Big Brother 13 Episode 19: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

It’s eviction night on Big Brother, and we finally get to start forming the Jury! Chenbot kicks things off, and I’m going to tip my hat to her tonight as she actually looks pretty bangable. For a cyborg. She brings us back to a reminder of Dani’s “zombie” speech that sent Brendon back up on the block as a replacement nominee. With Brendon on the brink of going home again, we’re basically back to where we were two weeks ago. This is CBS’s way of double-taunting us for wasting our summer watching this crap.

Brendon’s stupidity confidence is riding high as he tells us, “I did not fight my way back in to get evicted one more time.” First off, yes you did. Secondly, please accept my sincere congratulations on being the first contestant in 13 seasons to ever get evicted three times in less than 12 months. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. For now let’s just take a moment to laugh quietly amongst ourselves at Brendon’s follow-up statement, “Nobody’s gonna be able to evict me twice in the same summer. Good luck, Daniele”.

Good luck, indeed.

Shelly’s also feeling safe and says that she doesn’t think she’ll be falling into zombie land. Funny, since I sometimes wonder if she crawled out of zombie land.

Big Brother 13 episode 19 Zombie Shelly

Dani says what a disaster last week’s HoH was, and how she needs to “clean up Kalia’s mess”. She’s talking about all the crumbs, candy bar wrappers, and potato chip bags all over the HoH room, right? Cool – just checking.

[SIDEBAR: To all the jerk-offs repeatedly commenting about how horrible it is that I make fun of Kalia’s weight – making fun of someone eating all the time (when they do) is not the same as making fun of someone’s weight. I am fully aware (and in agreement) that Kalia is an averaged-sized woman…who just so happens to consume food like a herd of ravenous cattle]

The results of the veto ceremony are bittersweet for Rachel. On one hand she may lose her man this week, but on the other hand she gets to throw yet another infamous Rachel Pity Party™ and practice more of her tearless crying. In the midst of comforting her, Brendon calls Rachel “Bookie”, which she makes into a huge ordeal and lays into him about how embarrassing and personal that is. Oh wait…no she doesn’t. Because she’s not the world’s most oversensitive pussy. I must be thinking of someone else…

…SPEAKING OF! – Brendon tells Rachel that he was sent back into the game to remind her that she can succeed. What a hero! He’s like an angel sent down from Skype.

Rejuvenated, Brenchel decide to start campaigning for votes. They start by pestering Adam, dishing some skewed logic that he should vote to keep Brendon because the house is favoring women. Adam, trying to politely play along, jokes that the game should be called “Big Sister”.

[“Big Sister”, huh? See – now this is where I could easily make an obvious “Kalia weight” joke. But I won’t. Or, in pointing that out, did I? Lighten up – I still maintain my innocence!]

Adam gets out of the conversation by saying to Brendon exactly what I’m feeling – “You make my head hurt and my stomach hurt.” Well played, sir. Brenchel are not beaten-down yet, though! Their next target (as they, themselves, float from floater to floater) is Porsche. Even Porsche can pick up on the insane desperation in Rachel’s plea. Thankfully for the entertainment of the viewing audience, she doesn’t even give Rachel a small glimmer of hope and instead just flat-out tells her that voting for Brendon benefits her in no way. This is the most I’ve liked Porsche all season, and we get to see a fantastic Rachel Pout™ (my favorite!) to finish it all off.

In the backyard, Shelly tells Jeff and Jordan that she’s done “Trojan horsing” – meaning all the sneaking around and lying to gather information and pass it along to all sides of the house. Essentially, the same thing that she spent most of the prior episode crying about in the Diary Room and claiming she never did. And in case we forgot for a second just how schizophrenic Shelly is, she ends by saying how she can’t trust Rachel anymore because of all Rachel’s lies last week. Ugh.

Once Shelly leaves, Daniele comes out to do some preventative ass-kissing to Jeff and Jordan on the likelihood that one of them will be in power next week. I don’t remember what they even talk about, though, because I am distracted by Jeff and Jordan’s matching pink hoodies. I find this kind of odd and creepy. And that’s coming from someone in their 30’s who wore children’s onesie pajamas on national television for an entire summer.

The next morning Brenchel (still with the overwhelming stink of desperation on them from the day before) forge ahead with their plea for votes. They hit up Jeff and Jordan who (like the rest of the house) come as close to laughing in their delusional faces as they can come without actually literally laughing in their faces. While Jeff makes completely logical and valid points as to why voting for Brendon would be a total bonehead move, Rachel calls them “cowards” and “sheep” for not bowing down to the Great and Powerful Brenchel. Rachel says, “I might be emotional, but I’m not stupid.” You might be emotional, Rachel? MIGHT?! Yeah…I’d say so, just a little.

Back on the live show, Julie pops in to talk to the houseguests. Since the Chenbot is looking good tonight, we know that we’re in for some asinine questions. Because in the world of Chen, “high fashion” and “solid journalism” seem to be mutually exclusive. J.C. does not disappoint:

JULIE: Shelly, you won a phone call from home. What did it mean to you to hear from your family?

SHELLY: It reminded me that I am a wife. And a mother. And a wife. And everyone in this house is a bunch of liars. Did I mention I’m a mother? The truth will set you free, Julie!

JULIE: Jordan – that phone call was originally yours. You gave it away to Shelly and ended up with the “humilitard”. Was it worth it?

JORDAN: Absolutely! I got the house on my good side by locking Shelly up for a day, and I get to wear this funny little costume! It’s weird that people have been kicking me in the back all week, though. What’s a “dunce”, Julie?

JULIE: Brendon, America gave you the chance to get back in the house. Why do you think they chose you over Dominic, Cassi, or Keith?

BRENDON: Have you ever seen the movie “Carrie”, Julie? I see that bucket of blood hanging over my head right now. I’m a rocket scientist!

JULIE: Rachel – with Brendon sitting up on the block again, how are you holding up?

RACHEL: I feel fine, Julie, because I am certain that Brendon will be voted back into the house again. How long is this season, anyway? And when does Lawon come back?

Next up, Julie introduces a taped package from Shelly’s family back home. We learn a lot of fun facts about Shelly, like:

  • Shelly got married to her husband in 2001 when she was 31 years old. (Or was it that she got married to her husband in ‘31 when she was 2001 years old? I may have written that down wrong.)
  • Shelly was voted homecoming king queen.
  • Shelly is usually the life of the party.
  • Shelly’s parties are terrible.

Probably the most interesting thing that we learn about Shelly is that she accidentally had her baby switched at birth at the hospital, and somewhere in America there is a gorgeous, highly intellectual couple taking care of this:

Big Brother 13 episode 19 baby

Thankfully for Shelly, she ended up with a daughter named Josie who is not only adorable and articulate, but who also is a better Big Brother strategist than any other person on this season’s cast. Josie wastes no time telling us all about her mother’s flawed gameplay and says that she needs to “stop lying and pick a side”. Finally, Josie punctuates the segment with a loud-and-clear “shut up, Rachel”, which makes her my #1 vote for “Big Brother” Season 26.

Back in the living room, it’s time for the nomination speeches. Shelly is up first, and she’s killing me with her holier-than-thou discourse talking about “dignity”, “class”, and “honesty”. Let’s just throw this image from last night’s entry up again for good measure:

Big Brother 13 episode 9 hypocrite

Brendon’s speech is bizarre and runs the gamut from thanking a collegiate department, talking about how he’ll be curing cancer (with rockets?), subtly threatening the rest of the house, and then closing with one of the worst Season 10 Jerry impressions that anyone could possibly muster up. In case there was any doubt in anyone’s mind, Brendon’s speech alone is enough reason to vote him out.

To no one’s surprise, Rachel talks like a hard-ass lunatic for no good reason, Adam wears a bacon-related shirt, and Brendon goes home in a 5-1 vote. Third time’s a charm, because this one’s for good! Brendon exits the Big Brother house and this time makes sure to give half of the audience whatever disease is on his hands from all of this week’s Rachel crotch-fondling as he runs through the aisles awkwardly touching everyone. Julie doesn’t have much more to say to Brendon since they talk every other week now, so after some fluff questions they get straight to the goodbye videos:

KALIA: I have no idea why America voted you back in the house, but the good news is that you’re leaving! The bad news is that I’m not smart enough to know not to throw needless insults at someone who could potentially vote for me to win a half-million dollars!

JEFF: I guess I’ll look after Rachel, but since I’ve been in a two-year relationship with someone whom I’ve rarely touched and have never seen naked, I’m not really sure what to do with a woman. Does she have an instruction manual? Or better yet, an “off” switch?

RACHEL: I am so much better without you in the house. You are completely unnecessary to my life both inside and outside of this game. Don’t hate me because I’m going to make it farther than you did last season, Bookie!

Somehow Brendon seems to miss the negative underlying points of everything he just heard because he claps like a gorilla in heat and talks about how happy and grateful he is. We end the night with a competition that we’ve seen on several other seasons (NO?!?) involving walking back and forth using a cup to fill up a container with liquid until a ball floats to the top. The first one to grab it wins and is the new Head of Household. Before Julie finishes explaining the rules, Kalia has already drank all of her liquid and eaten her cup, so she is out. The rest of the houseguests continue to compete past the show’s end, and Julie makes me a happy little man by announcing a Double Eviction Episode next Thursday. I was hoping for a Double Execution Episode, but I’ll take what I can get.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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67 Comments

  1. Hahahahahaha, that was great reading for me sooo funny. .Gonna have to bookmark your page or something lol. .Live in England and I’m trying to find out who won Hoh, thanks for the laugh.

  2. Matt, that is hysterical. You get better and better. Always look forward to your comments. I really am sick of watching these people. I started watching BB on your season and comparing seasons, I see a large group of haters this season. I mean really dull hating jealous people. Although I like Rachel and Brendon, I am thinking that CBS should have simply gone with all new people and let the strong come forth and the weak go. The vets came in with a fan base and because people know them I think it overshadowed the new people. Even if some of the new people were dull we never really had a chance to see them evolve and see what they would become on the show. I now think it was a mistake for CBS to bring back any vets.

    • I agree. It should’ve been all newbies this year. They could’ve saved the vets for next season when they could’ve done BB All-Star’s 2.

  3. I am freaking laughing like crazy…..Matt you are a genious!!!
    Kalia eating and drinking her liquid and cup…..LMAO!!!!

      • I do believe that during the comp I heard Adam say that he wanted a cigarette and Kalia told him she was hungry…I may have misunderstood so don’t take it as gospel..

  4. LMAO- I look forward to reading these every week! :) My favorite part was about Brendon curing cancer with rockets, lol hilarious!

  5. Matt you rock, I love your recaps they are always entertaining…todays was off the charts!! Anyone who has endured the torture in the bb house deserves the right to rip on how crazy everyone is, you being one of the craziest players as well!! Keep up the awesome reviews, always a guaranteed laugh

  6. I’ll have to say, when I saw the graphic of the baby with “Mommy’s Little Liar” crudely written over it, I had to check myself so I didn’t get upset before I read it. But when I got to that part, I must say, very tastefully done.

    Kudos for not picking on Shelly’s kid.

  7. That was absolutely hilarious Matt. It’s a shame CBS didn’t bring you back. You would have made this season so much better.

    It’s a shame they brought back the “eh” BB players (excluding Dick and Danielle ofc). This season went downhill the minute Dick left.

  8. Every week I look forward to these entries. As much as I’m rooting for Dani, I think the sheer satisfaction of being HoH both times Brendon was evicted would be enough for me lol. Truthfully, I don’t think any of these house guests should win… big final twist, you all leave empty handed, and if theres a deserving person next year they get double the prize… just saying :)

    • With Jeff in power this week; I fear for the houseguests and their safety. Kalia will most likely journey into a stress eating binge and rip through all of the food. Poor Adam is older and slower than the rest of the herd and will not escape this week without losing a large chunk of leg. These are dangerous times in the BB house.

  9. Matt, why could’t you come back this season with Hayden? I would have loved to see you go up against brenchel and Jejo.

  10. >While Jeff makes completely logical and valid points as to why voting for Brendon would be a total bonehead move, Rachel calls them “cowards” and “sheep” for not bowing down to the Great and Powerful Brenchel. Rachel says, “I might be emotional, but I’m not stupid.”<

    What happened to drawing a line in the sand, calling teams and going to war…?

  11. “Brendon exits the Big Brother house and this time makes sure to give half of the audience whatever disease is on his hands from all of this week’s Rachel crotch-fondling as he runs through the aisles awkwardly touching everyone.”

    Oddly enough, that is exactly what I thought when I saw him touch so many people. What kind of outbreak did that pathetic tv moment create?

    Well, I bet he’s thrilled to have time alone for his ears to heal and to plan out his next Skype adventures.

  12. Matt.. I still think your lie last year was not appropriate, but this is not about last year. You are the “man” when it comes to the most honest and humerous view of the train wreck we can’t stop watching. You really do get better and better at this. I enjoy your comments everyday. Please don’t stop!

  13. One thing that made me giggle was when I read the words “taped package” and Shelly in the same paragraph.

  14. Great post by Matt and oh god I can’t even watch the feeds with Kalia and Dani so annoying K just eats like a contestant trying out for the biggest loser and D with her whispering and her skeleton face.

    • No, sir – YOU’RE an idiot. Kaysar was evicted TWO times during a 12-month period. His third eviction fell outside of that by about a month. Suck it, know-it-all. :-)

      • Well actually about 1 week. He was 1st evicted on Day 33 of BB6 and his last eviction was Day 39 of BB7.

  15. Matt you are so funny and I agree with the person that said you should have been one that they brought back this season. You are spot on with your recaps and descriptions of the characters in this season. LMAO!

  16. Matt-Once again, laugh out loud funny! Way to defend yourself on Kalia. I think she is eating so much to “help” with all the stress she is under. Or maybe just because the food is there to be eaten…

  17. I LOVE Matt’s breakdown of the show! He is saying what I am thinking and saying it so perfectly!!! I would LOVE to see another “All Star” season with Matt back in the house!!!!

  18. if matt was supposed to be the one to come back then he would have and bb would have offered him a sweet pkg that he couldnt refuse to come back buttttt they didn’t so he’s here instead. sorry matt u do a good job here but i really didn’t want to spend my summer with you again. remember be funny but be kind also…you may go back someday. please tell you are using your dry sense of humor about shelly’s child. Josie is very mature for her young age and realizes her mom is lying and is destroying the one true alliance she has with jj. peace matt

  19. BORING…can we have another americas vote and get rid of everybody… none of them deserve to win…

  20. ps matt, kalia’s rump isnt the only thing getting bigger in bb house check out porsche’s tail it isnt getting any smaller…just saying she is getting rolls and her microfleece is getting tighter in the midriff area

      • What is the deal with Porche wearing that sweatsuit all the time?! I’m not dolled up all the time, but if I were on national tv, I would at least change outfits sometimes….lol. And I agree with Matt about Jeff and Jordan wearing those matching pink jackets. There’s even been a few times Jeff and brendon were wearing matching blue tank tops….lol.

  21. Here’s a scenario for ya all. Danielle is evicted, Kalia wins HOH and nominates Rachel who goes next and there we have it. Brendan, Dani and Rachel all in the Jury house. Hmmm I think we should be watching those live feeds LOL.

  22. Matt- You are hilarious. Probably the most well spoken of all past HG combined. You were my fave of season 12. Instead of a genius, adorable, and well articulated man winning… A frat boy reigned supreme. I look forward to the live eviction shows just so I can read these posts every Friday morning. Love you!

  23. Great summary Matt. Are you sure you won’t play BB again? I hope now that the power has shifted Daniele will be able to stay in the game. She has made terrible mistakes but she doing the best she can to fix it. She is social and competitive a good mix.

    • Dani is the best competitive player in the game, everyone is waiting for someone else to do something. Jordan is playing the same game as last time, sitting with her whiny face waiting for the jury to hand her the money.

  24. The “What a hero! He’s like an angel sent down from Skype.” was golden !

    As great as always, Matt !

  25. Hilarious as always.

    Who thinks the forrest gump (jordon) of big brother will win again? Watching BBAD last night, she seemed stricken with HOH Syndrome more than Jeff. WTF?

  26. I love reading these! It’s so wrong to laugh at some of this stuff but I can’t help it haha.

  27. I would’ve stopped watching bb for good if this complete moron had came back this season, and Kaysar was also evicted three times in one year. This season is WAAYYYYY better than yours matty, get over it.

      • This season is a lot better, but not because of Matt! If he was here, this would be a great season! The only reason I didn’t like last season was because of the lack of any suspenseful votes. You knew who was going home every week, and there was a grand total of 3 votes that strayed from the rest.

  28. I sit here at my computer at work and laugh out loud while I read this every week. And like someone else already said, it just keeps getting better each week. I look forward to Thursday and Fridays even more now!! Thanks for the laughs!!

  29. Matt, I look forward to reading your commentary more than I look forward to watching the actual BB episode.So very very funny and spot on. Keep up the great work!

  30. I know I heard Danielle and Jeff and Jordan Make a deal with each other….. and I thought everyone wanted Rachel out this week. They all said they were sick of her, even jordan and jeff… What good did it do to get brendon out and not rachael?? explain mattt?????

  31. Thank you all for voting back Bookie. Watching him get evicted 3 times in one year is just good TV.
    Matt, I am not so sure he is the 1st to be evicted three times in a year though…wasn’t Kasar evicted 3 times between BB6 and BB7?

  32. Dani did not even evict Adam for his birthday , but i think BB will give her a nice hour i hope .Boy look at Shells face she looks like the cat that ate the cannery.She thinks if she say s she is a vice precedent witch i doubt the hg will think she has money she is the one that says this and that how dumb is jeff and Jordan she will knock them down for a diet cola.

  33. Matt, thanks for these recaps. They are much more interesting than actually watching the show!

    Too bad you are not doing recaps for all of the shows. My abbs are getting a really good work out from laughing so much!

  34. Can we just surrender and give Jordan another 500,000? We all know she’s going to win because she’s… nice.

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