Big Brother 13 Episode 4: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman| July 15, 2011 at 9:00 AM EST
EVICTION NIGHT! Keith and Porsche are up on the block, and Keith’s delusion continues to keep me entertained. Keith is entirely 100% confident that he won’t be going home and says he’s “looking forward to resting and relaxing for the next two weeks”. Oh, you’ll be resting and relaxing for the next three months, buddy…right at home in front of your TV set.
Cassie shows her intelligence by outing Keith as the worst player ever, while upstairs we have the yin to Cassi’s yang with Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel trying to understand the basic grade-school mathematics that will allow them the numbers to own the votes.
At this point in the broadcast CBS gives us an extraordinarily annoying montage of the houseguests having a dance-off, starting a drum circle, and playing some game called “Big Booty”. But this all pales in comparison to what we’re ramping up towards. Buckle in and take your anti-nausea medication because we’re now set for the next 1/3 of the show to be an unwatchable Brenchel soap opera (complete with dramatic background music).
Here’s a high-level abridged version of ”The Bold and the Bookieful” so that I can just move ahead with the rest of this recap:
- Brendon gets upset with Rachel for “making him look stupid”. Oh, did Rachel make you look stupid, Brendon?…DID SHE?
- Rachel tries to reason with Brendon by telling him that he should relax because he has a “hot beautiful fiancé who is smart”. (I must’ve missed it on the live feeds when Brendon broke off his engagement to Rachel and proposed to Cassi)
- Brendon gets all butt-hurt that Rachel told everyone about his fruity alter-ego “Bookie”, so then Rachel apologizes for “demasculineatizing” him. (Jeff better watch out if Big Brother does another one of those “grab-the-letters-and-spell-a-word” challenges like they did the last two seasons, because “demasculineatizing” has way more letters than “technotronics”)
Now that that’s over, we get back to the gameplay at hand. Cassi is undoubtedly the best newbie in the game. In fact, she may be the ONLY good newbie in the game. She wisely understands that even though keeping Keith in the house increases the chance of the girls’ underwear “mysteriously” going missing from their drawers, it is a much more strategic move to leave that buffoon in the house since he is 100% loyal to the newbies and Porsche is not. Cassi makes a run to try and plead her case to Kalia and Shelly with little success. Kalia is afraid to vote against the majority, and with Shelly asking when Tribal Council is and wondering if Porsche will get a rose this week, I’m not sure she even knows she’s playing “Big Brother”.
Julie finally pops on looking like she rolled around in Pepto Bismol and tells the houseguests that it’s time to vote. “But first…”, Evel Dick recorded a special message for the houseguests to try and vaguely explain his situation. On a scale of one to ten for “videos used to explain away controversy” (one being this and ten being this), I rate Dick’s video a solid seven. Following his video message, Julie really livens up everyone’s moods by bringing up deep-seeded family issues with Danielle and making her cry.
It’s time for the live vote! “But first…” we get to hear the nominees uselessly plead their cases as to why they should stay in the house. Keith’s speech is as horrible as his gameplay, and Porsche rambles on like she earned her Communications degree from “Miss South Carolina University”. As the votes roll on, we get to listen to my favorite part of each week…Julie trying to make votes that are super obvious seem like they may go the opposite way (“Brendon’s vagina is firmly adhered to Rachel’s side at all times, and Rachel wants Keith to go home…but will Brendon decide to go against Rachel and vote to evict Porsche?”).
Keith ends up going home (no surprise, but an entirely poor game move on the part of the weak-minded newbies), and then we get to hear Julie do a fantastic job of reminding Keith over and over and over again that he is a complete and utter fool.
JULIE: You were a cocky ass from the moment you walked through the front door. How shocked are you that you’re going home?
KEITH: Very shocked, Julie. I didn’t know people lied in Big Brother.
JULIE: What’s going through your head right now?
KEITH: I wish I would’ve played the game differently.
JULIE: How so?
KEITH: Like, I wish I would’ve found a better hiding spot behind the dresser in the girls’ bedroom so I could’ve watched them undress.
JULIE: I’d like to remind you that you threw the veto competition, which is the worst move anyone could ever make in the game of Big Brother.
KEITH: Yes, I know, but…
JULIE: …And you trusted everyone that was out to get you. Did I mention that you are quite possibly the most disgraceful strategist this show has ever cast?
KEITH: What can I say?…I’m the Black Matt Hoffman. All day, baby!
Then they play some goodbye videos from the remaining houseguests where they, too, continue to beat Keith over the head with reasons why he is an embarrassment to the game, and Rachel calls her duo “Hurricane Brenchel” (which is either a reference to their superior competitive skills, or a new strain of STD).
Moving on to this week’s HoH battle, there is a miniature-golf type of game set up in the backyard. Per the CBS Big Brother handbook, Jordan must contractually win every golf-related competition on the merit of someone else forfeiting it to her. With the veterans in power once again, the newbies know they’re about to be picked off, and we get to end the night with the hard-hitting, unanswerable questions that only the Chenbot could whip up:
- “Jordan – how does it feel to win your first HoH?”
- “Porsche – how does it feel to have that Golden Key around your neck?”
- “Shelly – how hard is it to be away from your daughter?”
Rock solid journalism, J.C. Move over, Diane Sawyer.
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).