Big Brother 13 Episode 12: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

If you love crying and pouting and Brenchel, then this may be your favorite episode of Big Brother to date. We start off recapping the power shift in the house where Daniele turned on the vets and put up Brendon and Rachel for eviction. She likens herself to Robin Hood, but I think we already have that role filled in the house:

Big Brother 13 Episode 12

For the first time this season, Rachel actually elicits tears when she cries. Through hazy eyes she gives us a lesson in medieval folklore as she rambles on about swords and Excalibur and other things that you can tell by her awkward delivery were fed to her by production.

Brenchel go back to the Have Not room to pout and cry and complain about how nothing is fair whenever things aren’t completely catered to them. Brendon says that the worst case scenario if he goes home is that they’ll be married for the rest of their lives. Wow…things really are looking bleak.

The tears continue to flow, and Brenchel is able to use their professional experience to turn Big Brother into a poorly-acted, poorly-scripted daytime soap opera. Brendon, even in the face of tragedy, is also able to continue to arrogantly tout his vast expanse of knowledge:

RACHEL: I can’t play this game without you, Bookie.

BRENDON: Yes you can. I believe in you. You have something very big in there. [points to Rachel’s heart]

RACHEL: My silicone bags?

BRENDON: No – back there behind your mediastinum.

RACHEL: I don’t know what you mean.

BRENDON: Your heart, Rachel. You have a big heart. You would have known that if you were a PhD like me.

RACHEL: You’re so smart, Bookie.

BRENDON: Don’t worry about the money. I’m going to cure cancer.

RACHEL: Cancer-shmancer! I want $500,000!

Time to pull names for the veto competition. Daniele pulls Jeff’s name, and Rachel and Brendon pull out the competitive powerhouse of Adam and Porsche. Rachel is happy at the odds of someone in her alliance winning the veto and using it on her. She says, “we have a great chance of keeping either Brendon or myself in the game this week.” Yeah, Rachel – that’s pretty much how it works, seeing as only one of you can go home. Much to the dismay of the viewing audience, Daniele opts for Lawon to be the host of the competition.

Jeff and Jordan lounge around in the purple room to talk strategy. Jeff says that no matter what type of deal he makes with Daniele, he will backdoor her next week if he wins HoH. Production scrambles to put together next week’s HoH competition – a trivia game about Jeff’s childhood.

Lawon busts out of the Diary Room looking like a flamboyant poor man’s Flavor Flav to announce the start of the veto competition. He does not disappoint in my anticipation of him annoying the piss out of me with D.R. snippets like this:

LAWON: I look at the veto competition, and I SEE HE/SHE LAYIN’ OUT THERE! I’m like, HE/SHE’S BACK?! We gotta shave her legs AGAIN??? WHAT?! SHAZAAM! KAPLOOIE! SOUNDBYTE!

Big Brother outdoes themselves in the creativity department once again by rehashing five competitions from this very season. Round one involves quickly putting balls in your mouth. No surprise, Rachel wins that one and eliminates Adam. Also no surprise? – Brendon obnoxiously cheering on Rachel and reminding everyone that she’s his fiancé. Round two finds Rachel trying to put a puzzle together. Tests of mental fortitude don’t work out as well for her as ball-gobbling, and she is eliminated. Assumed pouting ensues. Round three involves Daniele needing to spell something, and she’s out. Round four sees Jeff trying to fill a milk jug up while Shelly (ever masterful in hiding her allegiance to the vets) cheers for him from the sidelines even more than Jordan does. Jeff fails and gets eliminated, leaving Porsche and Brendon in the final two. Porsche uses the same strategy in the veto competition that she’s been using in the house all season – stand around quietly and inconspicuously, and hope that no one knows she’s even there. Brendon, on the other hand, actually tries in the competition and pulls out a victory in the last round. Brendon wins the Golden Power of Veto and we the viewers win a gross slow-motion Brenchel dry-humping sequence.

Brendon comes up with some hair-brained scheme to convince people that he’s using the POV on himself when he’s really going to use it to save Rachel. The major flaw in his plan of deception is that no one believes him nor even cares, and it would not affect the replacement nominee either way. For the sake of humanity, I hope that curing cancer is easier than fooling a house full of nitwits. In a fit of desperation, Brendon puts on his pink warrior bandana and goes up to the HoH room to try and convince Daniele to make sure that both him and Rachel stay in the house this week. Daniele does her best to not burst into a fit of laughter before they all head downstairs for the veto meeting.

To the shock and surprise of nobody, Brendon uses the Power of Veto to save Rachel, and Jordan gets put up as a replacement nominee. A diary room session shows Brendon running his mouth about how masterful he was in ruining Daniele’s “house of cards” while a following diary room session from Daniele proves that he’s an idiot because it’s exactly what Daniele wanted to happen. Rachel talks about being a “fairytale princess” and how Brendon is her “knight in shining armor”, and for once I actually tolerate this drivel because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…only one more episode, and “The Brenchel Show” comes to a close so we can get back to “Big Brother”.

Brendon and Rachel have a tough rest of the week, knowing that their summer of love is coming to an imminent end. But an even tougher time is to be had by the editors of CBS’s Thursday night show to try and make it seem like there’s even a miniscule chance of Jordan going home. Bye-bye, Brenchel!

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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94 Comments

  1. Wouldn’t it be better to evict Jordan because she won last year by basically “floating” to the end? Sometimes the quite ones are the ones to watch out for.

    • I hope they evict Jordan she doesn’t need to win it again. I am hoping for drama’s sake they keep Brendon so we can see how Dani starts to scramble to keep from getting evicted next week. I’m all for drama it keeps the show interesting.

      • I would evict Jordan because if she makes it through the ENTIRE game TWICE (even if you think she is floating) she deserves to win again!

      • Putting myself in their shoes, if I were in it to win it, I would keep Jordan until the very end. She may be sweet but she’s already won once. And if I were on the jury, I wouldn’t vote for her because she’s already won once. Either way, I would think she’s a safe bet. Of course, like Matt said, it’s a house full of nitwits, so who knows what they would do.

      • Yes, Jordan needs to be evicted but not tonight hopefully. Brendan needs to go tonight. J J or R should be evicted next week.
        Go Dani & Dom or Cassie or Keith.

    • Ummm…you may want to brush up on your Big Brother history…Jordan won TWO years ago…last year was Hayden.

    • Jordan was NEVER a floater… Jordan and Jeff were targeted a lot. Everyone hated them in the house actually the only person that really talked to them was Casey and he left before jury. The only reason Jordan made it to the finals is because she won the hoh

      • Oh, that is interesting because I wasn’t watching BB then. Jordon always gives this air that everyone loves her. I don’t and wish she would get voted out–but I know Brendon will be the one to go.

      • Actually – that’s not true at all. They had two very loyal allies in Russell and Michele. Then Jeff, in his infinite mental fortitude and with Jordan’s vast intellectual help, decided to turn on their own alliance to believe a lie told to him by two people that had hardly spoken to him the whole game. He went home the next week.

        Jordan only won because Kevin made a huge mistake by keeping Jordan over Michele at the F4. Had he kept Michele he would have been guaranteed a minimum of $50K, because hell would have frozen over before she would have taken Natalie to the finals had she won the final HOH comps.

      • Yeah Natalie made up a lie but Russell was already talking to Michelle about putting Jeff and Jordan up. He was the one that turned on Jeff first.

    • i agree with you… she is kind of playing the same game as 11… only difference is she is nasty behind peoples back… i think she is hanging around Kalia too much .. i have lost all respect for that one .. do love Adam and Shelly tho.. interesting game play without all the nasty…

      • Shelley… not playing nasty? That’s all I seen from her old butt kissing, back-stabbing self. She really thinks that she’s slick. If she had the guts she would have wanted to backdoor Jeff too. Brendon is the apple of her eye. She doesn’t really care for J&J.

    • I agree. Jordan won BB11 for two reasons: charming the pants off her housemates, while riding Jeff’s coattails.

    • OMG MATT..I couldn’t read your post because of the tears (from laughter) even my husband was laughing,and he doesn’t laugh at anything…thanks

      • Yes very funny. Matt, have you heard of a blogger by the name of Tallulah Morehead? Please google and read her BB updates.

  2. His whole “cancer” spiel made me want to barf. I am actually in a Ph.D. program in Biology right now studying Immunology, and he has absolutely no clue what he’s talking about. He thinks he can cure cancer, but he acts like such a dummy on TV. Good luck with that one, Brendon.

    “Brendon says that the worst case scenario if he goes home is that they’ll be married for the rest of their lives. Wow…things really are looking bleak.” -Your best line ever, Matt.

  3. I Matt more this season than last. Every comment he made about last nights episode ran through my head last night. Bye, bye Brendon and take that crumbled stack of cards with you.

  4. Matt needs to do narrated play by plays. This is gold! I watched the episode but I think this recap is better :D

  5. Hi Matt, Not sure how u r really feeling bout this yrs bb. But 2 me, its the worst ever! Even though last yr, the plan that all of u had did not quite work, lol.. It was a good 1 & MUCH BETTER than this yrs. Not sure what BB was thinkin 2 bring back B&R r any of the old cast members really. The newbies had no chance at all once the old cast walked through the door. Ur recaps r very good & enjoy seeing u & hearing from u again! Thanks 4 ur hard work!

  6. Hey Matt, nice job once again! question (and maybe you can’t answer it for legal reasons) but you mentioned that production “feeds” stuff to the hg’s, is that true?

    • The “production feeding” is the worst ever this year. Its especially awkward in the diary room sessions. Its as if they do not trust the HGs to come up with any interesting verbiage on their own. As a fan, I would rather see actual thoughts from the HGs instead of the crap that production feeds them. I think Matt will tell you that production is very active in their “feeding” of dialouge to the HGs and that also production goes to great lengths to create a “persona” or “character” for the HGs to play out during the course of the season. Am I right Matt?

    • Yes, Matt has a career as a humorist. These updates are very funny. Now a Matt fan for that reason. Very witty and incisive. Great work.

    • OMG I couldn’t have said it any better, Matt! That was too funny and so true! Brendon and Rachel are in poor taste, especially for Big Brother! Time for them to go, and watch Daniele pick the other HGs off like flies.

  7. Did any body see crab shell crawling under hammock to listen to RR talking if that is gaming forget it not very grown up , she is a sick cookie worst than anyone in the bbh hope they catch her on the act.

  8. Best thing about BB this season? Watching Rachel slip and fall on her face while trying to exercise this week. Hilarious.

  9. Matt is brilliant! Summed up this weeks show quite nicely. Please can we get back to BB and away from the crazy couple.

    I wonder who the producers want to win the show? Like Matt said, I wouldn’t be surprised if this week there would be a quiz on Jeff’s childhood. And they would probably feed him the answers beforehand in the DR.

  10. Big Brother is about to announce America’s vote to bring back one of the first four evicted houseguests. CBS production staff alerted Brendon so that he could take Rachel off the block and let himself be evicted–the thinking being that he would have a better chance of being voted right back into the game where Rachel would have a less chance of winning America’s vote.

      • Yes, please, Nadin & I would like to know. Are these the words of complete knowledge or one from a lover of conspiracies.

  11. I look forward to Matt’s recaps so much…wish he’d have an aftershow! i especially enjoyed the comment about the upcoming HOH competition!

  12. Love your recap! So, BB doesn’t seriously believe anyone, with any sanity left , would really vote to be subjected to more Brenchel? Would love to see Jeff get Hoh and see Cassi come back to mess with Rachel…wishful thinking :)

  13. America’s vote for an evicted hg to come back?? R u sure?? yea, like Brandon has any shot at that lol

  14. Matt, you’re outta control. I’m calling Brendan B-Pac from now on because of that pink bandana. It’s gonna be great watching Rachel have an epic meltdown.

  15. Its just funny that not only in your season(matt BB12) but now on this entire website, and in this season, nobody has anything better to do then bash Brenchel. I think last season you guys spent more time talking shit about Brenchel, than you did collectively talking about any other subject on the planet, and same this season so far! I mean everyone complains about it being the Brenchel show, but yet when the cameras aren’t on them, everyone does nothing but talk about them (this season and last) and now you guys are making this a Brenchel site. There. Is nothing better to talk about this season or last, because everyone else are a bunch of drags. As sickening as they are Brenchel are the only ones making anything worth watching…all Shelly does is sit around and smoke, dani sits in the bath and shaves or sleep, while kahlia sits in her room talking/eating non-stop about shit that Dani doesn’t even care about. Adam screams all day about nothing, Jordan sits there staring into space for hours on end-while Jeff does the same, but at least hoans in every once in a while. And Porsha just randomly walks around the house looking around. I mean rally CBS you guys casted a group of douche bags this season(aside from Jeff). But, in any case, the only reason people focus so much on Brenchel is because they are scared of getting beat by them. And while yes they are dramatic, rightfully so. They are exhausted and feel defeated as would anyone else in their situation..They win 90% of the competitions but yet they still go home with one slip up. I don’t care how annoying they are, they win shit, they anialate and people are so unbelievably threatened by them. If someone were smart they’d actually try to work with them. I really hope he is the HG voted back in..they deserve a break. And let’s face it Matt, your the last one who should be talking about peoples charachter, last season if you weren’t sitting there talking about your wifes fake illness while constantly fiddling your sack. Then you were playing footsy with Regan, while still fiddling you sack.

    • Really? So the talk about The Brigade and Britney was less last season than the Brenshal bashing? I think once your awesome HGs are eliminated again we can get back to what BB fans tune in to watch. Annihilate? Really? They were forgotten by the end of last season as they will be this time as well. I think the only reason they have an appeal is for the “train wreck” factor.

    • We bash Brenchel so much, becuase that’s all we get to see!
      And by the way, not everyone watching the live feeds, and everyone else is talking to one another STRATEGICALLY, while Brenchel is sitting in the Have-Not room crying…
      And calling Daniele a home wreaker or some stupid like that. (not exact words, but I see it coming)

      • Actually, I agree with Mandi. Yes, Brendon is, in Matt’s words, a “Sniveling Pussbag”, and Rachel is kind of a whiny bitch, but SERIOUSLY! They’re just people. Complaining incessantly about this year being the “Brenchel Show” isn’t going to make them go away. If you don’t like how the show is focused on them that much that you go on websites just to bash them, then stop watching the show. I feel so bad for Rachel seeing all the nasty comments about her from BB 12 and BB 13 when she gets out. Also, you have to remember that being on big brother is probably pretty stressful, so she’s probably not that bad in real life.

  16. Is it just me or is Rachel more annoying this year? I think Jeff and Jordan need to worry about getting Rachel & Porsche out before Danielle…. Lavon is going to win this year anyway, Its almost always the one that no one wants to put on the block because they think its a waste of their HOH to get out a weak player.

    • Two examples of people you described who didn’t win.
      Kathy, Enzo.
      Enzo avoided the block until F5. So don’t count your cards just yet.

  17. Its Lawan…and no matter what he won’t win. Even if he slips through the cracks and falls the way to final 4, he will have to then win an HOH which we all know isn’t possible. Because nobody will bring him. To final 2 cause they will all think he can beat them out in votes.

  18. Love it! Wish you could recap the feeds too, because that meltdown with Rachel was epic yesterday. As always, hilarious. Can’t wait to read the next one :)

    • It was even better today!
      R – “Brendon, I’m going to walk out of the house with you”
      B – “Okay, Rachel, do it! We can cure cancer together!”
      Give me a Kit-Kat(break). :D

  19. “Brendon says that the worst case scenario if he goes home is that they’ll be married for the rest of their lives. Wow…things really are looking bleak.”

    HATER-ADE is on sale today eh?

  20. Meh, Matt just jealous of Brenchel because they got back on the show. You were a snore to watch Matt, and a pathetic liar to boot, so I hope writing nasty recaps give you a kick, I am sure Brittany and the other guy (the one that had a crush on you), love it, you were all such ugly haters!!

    • MC I don’t think it is necessary to attack Matt H. Remember this show is for our entertainment, as are his blogs. If you don’t like either then perhaps you should stop watching or reading the opinions of others. Just MY opinions of course. Have a great day.

    • I think you are just trying to stir things up bu putting down Matt H. really sounds like you are the hater to me!

      • I was thinking the same thing about that comment and those of WAYNE…Bitter!!! Party of One!!!!

    • A hater calling someone else haters…
      Hmm… Interesting.
      Get a life, bro, if you don’t like his opinions, don’t read them… What’s so hard to figure our about that?

      • Thanks for the love all you “non-haters”, but Matt is putting himself out there, and he seems to be fine dishing out Brenchel hate, so what goes around comes around. Why didn’t BB ask him back? He was a bore to watch, and he is purely jealous, won’t let go of his hate of BR.

      • Wow, really? Bashing Matt on his own page… bashing the show… you, sir, are a hypocrite. Whose the hater, again?

  21. I love the recap as usual Matt. Funniest lines ever and I really appreciated the picture and the Robin Hood analogy. Way too funny, I have to stop reading this at work.

    • Hey Kristina….where u been?…i lost u…been lookin for ya….i thought u left us….u never continued posting in the Forums, i guess u never got used to it, right….but continue posting here in the front end…i will see u, im always checking….see ya later…. :-)

      • Hi Buddy (HOH8) – no, I’ve been reading more than writing and I’ll get back on the forum, thank you for helping me understand that, I’ve been away from cyberspace for a time with my job is all. I’m honestly enjoying this season even though it seems there are a lot of critical comments on the sites. Who ever wrote the Haterade cracked me up and they were spot on! Just for fun, I think it would be amusing if America’s choice was Brendon to come back and wouldn’t it be funny if he has to take on his FIANCEE??? Maybe the dingo ate your FIANCEE.

  22. Brendon and Rachel remind me of Brittany and Kevin from Daria. They think they are smart and are total fools. Most of the people are pretty boring this season. It would have been a completely different show if Dick stayed…

  23. Yeah, so far this is the worst BigBro season because it’s only about two people. I pray to God the Brenchel Show ends tonight so BigBro Season 13 can finally start. The only thing I will miss w/Brendon gone will be the absolutely hilarious dialogue b’tween him and Rachel. Pro writers couldn’t write better comedy! :)

  24. Very funny recap, as usual, Matt. My guess is that production placed a big bowl of raw onions next to Rachel so she could actually produce real tears instead of her usual crocodile ones.

    • now you know everthing on BB is real! GOOD BY BRANDON. Maybe now we can get to know the rest of the house guest. Wait we still have Rachel and she whats her t.v. time or she’ll walk.

  25. You and RTV make this season bearable and this column has me hysterically laughing every week so thanks. My question though is if you truly think Rachel is having some kind of breakdown or is this just her usual bid for sympathy and camera time? My group is split on this issue. What say you?

    • Lol, yes, this recap and RTVZone is how I’ve been surviving this torture that is Brenchel…
      If Dick had stayed, Brenchel would have SHUT UP by now, and our ears wouldn’t be bleeding like a motherfucker. :D

  26. I can’t believe anyone would want brendon to stay over Jordan Rachel and Brendon are bullies and not loyal that’s why they didn’t go to the finals last time and their so against floaters and voted for the biggest floater of the game lane

  27. SERIOUSLY!! Can we just cancel this season and start all over again from scratch? although I love the returning house guests the newbies have no chance in getting to the end in all reality. Plus I’ve already seen the old house guests play I want to see a house full of new people new drama and new showmances…Where are the Hot Single guys? and for the men The Hot Single Girls? sheesh no eye candy this year either. Dominic and Cassi are both gone already geez

  28. You have to get one half of Brenchel out of the game when you have chance that chance doesn’t come around to often take advantage of it

    • I agree with you mike I’m sick of the ranchel and brendon show instead of big brother it’s suppose to be a reality show not a drama

  29. Totally agree with Mandi. People say how sick of Brenchel they are etc, well then why the hell, as Rachel put it, “did they invite [us] back?”

    And then why to the producers and editors show so much of Brenchel? I couldn’t believe how much they showed of them last night. Are the rest of the HG’s really not doing anything else? Based on the live feeds, Adam is the only other interesting one. Lawon, Kalia, JJ, Porsche, they all just sit around and talk about random stuff, drink, smoke, and sleep.

    Oh and Shelly is the biggest two faced HG Ive ever seen. She’s all talking to Brenchel and then make fun of them behind their backs. Stupid.

    Most of the people on this site commenting and former HG Matt are exactly the types Jeff was referring to when he said, “Who gives a F what people online comment about you?”

  30. Matt, I have a question for you. If big brother asked you to come back for another season, would you accept? I’m curious.

  31. Hey Matt, you are awesome!!! It’s refreshing to read honest and humorous recaps of these episodes. It’s almost as good as your sense of style! ;) ;)

    • I can only imagine the furor if that comment read “a white should definitely win.”

      Maybe you could pick a trait you admire that runs deeper than skin color for a favorite player.

  32. LMAO. Love that you are an equal opportunity insulter to all the HG this year. Great recap. You have them all down perfectly.

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