Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.
Another live eviction night on Big Brother. Exciting for drama, but not the best for writing about. Alas, I will do my best, but I will also use this entry to address as many reader comments as I can. So this is your chance to ask stuff below and get a reply from an actual 7th place loser…What an opportunity!
First off, let me say that I believe Julie Chen may be reading these write-ups and reacting to my criticism. Because this may be the first time I’ve ever seen her dressed like she wasn’t the butt of some inside joke in the wardrobe department. Also, (to the best of my recollection) not a single fluff question to the houseguests. Chenbot must’ve had her circuits replaced before the show went live.
After we recap the veto ceremony where Brendon left the nominations the same, Daniele says, “I don’t know what kind of crazy pills Brendon and Rachel took overnight, because they were on board to backdoor Jeff and Jordan”. Those “crazy pills” must’ve come from Dani’s suitcase because, as far as I can tell, Brenchel were never on board to backdoor Jeff and Jordan.
Any Daniele fans better hope that she’s a helluva fierce competitor, because her social grasp on the game has not been the keenest as of late. This point is hammered further home as she runs up to the HoH room to whine to Brenchel:
DANIELE: It’s not faiiiiir! I need a partner tooooooo! Wahhhhh!!!! I’m MAD!
Brendon, engrossed in his power trip and carefully setting the lid on his coffin to be nailed shut as soon as anyone outside of his 4-person alliance gets into power, could care less and gives Dani a timeout until she can play nice.
Throughout the day, rumors begin circulating around the house, and even the dimwits in the BB13 cast can see that the puzzle pieces aren’t all fitting into place. The clouds for a trademark Brenchel House Meeting™ are looming overhead. Jeff talks in circles to try to get to the bottom of it with Dominic, but the exchange is not unlike the classic Abbot and Costello sketch:
JEFF: Tell me what I want to hear.
DOMINIC: What do you want to hear?
JEFF: The truth.
DOMINIC: What’s the truth?
JEFF: You tell me.
DOMINIC: I told you.
JEFF: Who tried to backdoor me?
DOMINIC: No – Who’s on first!
Getting nowhere, the two of them go upstairs to bring Brendon into the discussion. This confuses things even more with analogies of murder, being an “accessory to backdooring”, and sinking ships. Dominic than uses the following stellar argument to try and save his ass:
DOMINIC: Why are you not going to pick the one guy who knows what’s going on and that is smart enough to defend himself, over the guy you know who can be manipulated easy?
Hmmmm, let’s see Dominic…should we keep the guy who is smart and will probably come back to kick our ass, or the guy that we can use as a puppet whenever we want. Tough choice! I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Dominic was not heavily involved in his high school’s debate team.
After the break, we meet Kalia. She’s the African American female that you may have seen occasionally in the background of “The Brenchel Show” this season. Kalia decides four weeks in that it’s time to check up on her alliance deal that she made with the vets in week one. Big Brother clearly went above and beyond to cast master strategists this season.
Kalia goes out in the back yard to confront BB12 Brendon’s doppelgänger “BB13 Brendon”. BB12 Brendon is a crying pussbag, but BB13 Brendon is full of gusto and confidence. So much so that he even comes off as quite cocky (no – not that kind of cocky). BB13 Brendon brags about studying rockets and orders women to do their dishes. In fact, the only commonality on BB13 Brendon to BB12 Brendon is the obnoxious overuse of the word “floater”.
Having no more of this back-talking nonsense, BB13 Brendon decides it’s time for a Brenchel House Meeting™. I am all too familiar with the Brenchel House Meetings™, and if this one goes anything like last year’s one, then I am thoroughly looking forward to seeing Brendon and Rachel get their asses handed to them on a silver platter. Strap in, kids!
As the confrontation boils, Lawon interrupts with “I’VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE!”. Your wardrobe, maybe? Kalia takes a line from my #1 New York Times bestseller “How To Hold Your Own In A Brenchel House Meeting™” when she says, “I’m not playing both sides!…I’m playing by MYSELF!”. Well said, Kalia. And it sounds like just as much B.S. as when I dished it out.
Rachel explains to Daniele the rules of friendship, everyone gets called an idiot, and nothing really ever gets resolved. This Brenchel House Meeting™ was a miss for me. But sequels are never as good as the original. The congregation ends with Lawon in the D.R. telling us “Y’all better watch out! I’m playing to win!” I find it awesome that the one D.R. clip that Lawon is not trying to be funny in, he’s absolutely hysterical.
It’s time for eviction speeches! Adam gives the classic speech of someone who knows they’re safe (“I’m happy to be here, I love you all, blah, blah, blah”), while Dominic gives the classic lunatic ramblings of someone who knows they’re out the door, full of vague metaphors that are supposed to make the rest of the houseguests think, but in reality will all be forgotten as soon as the front door slams shut.
Julie’s commentary as people walk in to vote is spot-on fantastic this week as usual. No one can build suspense for the blatantly obvious as well as Julie Chen. Kalia cries during her vote, presumably because she hasn’t eaten in hours. Shelly either blows a kiss or is dry-heaving – I can’t tell. And Porsche is full of energy and just excited to finally be called into the D.R.
No surprise, Dominic gets voted out. Then Julie conducts an exit interview with him that actually is not worthy of any snarky harassment by me. In Dominic’s goodbye messages we get to see that Lawon is just as irritating in his D.R. sessions as he is in his farewells. He obsessively screams to Dominic, “We are boys for life! YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME!”, and while the rest of the past evictees get moved to sequester, Dominic goes into witness protection. The goodbye messages round out with the ultra-competitive Jeff telling Dom, “My number one goal coming in here was to spend the summer with Jordan”. Thanks for wasting our time, Jeff – I’m sure that all of America is thrilled to watch your romantic summer vacation unfold on television. Next season Big Brother should just cast all newlywed honeymooners. And instead of taping on a house, it’ll be on a cruise ship. Oh, and no competitions…just snorkeling excursions.
FINALLY! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! Last week Julie Chen teased us with the information that this week “the game would change” and she’d drop another bomb on the houseguests. What’s it gonna be, Chenbot?! Are you bringing a houseguest back? Mixing up the pairs? It turns out that the big news is…the houseguests are all playing as individuals! OH MY GOD, THAT’S SO CRAZY! I CAN’T BELIE…wait…hey!…you already told us that on the first day! What a letdown.
We end the show with the season’s first true endurance competition. It’s a nearly exact copy of last year’s first endurance competition. With all the carbon-copy similarities in BB13 to BB12 (from the competitions to the powerhouse domination to the boring cast) I’m predicting that somehow Hayden will end up winning again. Either way, we end the night watching the hamsters rocking back and forth on skis while Brendon complains about his unfairly large feet over the credits rolling.
Find out who won HoH last night in the endurance competition.
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).
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