Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Live eviction episodes aren’t often extraordinarily exciting (from a “drama” standpoint), so I think I’m going to use this opportunity for my Big Brother 13 Episode 7 write-up to be a bit more subjective and opinionated. My apologies in advance to all of those who enjoy me simply spewing comical hate on every single person in the house (although I’m sure you’ll get a little of that too).

As with all live eviction episodes, this one leads in with the Chenbot (tonight, wearing her finest “business casual safari expedition” outfit) setting the stage for the next hour of Big Brother fun. We get the recap of this week’s HoH, Jordan (…or was it Rachel? – I forget), putting up Cassie and Shelly as replacement nominees. In the midst of wallowing for sympathy, Shelly tells us that she punishes her children by making them write sentences. It’s good to know that Shelly’s offspring are all either very well-behaved or completely illiterate.

Cassie ends up confronting Rachel to ask why Rachel (not Jordan, mind you) is sending her home this week. After the argument, Rachel runs upstairs to the HoH room and spews some fantastic ironies, hypocrisies, and delusions to Jordan. Some of my favorites, you ask?…

“Cassie has bad gameplay”
“Cassie is so manipulative”
“I didn’t do anything to Cassie”
“Cassie is the meanest fighter in the world”
“I’m not a villain”
“I don’t attack people”

Not only have I not made up or even exaggerated any of the lines above, but I should also note that the entire block of quotes above was gifted to us in a span of less than 60-seconds. Jordan promptly cuts Rachel off to play the voice of reason and let Rachel know that she comes off as bitchy. I’ve gotta say that I was never a fan of Season 11 Jordan, but I am a HUGE fan of Season 13 Jordan. If past players are going to be brought back into the game (and this goes for any game – Big Brother, Survivor, Amazing Race, etc), I want to see them play a completely different game than I’ve already seen – and Jordan is doing just that. Mad respect for her this time around, and I fully admit I was wrong in my pre-judgment of her this season.

On a related note, next up in the kitchen we see a new side of Brendon as well. Long gone are the days of “panty waste Brendon” talking about being a knight and crying on YouTube. We’ve stepped into a new era of “aggressive alpha-male Brendon” (complete with badass devil-horn sideburns) who stands up for himself and argues condescendingly with Cassie. I’ve always liked Brendon personally and outside of the confines of the Big Brother house, but he (much like myself) was pretty much a douche inside the house. I’m hoping he keeps showing his balls like this (figuratively, of course), because he could actually end up being a force to be reckoned with!

When we join the houseguests in the living room, Julie shows them a clip of the last Have Not competition and then asks Kalia how she’s doing after the “scary moment” she had. (seriously???) Kalia somehow manages to not get hurt while answering the question and tells Julie she’s fine. Then Julie fires off some more great questions:

JULIE: Adam – your partner Dominic won the veto and took you off the block. How grateful are you?

ADAM: BACON!

JULIE: Dominic – how did it feel to win the veto?

DOMINIC: You’re kidding, right?

JULIE: Nope. This is the best I’ve got.

Now we get to see our first block of “hometown video packages” for the season! First up is Adam – who I’m finding out that I have way too much in common with, and it kind of makes me scared. We both are heavily involved in music, we both were huge Big Brother superfans, we’ve both applied numerous times to be cast on the show, and now I learn that we are both ex-fatties:

Big Brother 13 Adam Poch and Big Brother 12 Matt Hoffman

Adam is 39, and I am 34. To avoid my seemingly inevitable transformation into a “heavy metal teddy bear”, I am swearing off bacon for at least the next five years.

Dominic’s package from home introduces us to his “best friend” Dana. I really like Dominic. He’s definitely my favorite newbie in the house (although that seems to change week to week). But the more that we hear about Dominic’s personal life, the more glaringly obvious it becomes that he is absolutely not a virgin by choice. Either way, I really hope that him and Dani go all the way. (to the final 2, I mean…get your head out of the gutter, perverts)

It’s time for the pre-vote speeches which are consistently the most useless 90-seconds of airtime each week. Cassie just says a bunch of nice stuff, while Shelly makes me remember why I should’ve never gone against my gut instinct to dislike her from the start. What was she even talking about? Ladders? Journeys? “It doesn’t matter who wins”?!? Ugh – go home, already!

Voting time, and we get to watch Cassie get picked off one-by-one. Kalia’s up to vote at the point that it’s already 7-0 and Julie throws the viewers for loop with, “Kalia voted with the veterans last week…will she continue to support their wishes?” Gosh, Julie, I don’t know! I mean, I thought I had it all figured out, but now….?

Shockingly, Kalia doesn’t cast a lone senseless vote to evict Shelly, and Cassie goes home in a 9-0 sweep. After five minutes of Cassie wandering around aimlessly, she finally manages to find the front door and walks out of the house. We are left to “eavesdrop on the houseguests” as they linger in the kitchen and wait for Cassie’s memory wall photo to gray-out. Well, that’s what most of the houseguests do. Not Rachel, though. She runs to the bathroom with her mic on and we get to hear all the splash-tastic action! Solid stream. I give it an 8/10.

Julie then conducts a super creepy exit interview that goes something like this:

JULIE: Do you think that you were evicted out of jealousy because you’re just so damn pretty?

CASSIE: [coy laughter]

JULIE: It sounds like a funny question, but I’m serious.

CASSIE: I wouldn’t think so, because I kicked around in sweats and no makeup the entire time.

JULIE: And you were still gorgeous!

CASSIE: [coy laughter]

JULIE: You complete me.

Finally, it’s off to the backyard to crown the new HoH! This one’s an “America’s Poll” game where the players have to decide who internet voters thought would get the most votes in certain situations and categories. Here’s what we can take away from it:

1) The majority of the population would rather have Jeff sucking their face than Brendon.
2) Adam can’t hold his bladder in a pool.
3) Porsche is a home-wrecking whore.
4) Brendon’s superhero fantasies could become a reality if your house was on fire.
5) People don’t like to see huge boobs in a bikini top.
6) Most of America would rather cheat off of Jordan on a test than Lawon
6a) Most of America would rather fail a test than pass it.
7) Adam will be institutionalized by week 5.

RACHEL WINS! I am astounded at Rachel’s performance as a competitor in the game of Big Brother. Outside of the very first “hot dog” competition in Season 12, she has never lost an HoH. Brenchel is going to tear through this house if someone doesn’t stop them, and it will be a well-deserved victory for them.

I’ve been wrong about a lot of stuff that I’ve said so far this season. Typical, as we’ve seen that I’m not the greatest player to ever grace the game of Big Brother. However I finally feel vindicated after watching this HoH competition. Let me offer up a big hearty “SUCK IT” to all of you jackasses who argued with me throughout the week that it would’ve been stupid for Jeff & Jordan to put up Brenchel as replacement nominees after the last veto competition. BIG mistake on JeJo’s part to squander the opportunity they had. I don’t know that Rachel or Brendon will win this game, but at this point I’m kind of hoping they do, if for no other reason than to teach all of this season (and future seasons) a lesson in strategy…strike when you get the chance, because second chances are never a guarantee!

(and yes – the irony is not lost on me that if I had followed my advice above, then I may have possibly won my season…live and learn)

We end the night as we end all live eviction shows…with Julie Chen prying deep into the psyche of the contestants:

JULIE: Rachel – what does it feel like to be the new HoH?

RACHEL: Horrible, Julie!

JULIE: Shelly – how does it feel to be safe?

SHELLY: It sucks, Julie!

JULIE: This is humiliating.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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