Big Brother 13 Episode 27: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Tonight we get a special LIVE Wednesday night episode of Big Brother. Except that it’s pre-taped. So I’m not sure what we’d call this. Whatever the verbiage, we get to see Chenbot rocking a badass cheetah-print dress so I’m good to go…

The standard black-and-white flashback sequence that starts each episode reminds us of the decision that Rachel (with an “R”) made to nominate Kalia and Porsche for eviction on the grounds that they were coming after her, so she’s coming right back at them. I respect that Rachel didn’t pull some B.S. line about “nothing personal – it’s only game” like pretty much every other spineless sac on Big Brother always does, and instead she rationalizes her nomination choices with the same bravado and lack of concern for jury votes that she uses in her goodbye messages each week. In the diary room she tells us that Kalia has tried to get her out more times than she can count, which is probably true seeing as Kalia has only gone after Rachel once or twice. Porsche says that she and Kalia are the “biggest competitors in the house”. Also true, but only because all either of them ever do is eat.

The two nominees hole-up in a room to speculate if Adam, assuming he won the veto, would use it on them to ensure that they both stay in the house. Meanwhile Jordan is also concerned, so she goes to talk to Adam about it, who is sitting by himself in the purple room. She walks in and greets him with, “What are you doing?”, to which Adam replies, “Just laying here”. I can’t help but laugh to myself because that same exact interaction could’ve theoretically gone on verbatim during any competition throughout this entire season.

It’s a busy episode, so the veto competition kicks in pretty early. This time it’s something we’ve never seen before. No, not a competition we’ve never seen before – that would be absurd. I’m talking about a shark that eats pies. Makes perfect sense. If you’re high on PCP. Clearly the Big Brother gods have something against Kalia, because we can’t really be expected to believe that with the entire back yard littered with desserts, she will have the ability to remain focused on the task at hand. Unlikely, Big Brother…and I’m on to you.

This is yet another variation of the annual OTEV competition where some monstrosity in the back yard makes rhymes about a past contestant, and then the current houseguests need to race to find an object with that contestant’s name on it in order to avoid elimination. The only difference this time around is that Big Brother passed on the “rhyming” part and instead just went with phrases that were completely devoid of any creativity. With the hopes that someone at CBS is reading this and wants to give me a job next season writing for OTEV, I’ve decided to take a stab at what I would have done:

ROUND 1: “I’m hungry for the tasty pie who was no chum of Daniele’s and called her a Judas on the live show”

ROUND 1 – MY WAY: “I’m hungry for the tasty pie, who goes online to Skype and cry”

ANSWER: Brendon Berry Pie

Jordan, still waiting for that mental challenge that she claims to excel in, comes in last and is the first one eliminated. She says that it’s “almost embarrassing” to be the first one out in a competition yet again. “Almost”, Jordan? You’re competing against the likes of Adam, Kalia, and Porsche, and it’s “almost” embarrassing? Yeah.

ROUND 2: “I’m craving a sweet pie who chewed his way to the Power of Veto in the Big Brother Candy Store”

ROUND 2 – MY WAY: “I’m craving a sweet pie, who’ll live with his mom until he dies”

ANSWER: Dominic Pudding Pie

Rachel gets blasted out on this round, leaving the powerhouse triumvirate of Porsche, Kalia, and Adam left to duke it out. OTEV jumps into Round 3 as quickly as possible, before the three of them all start napping…

ROUND 3: “I wish to dine on the mouthwatering pie who was zinged with a biting remark about his soul patch”

ROUND 3 – MY WAY: “I wish to dine on the mouthwatering pie, who may look great but has the brain of a fly”

ANSWER: Peanut Butter and Jeff Pie

Kalia gets eliminated this round, and the way she’s crying you’d think the refrigerator was just evicted from the Big Brother house. You know it’s outlandish when Rachel is calling someone out for their overdramatics. Kalia covers her face with her shirt for the rest of the competition so that she doesn’t add insult to injury by torturing herself watching everyone else having fun digging around in food.

ROUND 4: “I want to feast on the delicious pie who lost all seventeen competitions they played in”

ROUND 4 – MY WAY: “I want to feast on the delicious pie, who lied and lied then went bye-bye”

ANSWER: Shelly Jelly Pie

Porsche mishears “lost all seventeen competitions they played in“ for “left after seventeen minutes they were in the house” and grabs Keith’s pie. Adam correctly grabs Shelly’s pie and wins the competition. As if rehashing competitions weren’t bad enough, we even get a rehashing of post-competition activity from last season with Adam being the Ragan to Porsche’s Enzo, tossing his pie at OTEV and nearly lopping Porsche’s head off. Before the commercial break, Julie Chen teases us with “Will Adam use the Power of Veto and put Jordan’s game in jeopardy?” A valiant effort to build suspense, Chenbot, but you’ve fallen short yet again. Unless this is your first time tuning in, we all know that Adam actively pursuing any gameplay activity is entirely out of the question.

Back from commercial we get a glimpse at the Jury House. Brendon now has friends to pick oranges with, and the three sequestered evictees put together a “Loser Luau” to await the arrival of the fourth reject. Shelly surprises everyone there, and Jeff wastes no time being the same bitter overly-entitled brat that he was all season in the house:

JEFF: I wanna hear the story of the person that got me out. What’s up with us, Shelly?

SHELLY: Well, Jeff – I was playing this game called “Big Brother” where I was trying to win a half-million dollars by whatever means necessary.

JEFF: But I was trying to have a three-month vacation with my girlfriend! Where do you get off breaking up my summer of passionless platonic romance?!

SHELLY: If I didn’t evict you or Jordan when I had the chance, I wouldn’t have stood any shot against you two in the finals.

JEFF: But I’m Big Jeff! CBS’s golden boy! You had no right to get rid of me! Didn’t you read the “It’s Jeff’s Way Or The Highway” clause in your contract?

SHELLY: [puts pacifier in Jeff’s mouth, picks him up, and pats him on the shoulder] Awww, Jeff – it’ll be okay. There’s still plenty of other CBS shows for you to go on.

After commercials for “CSI: Technotronics” and “Two And A Half Clown Shoes” (coming this Fall!), we’re taken to the aftermath of the veto competition. Kalia locks herself in the bathroom and continues her pity party. Through tears she laments, “WHY?!” (uhhh – because you sucked a nut at the competition) and gives the Cry Of The Veterans – “IT’S SO UNFAIR!”.

Eventually Kalia composes herself enough to regroup with Porsche and tries to convince Adam to use the veto and send Jordan home:

KALIA: I’m guaranteeing you that Rachel and Jordan are going to take each other to the end.

ADAM: I know.

KALIA: This is our alliance, and we still have the numbers.

ADAM: If I use the veto and take out Jordan, that means that I would have made a big power-move and may actually have a shot at getting some Jury votes.

KALIA: Exactly!

ADAM: I don’t know. I really need to talk to Big Jeff or Evel Dick and see what they think I should do. Do you think the Diary Room will let me use my “phone-a-friend”?

Adam continues down the beaten path of forgetful mediocrity that he’s been treading all season long and doesn’t use the veto. Kalia’s heart sinks into her stomach (and subsequently gets eaten), while Rachel makes me love her even more by openly laughing at what an idiot Adam is for actually going along with her and Jordan, taking out who they wanted, and throwing away whatever remote shot he may have had at winning a half-million dollars.

We jump right to the eviction speeches where Porsche goes first. She says that she’s “already been funny” in her speeches (intentionally?…cuz I must have missed that one) and then goes on to say a bunch of nice things about everyone, which means that she knows just as well as we do that she’s not going anywhere. Kalia, on the other hand, shows that she knows she’s on her way out the door by saying plenty of legitimately insightful things (“Adam – start playing like an all-star and stop playing like a fan”, “Rachel – you can’t keep complaining about putting out people that play this game if you’re going to keep doing it”, etc) yet she still somehow comes off like a scorned lunatic.

Jordan votes to evict Porsche (with a look of confusion like Julie asked her to spell her name, not cast a vote), Adam votes to evict Kalia, and Rachel breaks the tie by sending Kalia packing. Before she leaves she says, “If the black queen is leaving, I might as well leave one behind”. FINALLY! – this must be where Lawon comes back in the house, right?! Awww, shucks – it’s just the “black queen” from the chess board that she pulls out of her pocket. Oh well.

Julie does a quick one-question interview with Kalia, and then plays her goodbye messages:

REFRIGERATOR: [crying] I’m going to miss you so much! What am I supposed to do now with all this ice cream and frozen pizza in me?

MATTRESS: I’m really proud that you made it as far as you did! I know that we probably spent more time together than anyone else in the house, so it’s going to be really sad around here without you. At least I still have your indentation to remind me of all the good times we had!

After another commercial break, we get to see Big Brother finally make use of the fortune teller machine that, like most of this season’s cast, has been uselessly sitting around taking up space all season. Yet another variation on a recycled competition, the remaining houseguests are kept up all night by the fortune teller spewing out predictions that will be used in the next HoH:

  • “Shelly will be diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome after spending months continually writing sentences to her daughter as punishment for all the lies that she told”
  • “Adam will lose the game of Big Brother when he walks into the back yard and literally floats away over the walls of the house”
  • “Daniele will begin selling her own line of fashionable self-defense pocket tasers called ‘The Shockkkerrrrr’”
  • “Lawon will receive a special power from CBS on his 50th birthday that will allow him to return to the house during Big Brother Season 24”
  • “Keith, Cassie, and Dominic will open up a bar called ‘Regulators’ which will be shut down three weeks after its grand opening due to their employees revolting and taking over”
  • “Brendon will shock scholars and physicians alike after discovering a cure for small feet”
  • “Jeff will end up flat-broke from taking months off of work each year to appear on CBS television shows that net him virtually no money whatsoever”

Once the HoH starts, the contestants are read a fortune and they need to answer “TRUE” if it was something they heard the night before or “FALSE” if it was not exactly as they had heard it. Giving credit where credit is due, Adam mops up in this competition and doesn’t get a single answer wrong. Upon winning HoH, Adam proclaims “I’m an All-Star, baby!”, which causes all of America to bond in a collective fit of laughter.

That concludes this episode, and on Thursday we get to see who Adam lets run his HoH reign for him when he inevitably pussies-out on all required decisions. This officially brings us within a week of finale, and I have only one more of these write-ups left (tomorrow) before my in-depth analysis of Season 13 draws to a close. Hang in there, superfans…the end is in sight!

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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115 Comments

  1. Matt, thanks for another great recap and for your tireless efforts trying to bite your tongue on Chenbot wardrobe each week. I vote to evict her wardrobe director.

  2. This season was so entertaining that I found myself coming here to simply read you and giggle. No need to watch the BB on tv. Bravo got my views.

    You are a HOOT Matt.

    Honestly production should hire you to simply rewrite the entire BB.

    • @Malynda….Yea that comment K made as she exits after being evicted, she referred to herself as being a “black queen”confused me??(Im thinkn she meant she’s the “Black Queen of Food”),,(lol).

      • Please, does this low-class, selfish piece of crap think she is a queen? Think that she needs some meds for being delusional.

  3. Why are you saying that Adam will have decisions? This week’s HOH is just that you’re safe for the week.

  4. Another good job, Matt.

    I am so glad that others see Jeff’s inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Maybe his next show will be “The Sorest Loser”.

  5. So Matt your not going to cover the finale night?? Cause I would love to hear your insight on the finale for sure your ramblings are way better than the show!

    • Sigh I was hoping to find out if your posting for finale night all I ask for is a simple yes or no. PLEEEEASE pretty please with Rachels hair extensions on top.

  6. This season makes me sad. I only started watching BB last season because I heard a contestant from my town (Matt) was on the show, and now I may give up on it.

    I guess I just don’t get the lack of foresight by the players in the game, or the sense of entitlement.

    This season would have been much better with more covertly manipulative and *calculating* players, since most of the contestants seem malleable enough to do bidding.
    Dani wasn’t calculating (though she was manipulative)
    Jeff was/is abusive and openly manipulative
    Shelly was doing alright with these, but only really “came into it” near the end when she embraced it.
    Rachel’s doing a good job of this now that Brendon’s gone, but she could tone it up more if she didn’t alienate people.

    Blah.

  7. It was such a predictable and boring episode as they have been since the double eviction – that was the only excitement of BB 13 – It seems the network wants a certain outcome and when they don’t see it coming – they throw in a twist to suit their pleasure – BORRING.. really.
    looks like Rachel will win this one, can’t stand her, but Adam is just useless, and Jordan, what a flake, maybe Porche has something left inside.. and she gets enough jury votes? what do you think?

    • Totally agree with you Carson!

      Boring. Predictable. I really have to say that this season it was way too obvious that the “twists” were in the favour of the vets. I still can’t figure out why the producers were so big on this veteran thing. I would think it would turn off the fans who want to see other unknowns play and relate to them not a popularity contest of past players. Just strange marketing.
      As for Porsche I hope that she wins because Adam is a useless houseguest – no gameplay whatsoever and now he will feel vindicated for making it so far… sad.
      BB used to bring back prior players for cameo appearances. They should have stuck to that idea. Looking forward to next season and please go back to the old format.

      • Don’t forget Rachel and BB still have a wedding to pay for. If she keeps R she will win. Best to send Rachel packing now. I kind of think she will.

      • I was thinking the same thing. I love Jordan but she does not deserve to be there at this point, but for the life of me I can’t figure out WHY PORSHE is voting out Jordan instead of Rachel who IMO DESERVES to win the 500,000.00 and if makes it to final 2 she WILL WIN 7-0. Again, IMO Porshe is not telling the truth about who she is going to evict because she doesn’t want all the drama. Tonight should be very interesting Hated(strongly disliked) her last and part of this year but Rachel deserves to win the 500,000.00, especially over Adam and Porshe. Rachel is being severly under estimated, she is going to kick butt and take names if left to play in the final three!!!

      • @Carson and jobjub totally agree with you about this boring, predictable season.

        We now know that Porsche won the veto, but I am sure that she is choosing R to stay because BB wants Rachel to win.

        I predict R will win because they had A win, then P win so of course it will be time for R to win again. Very predictable. Whoever Rachel decides to bring with her Adam or Porche will win second place.

        Rachel and Brendon have a huge wedding to pay for and Rachel and Jordan have already said their boobs are too big and now need to have them made smaller. This after they both had them made bigger. Talk about two girls that are only concerned with their looks and nothing else.

      • I have wondered from the start if maybe no one applied to be on BB this season…is this the reason they had to pull in the old players. I refuse to believe that these houseguests were the top of the personallity ladder! don’t care who wins anymore…very boring…enjoy these updates more than the show!

  8. Hilarious!!

    Especially “Jeff wastes no time being the same bitter overly-entitled brat that he was all season in the house”

    Brilliant exchange between Shelly and Jeff. Nailed! It!

    • Jeff’s sense of entitlement/brattiness (?) is NOTHING compared to D (fugly, judas, call her whatever you want). And after last night, it certainly pales in comparison to cowlia’s! — -It’s so UNFAIRRR. boohoo. (yes, i know even the vets say it’s not fair but Cowlia took it to a new level).

  9. MATT (BBN) for the first time I did not like your commentary….I know this is only your view but the last half of it sucks…..

  10. I find it riduculous that Kahlia was trying to appeal to Adam that they wanted a newbie to win. That would have been a good plan if she wouldn’t have voted with the vets in the first week, vote out a newbie alliance member when she was HOH, and align herself with Dani. Kahlia, you are the one that had a huge hand in making sure the newbie alliance didn’t stick together, you idiot.

    • LOL. “you idiot” is correct. Something in the BB house is causing the HGs to have selective amnesia.

    • Laura you hit it right on. Cow-lia was the first trader. She had the audacity to sit there and tell Julie she stuck with them all the way through. Must have been low blood sugar since it had been an hour since she ate anything.

  11. matt, i love it. i look forward to reading your articles as much as watching the show. you are right on with your description of the HG. thanks again for the laugh.

  12. Porsche wins POV so she must decide whether to take Jordan or Rachel to the final three. It might be time for Jordan to leave. She’s pretty useless and obviously isn’t enjoying being in the BB house this season. It would be smarter to evict Rachel as she is a bigger threat.

  13. The look on Kalia’s face when Adam did not use the veto is PRICELESS!!

    She went from having this evil, cocky grin on her face to a look of absolute shock.

  14. I am trying to vote for America s favorite and it keeps saying error. Anyone else having issues via computer ??

  15. Jordan: The grass in the backyard is green and made of astro turf, there is a bicycle in the kitchen, my hair color is blonde. Omg I should look under the bathroom sink for the diamond POV and there it is WOOT!

  16. Why?— Has Rachel given such vile goodbye messages to everyone. She had this won. But it is going to be hard to overlook Her goodbyes. They are do personal and mean.

      • What you said.. “conceited,self-centered and just plain hateful” talks about a lot of the people on the show. And human beings (most) in general. Rachel isn’t the only one

    • I agree that she didn’t need to say those things in her goodbye messages. Not very smart of her. I keep hearing how smart she is by so many people on the site, but guess these people are to busy saying mean things about all the other HG’s.

  17. Go “Rachel”……….she had to really fight the whole way last time and this time..I am rooting for her……………I have begun to like her…she has changed and for the better……….Portia tried to hurt people, litteraly, and she is nOT a great player…I wouldn’t mind Adam winning, for he is like Jordon, a very likeable person……………..I still like Jeff and Jordon, don’t care what anyone say’s they are good people and Portia needs to go and America forget about this Blonde stupid bombshell…she is a you know what……..can’t anyone see that????

    • Carole you are right about Porshe. Guess people did not hear when she stated she had 2 phones; one for personal use and the other for her clients……excuse me clients? isn’t she a VIP waitress in a gentleman’s club? You know what type of clients those are. Someone like that doesn’t desire $500,000, let her work for it. Maybe a porn producer will hook her up.

      • @ Patti Yes, she is a VIP cocktail waitress, but so was Rachel.

        Rachel wants to pay for her dream wedding and have her boob job redone to make them smaller. Why are those reasons for winning any better than anyone else?

  18. Sad to say but I am actually happy the season is almost over. I have never bee so disappointed with a Big Brother season. The twists were predictable, the competitions were predictable, the outcome has been predictable since the very first episode. SO Happy it’s almost over. I only keep watching to see what trainwreck will happen next. Bring on Big Brother 14 and please come up with something new already!

    • This season it was so obvious that it was being controlled by production. Next time they need to be a little less obvious. The players were being called into DR way too much, especially prior to big moves/changes. guess they had to make sure this group of dumb dumb’s got it right…………Duh

  19. I’m a little confused.Why is Adam saying that he will give Jordan his clown to give to Jeff? Wouldn’t that be like rubbing Jeff’s “clown shoe” loss in his face? And won’t that tick Jeff off? Just saying. I myself think it would be funny,tho.Don’t care for Jeff’s high and mighty attitude.

    • I was laughing at Jeff last night. He did the same thing to Jesse and Natalie on his season and now he’s butthutrt because he was on the other side of that coin. To quote meathead himself”time to feel some pain, enjoy” Say what you want about Shelly, but that was a great move, those two were gonna coast to the final if that wasn’t done.

      • He did screw them, however they expected it. Shelly claimed she was on his side and continued to lie after he busted her. She is a coward.

      • @Shaun and @Gene I don’t know what happened to Jeff. I liked him in his season, but his attitude and temper this season is horrible. What a sore loser. Usually by this amount of time in jury a person calms down, but his certainly hasn’t.

  20. So Matt if kalia was a skinny white girl instead of a normal looking African-American woman you would not be. hurling. the food comments. at her. And btw while kalia was eating she has won more comps than your girl jordo

    • 1) Your assumption about me “hurling food comments” at Kalia only because she’s an African American female makes absolutely no sense.

      2) Since when was Jordo “my girl”? TEAM RACHEL!

      • shoequeeny, Matt has never been on the Jordo bandwagon. Where have you been, did you not see the part when he came on building up Rachel and bragging about what a great person she is? He has always been team Rachel from the beginning. Obviously you are one of those people just looking to make a racist comment. Maybe you and Cowlia (her nickname becuz all she did was eat-n-sleep)can get together and stroke each other.

      • Wow! I think Rachael ate more than anyone in the house. Go back and count the times she opened the fridge. More than anyone in the house put together. She was always putting something in her mouth.

      • @Kathy – See, when you exercise regularly you can usually eat without the guilt because you will be burning off those calories. Also, my husband & I exercise, and we eat six small meals a day, it keeps your metabolism rate high.

      • Thank you Kathy. I keep hearing these nasty remarks about Kalia. Rachel ate just as much, if not more than Kalia. I heard Rachel say she loved butter and could eat a pound of cheese by herself. She was always the first up in HOH after food. I guess it’s okay for Rachel fans to pick on every single person in the house except her.

        @BeachMamaOBX are you forgetting Rachel and Jordan the first time they played? Both of them gained a lot of weight and did not exercise. Jordan ate very little this season as she told Jeff she did not want to get fat again. Rachel lost 20 lbs. before coming back. I am glad that you and your husband eat 6 small meals a day. Rachel did not eat 6 small meals a day. I saw her snacking away on cheese like it was going out of style and then go down and eat a huge meal. Then after that meal bring a huge tray of snacks out to eat yet again. Big difference than what you and your husband do.

    • Yes she is fat, obviously you did not see all the rolls of fat when she was wearing a bikini!! My God when she shaves under her arms she had to pull the fat away so she could shave and then I almost lost it when she lifted her bottom up out of the water to shave her groin…….UGH

  21. I am surprised that you didn’t mention, or maybe you didn’t pick up on the fact, that Kalia was SHOCKED that the vote was a 1-1 tie. She even made a comment to Portia about “OMG!” And the look on her face as her tiny brain was trying to process the fact that she should have convinced Rachel to NOT evict her was so funny! (Almost as good as the deflated look her face had when Adam declined to use the POV.)

    I just don’t think she has the brain power to process how this game is played without Dani there telling her what to do and how to think. (“I need you to focus.” “I am.” and you could tell Dani was annoyed because Kalia was focused on food and sleeping not on playing the game.) Kalia is so stupid she didn’t even realize that Jordan, Adam and Rachel set it up so Rachel could personally evict her. LOL.

    Black Queen, indeed! Lawon gets my vote!

    • “Kalia is so stupid she didn’t even realize that Jordan, Adam and Rachel set it up so Rachel could personally evict her. LOL.”
      —- How dare you. Cowlia is a “smart and intelligent woman! This is so unfair!” boohoo. Cowlia just looked so funny crying and feeling entitled last night :))

      • @the WitchIsDead I don’t think she looked any worse than when Rachel was crying in the bushes and Brendon was trying to get her out or the several other times Rachel was crying hysterically. When Jordan and her looked like they were done, before Pandora’s Box they both were crying hysterically. What’s fair is fair.

        Kalia has never played the game before and her main fault was trusting people. As far as being intelligent she was very intelligent. When Adam had an upset stomach she told him to mix Sprite with Coke and someone on this site called her stupid. Well, if you google it that is exactly how you make fake gingerale when you don’t have the real thing. If Kalia was not evicted and had played in the FT HOH Kalia was up all night and had every line memorized correctly.

        You might not like her, but she is not stupid.

  22. Matt excellent job on your commentaries; they were the most entertaining part of the whole BB13 season.

  23. Will miss your laugh out loud recaps Matt. Too bad you have a day job, because you could be a writer for Big Brother! I would have enjoyed your versions of the Fortune Teller’s predictions much more than the one’s we listened to on BBAD.

    • Because Jeff is going to win americas choice for favorite house guest for the second time. Matt was not able to accomplish this even one time p.s VOTE JEFF!.

    • Give me a break. Why would Matt be jealous of Jeff. Jeff and Jordan really disappointed me this season. They were fantastic the first season but this time Jeff was a brat and thought he was the bomb. What a turn off. Nobody owed him anything. Hope he is embarrassed when he watches the replays. Shelly played a good game. Jeff is made that she made her play before he got a chance to put her out. Suck it up Jeff. It is what it is. Stop being such a baby. Be a man now. It’s time!

    • get the grammar right will you — Its YOU’RE (not your) — LOL – Matt has nothing to be jealous about with Jeff – are you kidding? – Jeff is a sore loser – PERIOD!!

    • I agree Kate. I was just going to say Matt sounds a little bitter and jealous in this article. Maybe because he sucked on his season and knowone wanted him back this season. Not even CBS…

  24. This was one of the funniest reviews I’ve ever read here or anywhere else. Funny, yes. Mad funny, in fact… but mean, yo. This was so wicked I thought that maybe Ragan co-wrote it w/ you. This was hilariously mean-spirited, but at least you were democratic in your cattiness. No one escaped it, although the bed and fridge commenting on Kalia’s departure was a tad over-the-top, still it was funny as hell.

    Maybe you’re too freaking clever for CBS, Matt. Seriously. Maybe a career in screenwriting is in your future. *ponder*

  25. matt are you saying that rachel cant count? she is a university graduate and very smart as jordan has said. do you have a need to say this because you feel that no one likes her?. remember in your season you were the liar not racel she is very straight forward and has won a lot of competeitions she deserves to win big brother but we all know that a childish vindictive jury will not let her but she is one of the best no matter what. i like rachel and i wish her well. thanks

  26. by the way your comments are very childish and makes no sense. dont you have a job?. i will not be reading anymore of your c…

    • Saying his comments make no sense is incorrect just because your iq is in the low 60-70’s range. If you state ‘Matt you are so much smarter than me please send me a copy that is easier for us stupid people to read”. Stop using 8-10 letter words I can read up to six letters per word and the post cannot span longer then one paragraph in length. You might get lucky and he will write a F@CK YOU letter personally addressed to you. :) HAVE A NICE DAY

    • What doesn’t make sense? Obviously he is writing these to bring us all some comic relief. Don’t take everything so seriously.

  27. Matt, your comments are the BEST part of BB13!!! This year has got to be the worst one ever. I do look forward to your column everyday though. Thanks for taking the time to make us laugh.

  28. Go Adammmmmm!!! He’s got the best gameplay. Who cares if you win HOH’s or POV’s. Look at Russell Hantz of Survivor. All you need is friends at the end to vote for you.

    • Yes, Russell Hantz madeit too the fianl three in Survivor twice but never won. Why? He had a bad social game. He ticked off too many people and they would not vote fr him to win.

  29. Matt: I’m so glad you have a talent other than playing “Brother”. Your description of players is absolutely on target. They could and should consider your reviews as self-improvement lessons. Thanks for all the humor and insight.

  30. Reality_Junkies Reality Show Junkies
    President’s speech tonight should not impact Big Brother. He told NFL fans not to worry, and kickoff begins 30 mins before BB. #bb13

  31. BEST one ever Matt =]
    I have to say, your recaps have gotten pretty bad, but this one TAKES THE CAKE. IT WAS SOOOO FUNNY!!!

  32. KSS says:
    September 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    AND, more jury house, give the jury the live feeds 24/7 from inside the house so they too can see the real game being played, with full size screens here and there in different spots, it would be like the jury is still in the game, watching what really goes on. live feeds in the jury house too. i would love that.

  33. Matt’s lie his year on BB was so stupid, but do enjoy his recaps they are for entertainment purposes only and do not mean anything I love Jeff & Jordan always /hope Jeff wins AC and Rachel wins BB this year. only bad part is either Adam or Porsche will come in 2nd and hate to see them get a dime

  34. Matt, will you please stop joking about Kalia’s weight! She is the size of an average American woman. Interesting that it was mentioned that if she was white would you still joke about her size. Don’t forget that Rachel and Jordon were not the smallest female houseguests last season. And what about Adam? I noticed no comments were ever mentioned of his size. Kalia is a highly intelligent young woman who played an outstanding game this seaon. To all you haters out there, just accept the fact that Kalia was a great game player.

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