Big Brother 13 Episode 4: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

EVICTION NIGHT! Keith and Porsche are up on the block, and Keith’s delusion continues to keep me entertained. Keith is entirely 100% confident that he won’t be going home and says he’s “looking forward to resting and relaxing for the next two weeks”. Oh, you’ll be resting and relaxing for the next three months, buddy…right at home in front of your TV set.

Cassie shows her intelligence by outing Keith as the worst player ever, while upstairs we have the yin to Cassi’s yang with Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel trying to understand the basic grade-school mathematics that will allow them the numbers to own the votes.

At this point in the broadcast CBS gives us an extraordinarily annoying montage of the houseguests having a dance-off, starting a drum circle, and playing some game called “Big Booty”. But this all pales in comparison to what we’re ramping up towards. Buckle in and take your anti-nausea medication because we’re now set for the next 1/3 of the show to be an unwatchable Brenchel soap opera (complete with dramatic background music).

Here’s a high-level abridged version of ”The Bold and the Bookieful” so that I can just move ahead with the rest of this recap:

  • Brendon gets upset with Rachel for “making him look stupid”. Oh, did Rachel make you look stupid, Brendon?…DID SHE?
  • Rachel tries to reason with Brendon by telling him that he should relax because he has a “hot beautiful fiancé who is smart”. (I must’ve missed it on the live feeds when Brendon broke off his engagement to Rachel and proposed to Cassi)
  • Brendon gets all butt-hurt that Rachel told everyone about his fruity alter-ego “Bookie”, so then Rachel apologizes for “demasculineatizing” him. (Jeff better watch out if Big Brother does another one of those “grab-the-letters-and-spell-a-word” challenges like they did the last two seasons, because “demasculineatizing” has way more letters than “technotronics”)

Now that that’s over, we get back to the gameplay at hand. Cassi is undoubtedly the best newbie in the game. In fact, she may be the ONLY good newbie in the game. She wisely understands that even though keeping Keith in the house increases the chance of the girls’ underwear “mysteriously” going missing from their drawers, it is a much more strategic move to leave that buffoon in the house since he is 100% loyal to the newbies and Porsche is not. Cassi makes a run to try and plead her case to Kalia and Shelly with little success. Kalia is afraid to vote against the majority, and with Shelly asking when Tribal Council is and wondering if Porsche will get a rose this week, I’m not sure she even knows she’s playing “Big Brother”.

Julie finally pops on looking like she rolled around in Pepto Bismol and tells the houseguests that it’s time to vote. “But first…”, Evel Dick recorded a special message for the houseguests to try and vaguely explain his situation. On a scale of one to ten for “videos used to explain away controversy” (one being this and ten being this), I rate Dick’s video a solid seven. Following his video message, Julie really livens up everyone’s moods by bringing up deep-seeded family issues with Danielle and making her cry.

It’s time for the live vote! “But first…” we get to hear the nominees uselessly plead their cases as to why they should stay in the house. Keith’s speech is as horrible as his gameplay, and Porsche rambles on like she earned her Communications degree from “Miss South Carolina University”. As the votes roll on, we get to listen to my favorite part of each week…Julie trying to make votes that are super obvious seem like they may go the opposite way (“Brendon’s vagina is firmly adhered to Rachel’s side at all times, and Rachel wants Keith to go home…but will Brendon decide to go against Rachel and vote to evict Porsche?”).

Keith ends up going home (no surprise, but an entirely poor game move on the part of the weak-minded newbies), and then we get to hear Julie do a fantastic job of reminding Keith over and over and over again that he is a complete and utter fool.

JULIE: You were a cocky ass from the moment you walked through the front door. How shocked are you that you’re going home?

KEITH: Very shocked, Julie. I didn’t know people lied in Big Brother.

JULIE: What’s going through your head right now?

KEITH: I wish I would’ve played the game differently.

JULIE: How so?

KEITH: Like, I wish I would’ve found a better hiding spot behind the dresser in the girls’ bedroom so I could’ve watched them undress.

JULIE: I’d like to remind you that you threw the veto competition, which is the worst move anyone could ever make in the game of Big Brother.

KEITH: Yes, I know, but…

JULIE: …And you trusted everyone that was out to get you. Did I mention that you are quite possibly the most disgraceful strategist this show has ever cast?

KEITH: What can I say?…I’m the Black Matt Hoffman. All day, baby!

Then they play some goodbye videos from the remaining houseguests where they, too, continue to beat Keith over the head with reasons why he is an embarrassment to the game, and Rachel calls her duo “Hurricane Brenchel” (which is either a reference to their superior competitive skills, or a new strain of STD).

Moving on to this week’s HoH battle, there is a miniature-golf type of game set up in the backyard. Per the CBS Big Brother handbook, Jordan must contractually win every golf-related competition on the merit of someone else forfeiting it to her. With the veterans in power once again, the newbies know they’re about to be picked off, and we get to end the night with the hard-hitting, unanswerable questions that only the Chenbot could whip up:

  • “Jordan – how does it feel to win your first HoH?”
  • “Porsche – how does it feel to have that Golden Key around your neck?”
  • “Shelly – how hard is it to be away from your daughter?”

Rock solid journalism, J.C. Move over, Diane Sawyer.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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91 Comments

  1. Hilarious. I loved you in your season btw and when you called Brendon a “big dummy” when you used the veto you possibly became my favorite player ever. Looking foward to more hilarious articles like this.

      • You write the most entertaining blogs ever. Loved you in BB12 but was so disappointed that you didn’t catch on to the Bragade wanted you out. Keep up the great writing.

  2. I had to laugh silently out load at my desk reading this!

    LUV LUV LUV that you are on my FAV site! Thanks for chimn’ in!

  3. Nailed it! Excellent work Matt. Especially about Julie. Relentless and so true. Looking forward to more. :)

  4. I am so glad he’s gone. I never liked him anyways. I’m hoping that Lawon is gone next.. But anyways, great article as usual Matt. I’m glad you decided to write these articles.

    • Nah. It’s gonna be Cassi next. The Vets will give Shelly a Golden Key b/c she’s on their side. I know Kalia is too, but Cassi is stronger than Lawon, so she will go first.

  5. good recap Matt. thanks for taking time for us much appreciated. sorry some people just don’t get it but i know that it probably doesn’t bother you. lol

  6. Matt, I do enjoy reading your articles, but this one was showing you being way to bitter about it seems everything!

  7. “Julie finally pops on looking like she rolled around in Pepto Bismol” too funny.LMAO.

    Matt, Keith is no black Matt Hoffman..he is a bafoon and a waste of BB space. Glad he is gone, but now the newbies are in deep shirt. hope they pull it together cuz I cant stand the vets except for Dani.

  8. Love your ramblings, Matt, looking forward to reading more.

    I feel embarrassed for Brenchel – I can’t imagine why anyone would want to air all that lovey-goo stuff on national TV.

    Are we ever going to know what personal emergency wrestled Dick from the loving arms of BB? It sounds as if every possible emergency has been brought up and discarded. Maybe it’s something to do with his girlfriend’s family.

    I felt bad for Danielle being put on the spot like that by Chenbot but not too bad. She won’t get to ride on Dick’s coat-tails this season but she may still find a newbie who wants to get his heart broken. That would be entertaining to watch. And, speaking of Danielle, is their anyone else out there who is having a difficult time getting used to her brunette tresses?

    • hi char. her hair doesnt bother me. i hate dick left but at the same time i’d actually like to see if dani has any game of her. really like her this time around and think she is a very smart lady. im just ready for some action and a little less ass kissing
      from everyone

      • YES! I mentioned that in the beginning. I prefer her as a blonde, but it’s wearing on me! I’m liking the hats!

      • I would have liked to see her switch her vote and get in with the newbies but it maybe too late since there are three switch-outs already.

        Including the one who iniciated the whole stick together cheer before the vets came in…. what was that TRAITOR’s name???? OH Shelly! haha

      • He has stated numerous times that is is a matter that involves a close friend and it is NOT his (meaning Dicks) place to make the details public. All I can say is I wish I had a friend that loyal to me. How can you not respect that integrity?

  9. i can’t believe it i called who won hoh! i’mglad because i would like to see a little bit more of the vets. i seems to be that they say karma comes back to bite you and that’s just what happened for keith he got too paranoid and too cocky. i liked him at the beginning but when he was cheering after rachel announced that dick had to leave all my liking for him deminished. hooray for jordan!

  10. Matt is totally missing Shelly’s gameplay.

    Shelly has the newbies fooled ESPECIALLY Cassie, the one Matt thinks is so smart.

    • I totally agree. ShellyThatCan’tSpell is playing the newbies like a fine fiddle and Cassi is stupider than I thought. She’s pointing the finger at poor Adam and accusing him of flipping and doesn’t even suspect Shelly. Dumb, dumb, dumb…

  11. Matt, I love your recaps and commentary. I only wish we got to see this side of you last year instead of knowing you only as the cocky guy who lied about his sick wife.

    And I agree with the comment above that Keith is no black Matt Hoffman. Even Brendon would have called this guy a big dummy. And he was as articulate as Bubba from Forrest Gump and as delusional as Heidi Montag.

  12. Matt. is. amazing.
    These articles are making me like BB again (even though they didn’t choose matt and his sick wife to be a power couple in BB13)

  13. Nice article Matt, but don’t you ever, EVER, insult Chenbot again! I don’t care if she looked like pepto bismol!

    • I used to like and respect Julie but not after the way she threw Dani under the bus last night. That was so unfair.

      • Shelley, you are sooo right! The Chenbot should never have backed Dani into a corner regarding her dad. Hey, Evel is her biological dad and they have a very fragile relationship. Shame on the Chenbot.

    • I agree Josie…Matt you sound a little jealous!!! And you think Cassie is the best newbie??? What game are you watching Matt??? She doesn’t even realize her own partner is playing her.

      • I can only guess he’s blind to it, just like he was in his season against the brigade.

    • on bb after dark she is wearing the same outfit as last yr. ok her hubby is mr cbs she cant afford a new outfit? just saying…

  14. where oh where can jeff,ash, bg, lav, cat, even summer be? oh where oh where can they be? bet summer is spitting mad that jj are back IN THE HOUSE haha

    • Hey there my coffee buddy Nanny. How are you. I know you are a J&J fan and that OK cuz it would be so boring if we all like the same HGs.lol

      Not crazy about Rachel, but she needs to get rid of that controlling Neanderthal of a fiancé..I kinda feel sorry for her. Why is he trying to change her into something she is no?

      • Good article Matt, I think it was pretty funny – except in the defense of Julie – they probably can’t let her ask too much without giving away game play just as they limit Jeff on Survivor. Anyhow – hey BG– as we were saying yesterday, we are almost liking Rachel this year sans Brendon, he is acting like a total jerk.

      • The man fell in love with someone who dresses and acts like a street corner $20.00 you know what and is surprised when she acts up.

      • Hey Kristina, I like Julie Chen too but the pepto bismol line was too funny. And I agree that Rachel is a bit more tolerable this time.

      • Yes the PB comment was hilarious, I’ve liked Matt’s writing a lot, it is funny! I just think on the part he was saying about her dumb questions and comments is all. She probably has to be careful what she reveals. I wasn’t even paying attention to what she was wearing too funny! I’ll have to notice on Sunday or next week just to see what comments he’ll come up with. Now that makes for funny reading! I’m still liking J & J and Dani, I like Kahlia and Cassie too on the newbie side – none of those new guys are doing anything for me this year.

  15. anyone know who they think jeff and jordan are going to nominate??? has anyone herd what they are thinking yet?? just wondering :) ty!

  16. Haven’t heard but wouldn’t surprise me if she nom. Dom and Adam.I was so hoping one of the newbees would win hoh and nom. Rachel and Brendom but I think cbs wouldn’t like that to happen.

  17. How jealous is Matt Hoffman of Rachel and Brendon? Or in fact, how jealous is he of EVERY vet that has returned? Is it cause YOU weren’t called back, you disgusting, lying sicko? In fact, I think lying about your wife DYING was one of the sickest lies I have ever heard. Are you still angry at the fact that EVERYONE played you right back? You know what, I need to say no more, we both know where liars like you end up in the after life.

      • Is it your life mission to tell people right from wrong? EVERYONE knows the lie was wrong (even Matt). There are no rules in BB against lying to a bunch of strangers about your personal life. You wishing ill will toward Matt is no worse than his lie. Hypocrite

    • I’m sorry, I do not understand. everything matty wrote was exactly what i was thinking – even down to the fact that chenbot had NOTE CARDS THE SAME PINK COLOR AS HER CREEPY OUTFIT. And, I am not jealous of anyone. Being a smart ass and being A-NNOYED by that ridiculous thing called brenchel is just what at least half the viewership of BB sees and feels. Matt just puts it into colorful, funny articles. HILARIOUS.
      But, that shelly is a major traitor. there is game, there is lying, there is switching sides. But, she is a straight up traitor and what she is doing is treason. beyond my limits. seriously. beyond.

    • Uhhh, calm down. He never said his wife was DYING. He said she had a rare disease. I think my favorite part of this though is that you say that “I need to say no more”, yet you keep commenting about the issue. Awesome.

      And furthermore, Matt rips on everyone equally; I don’t take it as jealousy at all. I think it’s funny your panties are still in a bunch over a year later about something that didn’t even directly effect you. I’m surprised you took a break from your pearl clutching to come read this blog and then continue to comment on it. You’re my favorite.

  18. Would love to see either Rachel or Brandon leave next but obviously that is not going to happen. Same crap as last year. She whines, he suck holes and then we have the Brendon and RAchel porn show.Rachel is again playing like she did last year and eventually the veterans will get sick of her

    Don’t much like Dani’s hair color. Liked her better as a blonde. Felt sorry for her when Julie put her on the spot but again I agree with Nanny and would like to see if she can play on her own with her dad.

    Would have loved for Dick to stay. He would have brought some excitement into the house. I would have liked to seen him and Danielle team up with Adam as both him and Dick are obnoxious and they would have caused chaos in the BB house.

    I agree with your commments Grammy 6. You can take a $20.00 street walker off the street but you can’t change the way they act or dress. Once a $20.00 streetwalker always a $20.00 streetwalker.

    • I am entitled to my own opinion. And my opinion is that I hate Matt. You are the one who attacked my comment. I did not wish his wife ill, I said I sure hope it doesn’t happen! It seemed as if Matt didn’t care last season, but maybe he changed! I still hate him!

      • I apologize for this reply, as it is in the wrong spot. I was on my iPod and it messed up. I will post it in the right reply now.

  19. K35, if you didn’t care for matt’s opinion why would you even read his blog. If you hate liars then you must hate BB. Go back to your “Toddlers & Tiaras” blog.

  20. HA HA…loved your recap Matt, and voted for you in BB 12, thought you were pretty smart. Anyways, don’t be so hard on my girl, Shelly ;) we Louisiana people stick together, but in my defense I live in New Orleans, not in Baton Rouge, not that there is anything wrong with Baton Rouge, but they are a lot more country, well Prairieville is..sorry Matt but I would like to see the Veterans get to the final 10, when the split happens, only because I think then there will be real game play going on. I don’t much care for Dom, some say he has a crush on Cassie I think he has a crush on Lawon, they looked cozy in the hammock together. I had never heard of RTVZone until now, but last year I wasn’t on the message boards, trying to earn my degree finally it will only take me another 8 years, I will still be under 50 lol..

  21. K35, if you don’t like matt or his opinions why would you read his blog? And if you hate liars you are definitely watching the wrong show. Go back to your Toddler’s and Tiaras” blog

    • I am entitled to my own opinion. And my opinion is that I hate Matt. You are the one who attacked my comment. I did not wish his wife ill, I said I sure hope it doesn’t happen! It seemed as if Matt didn’t care last season, but maybe he changed! I still hate him!

  22. I had to add Danielle. I was sorry to see ED leave, and thought his video was respectful, both the one on RTVZone and BB. The veterans think Danielle is doing great keeping the newbies in check..She is really working on everyone, and honestly she keeps it up she may win this season

  23. You perfectly said what I was thinking,”an unwatchable Brenchel soap opera”. They make the drama of high school look intelligent.
    I have a question I would REALLY like to hear your opinion on:
    Do you not think the earlier BB were alot better than now? It appears to me from watching the feeds, that ALL the people cast are want to be actor/actress’/models?? These people are pretty shallow. If all the drama/interest they can drum up is Brenchel, then just shot me. In my opinion it is nowhere as good as in years past.
    Your thoughts?

    • Agree. In the first few seasons these were normal people who went back to their jobs afterwards. Everyone wants to b a star now days

    • I agree also, it seems they search out for people that want to further their careers by being on the show, with the exceptions of Adam and Shelly. Then again, I never thought Matt would leave his teaching job to go to Hollywood. I think they seek out and look for the beautiful people.

  24. haha! I don’t usually comment on Matt’s recaps, but this one was especially funny :)

  25. Matt,
    Great and hilarious commentary man. I hide no idea you had writing skills! I can’t say I agree with everything you posted, but I can say I enjoyed reading your opinions. They are entertaining and I look forward to the column. What I would love to know is this…
    What would you do to save yourself if you were Cassie this week? She may not know that her partner is flipped, but she must know that she is the target. Just wondering how you would try to flip the script?

    Rodney

  26. Matt,
    Seriously I am enjoying your hilarious comments and posts more than the show.
    I can’t wait to read your column every day!
    I’m laughing so hard the face hurts!!

  27. Matt is right, Cassi is a smart player, it’s not her fault there are people in the house who only want to be friends with the Vets and not actually play BB. Even Shelly told Jordan last night on the live feeds that she wants JJ to go all the way and get everything they want. She is clueless. Of the newbies Dom is the smartest and most entertaining (especally on the live feeds), he’s probably the vets biggest threat right now but due to his charm I don’t see him going anywhere for a while. When the final 10 hit I think He, Danielle and the left over from JJ will be teaming up with some of the leftover newbies to take out Brenchel.

  28. I hope the next one to go is Kaila, dislike her , she thinks shes all there,but last night the J’s said Dom and Adam .

  29. Hurricane Brenchel being a new strain of STD… my God I nearly cried I laughed so hard at that one. Keep em coming Matt.

  30. Matt this is a real laugh out loud review. Full disclosure I hated you in your season since you let the three lazy trolls backstab u and you didn’t put up a fight even after u tossed your one friend in Ragan to the curb. Also using slothy for dpov was mega stupid.

    Where was I this blog rocks and you are incredibly witty

  31. Hey Matt,

    Who are your favorites this season? Reading your articles (which do have some really funny moments), I’ve found you to be very cynical of the housemates. Is this intentional or do you really just hate everyone?

  32. Great recap, Matt, and great writing as usual.

    The accuracy of your remarks is a bit off because of the fact that you’re not watching live feeds (Cassi is actually pretty dumb), but who cares. Good job.

  33. Matt I love your blogs their are so funny.The only question I have is it seems you still hold some resentment to Brenchel. Look I get it they do get on your nerves but just wondering if that is all it is or do you still have resentment towards them. Sorry for any miss spells.

  34. matt sometimes your comments are good but lets lay off brenchel they are the only ones playing lets not forget rachel has still not lost a hoh comp yet brenchel can get on peoples nerves but i dont think it would be a season without them considering they were having six old hgs back lets not forget you threw your hoh and used the diamond power of veto on kathy, wasnt that a big dummy move?if you were the man wouldnt it of been smart to team up with brendon since rachel was gone you two could of beat anyone in the house as a team didnt you pick keith to win? and isnt it nice not having a emotional crybaby like ragn on the show we are having a nice season now without him ;this is evil genius signing out lol

  35. I don’t know if you’re being serious or not, Matt, but by repeatedly dubbing Cassi as the only smart newbie you’ve shown me that you haven’t learned from the mistakes that cost you BB12. Being the dominant force in an opposing alliance does not make for good gameplay. She’s not seen as a comp threat, the best move would’ve been to let the newbies crumble and attempt to pick up the pieces after the inevitable Brenchel/Jordeff fallout (can you think of two couples who are MORE dissimilar?), and Daniele’s an extremely rational player who you can work with as well. In that sense, Shelly and perhaps Kalia are playing the best game, given that they’re consciously employing good strategy (in contrast to say, Jordan BB11).

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