adam remain on the block. The gig’s up, Dom…game over!

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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64 Comments

    • Yeah, Matt great job. That line about Dom losing his virginity by being screwed by Dani’s “help” was up there with your best!

  1. after watching bb after dark last nite I think the whole house is crazy!! Know one is thinking straight or playing the game. JJ and RB need to stop thinking they have this game in the bag. I ‘ve been trying to give Rachel very break I can she’s crazy(everyone is mean to her for no reason)I can’t wait until she’s gone. please someone tell Jeff to STOP useing the F— WORD!!! It’s getting old.

    • F word? Are you 4 whole years old? I’m sure BB will pipe in that message just for you!

      I am a little confused. Is Rach crazy? And that’s maybe why they are mean to her?

    • I think all thje houseguests every year are crazy…some of them hide it better than others…some of them are more likeable than others…but to put yourself out there like that, you have to have some degree of crazy in you. Just sayin…

  2. It absolutely bugs the heck out of me when the players talk about someone being shady, lying or breaking their word. Well duh. What would big brother be if no one lied, acted shady or broke their word? Also, when the vets were talking about Dani being there to play a game and not caring about other people? Um, really? Isn’t that what all of you should be doing? I’m still team Dani.

    • Libby….I agree about the game and what the players should be doing. BB has always been played that way, if everyone was nice, honest and heartfelt they might aw well split the 500K between all those that could stand a summer locked up from the outside world…everyone that cracks gets sent home in a white coat and those that last until Sept. win. just my humble opinion.

  3. Matt H, thanks for my smile of the day! I don’t know if you can answer this question………I read somewhere yesterday that people thought Lawon was reading from a prompter while in the diary room, and that who knows exactly whose names are in the veto bag….since you were on the show, may I ask if any of this could be true? Is there scripting, or prompting from production? I would like to believe that what we see is what we get with no interference. Again thanks for the update.
    Cheers!

    • I don’t think he can answer that in full but I have an opinion.

      Yes – the bag is filled with only the names of the ppl they (BB they) want to play. I would like to think it wasn’t but how could it be the vets EVERYTIME? really.

      I think they (BB production) ask them questions and prompt them to talk about certain things. Maybe even get them going too.

      I think production also makes them do some stuff for show, but not a fully scripted type thing. IDK

      Just IMO – which doesn’t hold much water!

      • Nadine I think production has a lot more to do with it then anyone can imagin. It is just too convient that when ever j/j or r/b are hoh the other couple always plays in the pov.

      • This season only the eligible DUOS names were in the bag each week and this week the only eligible DUOS were ‘Jeff and Jordan’ and ‘Kalia and Lawon’…what was so hard about that?

  4. I have often wondered if BB only puts the specific name they want played for the Veto in the Bag? Meaning all Chips Jeff and Jordan to play veto Last Night. Suprise! Funny how this season it seems to be that way on challenges.

  5. Again, luv your article Matt.
    Agreed that Dani had it so good before this week’s blowup but I am still not writing her off yet.

    I wonder what this new twist that will change the game is.

    • I am still wondering if it will have to do with the Fortune teller…….have we ever been told why she is there…BB usually has something in mind when they show a prop like that to the audience.
      I also think the golden keys have more significance than we may think.

      • Could be a key to Pandora’s box..If the holder gets HOH he or she has an option of using it to open the box..possibility..

      • OMG no more with the Pandora’s box please CBS..dumb, dumb, dumb and if Jessie or someone like him were to return….well I thought things couldn’t get worse, but they could!

      • I agree!!! No more pandora’s box. Do we need another mean spirited person getting a diamond power of Veto. Last year was lame! Let’s repeat it! Congratz Lawon you won the DPOV!!!! Don’t deserve it but you get it anyway

      • Annie, don’t worry about Jessie coming back. He and nasty Knatalie were one of the possible returnees and they only got 1% of the vote…1% lol…CBS knows we don’t want to see him. He might make a brief appearance as comic relief, but he’s never gonna be a houseguest again.

      • OMG…..please no Pandoras box…..cuz I can not take another BB with Jessie on the show even for a quick appearance….yuck….BB has plenty of fans so leave meathead Jessie off the show…don’t spoil the season!!:)NO J E S S I E …..PLZ

  6. Even though Danielle went to hard way to early i think when dom stupidly talk about attacking J/J is when he made his biggest mistake.I mean come on Jordan picked Shelly after winning the luxury competition.
    Do these people even watch big brother how can you be on the block and throw the veto..o well i hope Danielle shakes up the house

  7. Matt I like your recaps. But please stop referring to your BB gameplay as unintelligent in evey post. You’re funny and witty and you really don’t need to self-deprecate just b/c you lost BB last year. (Your only bad move was DPOVing Kathy.) We still remember that you are a Mensa member so I’m not buying that you believe that you are dumb. Look at Jordan, BB11, that girl is not the sharpest or most educated crayon in the box and she managed to “pawn” her way to the end and win against clumsy competitors when she needed to. Sometimes the smart ones lose BB.

  8. I was was wondering the same thing annie…. why is it that thenewbie floaters never get thier name drawn for the comps?? It is the same old names that get drawn. Seems set up to me. I really do want Berachel out… and love Jeff and Jordon but am tried of them too. the newbies have really upset me… really want to see one step up thier game. Keep hoping Adam is going to step it up. keep watchiong and hoping but so far not impressed this year.

    • aileen, this season has been so unfair for the newbies. The Vets came back into the house knowing each other. They always have someone that they can trust to talk to about the game. On the other hand the Newbies didn’t know each other and only had a few seconds to pick their partner. It would have been diffrent if the Newbies came into the house with a partner they was close to. The Vets have had all of the advantages.

      • Oh my gosh gelly, I so agree with you.And if the newbees had stuck together this would not be happening. But kalia and shelly and porche are back stabbers to their own team.

      • I don’t like the partner thing.i think it gives the VETS to mcuh power over the newbies,bout tired of seeing the same people winning all the time,i mean come on,they have been there,done that,not fair.

  9. Oh Matt..thank you for today’s laughter! :) Much appreciated! Keep up the excellent writing.

  10. I have been quiet long enough. Why is Matt Hoffman giving cometary? He was a horrible, stuck up, liar last season. He acted better than everyone else, even stating he was smarter than everyone. Why didn’t this site get a seasoned player with more than nasty, mean, and stupid commentary. I like this site but i think it’s time for me to move on to a site with less irritating commentary from a houseguest who place 7th. You can do better!

      • I think it’s funny that Matt didn’t reply to any comments other than the person who doesn’t like him and his commentary. You’re getting a little thin skinned Matt. There was lots of grammatical errors in other comments also. I also was happy when you got the boot last year but you are doing an OK job on your blog. Amusing

      • Matt-Never you mind BrenchelFan’s review of your cometary! You got to see both Brenda (waaaaa) and that crazy red head (insert Rachel’s laugh sound bite here) up close and personal. I find your recaps hilarious…except…Jordan doesn’t waddle! (she’s adorable and you know it!) Keep em coming!

      • Isn’t it funny how Matt comments to tease about a spelling error when he lost the spelling competition last year? The guy is really dumb and obviously lied about being a Mensa certified genius. It was believable when he claimed the misspelling of a simple word was strategy though, anybody agree? What a useless tool…I think he should send an apology to Mensa for attempting to tarnish their reputation…

    • We’re thrilled to have Matt agree to write here this season. Sorry you don’t agree, but no one will ever force you to read his posts if you feel that strongly.

      Either way, we’ll always allow fans of any houseguest, even the one who placed 9th in BB12 (*ahem* Rachel).

    • BRFan,
      On your way out don’t let the door hit you in your big fat ego…lol…enjoy your new site…

    • @ Brenchelfan- Notice how you are the only one on here that didn’t enjoy his “cometary”? That should tell you something about yourself. Oh, nevermind. You’re a brendon and Rachel fan- that tells me enough about you. @matt BB12- your articles are hilarious and really fun to read. Please don’t let a few idiots ruin this for you. Just remember more people like them as opposed to the ONE who doesn’t.

  11. cbs should please give brenchel a break their editing makes them look so bad, and people should pls get the live feeds rachel is not as bad as 45mins makes her look…she has been good this week yet its still all about get them out..no matter what they do they are hated and its such a shame…

    • verty true..Rachel has been for the most part in a “holding my tongue” mode…even yesterday at the blow up she listened more than she talked…But they say there is always a calm before the storm and anybody that knows Rachel better hope they don’t rain on her parade..If she explodes should be an awesome site simply because she has been quiet all week..

  12. Matt donb’t listen to that looser Brenchelfan. A lot of us love your commentary. Keep up the good work.

    • Hahaha – that’s awesome! “knucklehead” I dunno why that makes me laugh. Thanks, man! :-)

  13. I agree with you SUE!! Very funny how Matt only responds to the person that insulted him instead of the person who asked him a pretty good question. He just had to protect his ego huh? Anyways I did enjoy his blog though. It’s hilarious. I’d like to see him here again.

  14. Dam youre seriously funny. I must admit i wasn’t your biggest fan last season cus u seemed like arrogant a$$ but ur writings skills are superior. I will be back to read more

  15. Another great review. Always hilarious! :)
    i’m so glad i found this! You, Britney and Lane were definatly my favorites last season!
    Hope to see you on big brother again!
    Keep the recaps coming!! :D
    Jeff and Jordan!! <3

  16. Matt Hoffman, I didn’t care for your arrogance in the BB house and I don’t why you enjoy insulting women. I can keep my mouth shut for 11 minutes or more. lol I do enjoy most of your rundowns of this season though.

  17. Oh my gosh. I lol’ed at your version of rachel picking porshe as the host. “houseguests collectively give looks of confusion” haha that was good. Daniele was set up to win this thing until last nights episode. she and dom should’ve kept their mouths shut and dom was stupid for throwing veto. If this season keeps up the way it is Brendon and Rachel will be having quite a glitzy wedding.

  18. remember though lawon and dominic and cassie and keith made an alliance behind their partners backs so they actually are the ones that broke up the big allaince

  19. Hey Matt…wasn’t crazy about your attitude on the show last year, but you always made me laugh. Your sarcastic manner is hilarious. Your commentary on the show this season, however, is right on the money. You seem to home in on some of the ridiculous behavior, and identify it for what it is. Now I look forward to your reports…if nothing else it is refreshingly honest, and fun…thanks!!

  20. Hey BB12Matt (or anyone else that wants to reply), based on your BB experience, what possibilities do you see for the Golden Key twist tonight? I’m inclined to align with some others who predict the Golden Key holders will have to give the key to another HG, which will guarantee jury house for the new key holder (which means Rachel, Kalia, and Jordan at least). Others think only GK holders will be able to play HoH. What do you all think?

  21. Matt, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about last night’s episode. Keep up the great work!

  22. Smart and pithy. Loved the recap of picking the veto host ” new girl”. Lol. Once u get the golden key you are background filler.

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