Big Brother 13 Episode 21: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Kicking things off is a recap of Jeff’s nominations – Porsche and Kalia. Looks like Porsche may get a glimmer of camera time this week! Exciting for her, but on the other end of the spectrum with Rachel not in power, not nominated, and away from her vile other half, she should be going through some major “attention withdrawl”.

Kalia defends herself in the diary room by saying that Porsche should be booted because she doesn’t do anything except host competitions, whereas Kalia is here to “bust her butt”. So far all I’ve seen Kalia doing is expanding her butt, however I’m not a live feed viewer, so what do I know? Daniele gives the “That’s What She Said” quote of the night with, “There’s always the question – what if [Jeff] backdoors me?”

After nominations, Daniele makes the mistake of trying to talk game with Kalia in the kitchen. Bad move, Dani. Way too many distractions in that room:

DANI: How does it feel?

KALIA: [barely comprehensible through a mouthful of every allowable have-not food mixed together in a bowl] Being on the block?

DANI: Yeah.

KALIA: Meh. [gobble, gobble, gobble]

DANI: I’m the last one who hasn’t been on the block yet.

KALIA: [chomp, chomp] Mmm.

DANI: Are you listening to anything I’m saying?

KALIA: I’M GONNA EAT YOU!

Meanwhile out in the back yard an equally riveting conversation is going on…If you’re riveted by ass-kissing and egocentrism, that is:

ADAM: I thought you were going to nominate Daniele?

JEFF: I know what’s up. I’m good. Don’t look me in the eyes. I am the Great And Powerful Jeff!

ADAM: You make a good point, Jeff.

JEFF: Who asked you, monkey? There was a lot more I wanted to say in my speech, but I was worried that all of the awesomeness would shoot out of my body like lightning bolts and hurt someone.

ADAM: Sometimes you say more by saying less, oh Great One.

JEFF: I like that. But you still are dirt to me.

ADAM: You showed me how to be classy in this game.

JEFF: Keep studying, young one, and some day you too may be a homophobic misogynist like Big Jeff.

ADAM: If I win veto, I would let you tell me what you think I should do with it, Master.

JEFF: Rightfully so. Now fetch me some technotronics!

[SIDEBAR: It should be noted that both the humor and repulsion in the above dialog comes from the fact that almost none of it was made up by me for comedic value, and actually went down exactly as dictated]

More idiotic conversation continues in the kitchen later on when Rachel feigns concern for Daniele’s glum mood. When Dani says she’s fine, Rachel shows that she’s as much of a therapist as she is a chemist by hypothesizing that Dani’s sorrows stem from her turning 25 years old this week. After giving sage advice about how “25 is the beginning of life”, Rachel tries to empathize with Daniele by telling her, “One time when I turned 25, I was really depressed too.” Daniele does her best to ignore Rachel, so unfortunately we don’t get to hear about all the other happier times that Rachel turned 25. After another round of incessant antagonizing, Dani has had enough and she walks outside. Rachel tries to put on a fake smile as Daniele leaves for the backyard, but it ends up looking like she just smelled a fart. As soon as Dani’s outside, Rachel shakes her head and does her patented Rachel Pout™, except that she stares directly into the camera that isn’t filming her. This actually makes it even more looney-tunes than it would’ve been if she had pulled it off as-planned. Poor attention-starved Rachel. No cameras want to play with you this week.

Time to draw names for the veto competition! Because of Daniele’s veto ticket, seven people will play, and only one person will be sitting out this week. And after the names are drawn, that person is…RACHEL! Hahaha! I love it! Taking camera time away from Rachel is like depriving a person with diabetes of their insulin. She gets feverish, near comatose, and (in extreme cases) could end up dying. This is a risk we’ll have to take this week, however. Hang in there, Rachel! You’ll do something batshit crazy enough to get you back on screen in no time, I’m sure!

After a week of dressing exactly like she appears in all of our heads, Jordan is finally allowed to remove the “humilitard”. This process takes place over the course of one of the most awkward and sexless stripteases I have ever witnessed. The whole debacle culminates in Jeff getting the stinky sweaty unitard portion of it thrown at his face, which is enough to get him all hot-and-bothered for Jordan, so they retreat to the HoH room to do whatever uncomfortable cuddling ritual couples do when they treat each other like football buddies instead of romantic partners. Unfortunately, their scandalous rendezvous is interrupted with a discussion on the correct pronunciation of the word “mischievous”. After 10 minutes neither of them can figure it out, and since there’s no third graders in the room to help them, they just decide to go to sleep.

Big Brother 13 episode 21

Leading up to the veto competition, Kalia tells Daniele that she has a hunch the competition will be something that they are good at. If Kalia is right, then we’re in for the annual veto competition where you complain into a bucket, eat as much out of it as you can, and then sleep the longest. Truly regretfully, Miss Kalio read her tarot cards wrong, because we’re left with much worse…

Big Brother 13 episode 21

…ZINGBOT!

My least favorite part of last season is back (okay, after Brenchel…and after the Brigade…and I guess not as bad as the Saboteur twist…come to think of it, maybe this was my favorite part of last season), and it hasn’t gained any more wit in the last 12 months. Zingbot unleashes with mediocre “zings” about Jeff’s boyish facial hair, Porsche’s ever-growing ass, Dani’s family drama, Adam’s generally disturbing appearance, Shelly’s scrotum, Kalia’s uselessness, Jordan’s destiny of eternal loneliness, and Rachel’s limited vocabulary. Rachel uses her zing as an opportunity to once again throw out one of her tiresome “No ____ gets between me and MY man” catchphrases that stopped being funny somewhere around episode 3 of last season.

The veto competition is basically to put pieces onto the shell of a robot in the fastest time possible. That’s it. We know that we’re not missing some hidden complexity because they choose Jordan’s soundbyte to describe the rules. Adam tells us that he’s “not going to try and win”, and Shelly says that she “absolutely does not want to win the veto today”. As if either of them had any other options. Since everyone playing in the competition is pretty much terrible at everything they do, Jeff pulls out an easy win. The veto he gets is connected to a huge gold chain, which we all know is obviously symbolic of Jeff’s god-like stature in the house. Or he’s a rapper. One of the two.

With Jeff having all the power, Porsche, Kalia, and Dani are scrambling. Kalia settles comfortably into her world of delusion as she tells Shelly that she is “busting her ass” and that “people are afraid” of her and, thus, want to take her out. Yeah, Kalia – all of those power naps really strike fear into the hearts of your competition. Nevertheless, she tries to make a plea to Jeff about how she has “gotten her hands dirty”, and that’s why she should stay. She must have been referring to her bold HoH move of getting a major threat like Lawon out of the house after he petitioned for himself to leave, right?…epic maneuver. Porsche also tries to make a deal with Jeff, but he (like the rest of us) doesn’t remember who she is, so he writes her off. Daniele’s the last one to try to hit up Jeff:

JEFF: I’m a little nervous about if I kept you around. What would I be offered?

DANI: Well, like…whatever…like, 100% safe…like, ummm…definitely, whatever…I swear…like, 100%…no, definitely I swear…like, whatever.

JEFF: Even after dating Jordan for two years, I have absolutely no idea what you just said to me.

Before Jeff knows it, the veto ceremony is upon him. Porsche is first to plead her case, but she just ends up re-hashing the rules of Big Brother and complimenting Jeff:

PORSCHE: I would like you to use the veto on me so I can get off the block and keep playing and compete in this game, and I like your hair.

[SIDEBAR: I really REALLY wish I was making that up, but it was 100% transcribed authentically as aired]

Kalia also takes this opportunity to waste our time explaining how Big Brother works:

KALIA: In this game you are responsible for yourself, and the only way you keep yourself safe is you win the veto. And I didn’t do that – you did.

[SIDEBAR: Again – TOTALLY not modified at all. These people are just THAT dense.]

Kalia gets confused at the end of her speech and thinks that she has to convince herself to use the veto, so she says that if she stays in the house “there is the chance to have a lot more red velvet cake.”

Jeff ends up using the power of veto to take Porsche off the block and put Daniele up in her place. With the confidence bestowed upon him from his gold-chain thug veto, he punctuates his replacement nomination with a hard-ass cocky speech about regret and Julie Chen. Just as the episode is about to end, Rachel makes one more desperate grasp for camera time the only way she knows how…with a new modification of her stupid catchphrase – “Nobody comes between me and MY alliance!”. Ugh.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

Commenting Rules: Keep the conversation civil and on topic. If your comment does not add to the conversation, it will be removed. Debate intelligently. Insulting the author, Big Brother Network, or other commentators will result in comment removal and possible ban. Any comments with links or flagged words will go into moderation before approval. Anything we deem as spam will not be approved. Comments left in ALL-CAPS will be deleted regardless of content.

88 Comments

  1. if Dani goes home tonight im no longer watching big brother but i hope Jeff or Rachel goes home next it’s gonna get lame if dani goes home the show wont be fun any more and the vets will just get out the floaters Adam needs to vote how he wants to stop listening to Jeff he’s gonna flip on you next Jordan hasn’t done nothing this season she needs to go and why hasn’t nobody evicted Jeff he has $15,000 in his pocket i wish Dick would have came back btw im in SC and BB doesn’t come on until 10 cause of the pathners game who cares about that game

      • Jeff is NOT a jerk!! He’s playing the game!! I HOPE Dani goes home…she’s not as smart as she thought.

      • send Jeff to the jury house Dani is a good game player hopefully she stays i dobt blame you if the she goes im not watching the show either

      • you haven’t heard, Dani isn’t going anywhere bc production doesn’t want her to, also I guess you haven’t heard that Dani has already won BB13 bc production wants her to. Why are we watching? This used to be a good show!Way to go production!!!

      • Rukia,
        You can watch re-runs of the Office. Not watching because the game does not go your way? How childish.Daniele is a rude crude self-rightgous twit. She uses people and splits them out when she is done.?Good bye Dani and Rukia

    • I am soooooo hoping that nasty Dani goes home. Did you sees the look to kill she gave Jeff when he nominated her for eviction? It was all o.k. when she was in power and going after Brendon and Rachel and talking about wanting to back door Jeff. She had no intention of ever ever being good on anything she said to Jeff yet she screams he lied to her and broke their deal? I just can’t understand why any of them don’t expect retribution when they go after someone??? Dani acts like she thought she was insulated from anything she did before??? I am sure it is still always a shock because until it happens that you are on the block there is always the hope that you won’t be picked for eviction. But, Dani should know she is target and not act so nasty toward everyone when she accused Rachel of doing the same thing. I hope I never have to see Dani in that house after tonight. Please Adam vote to evict Dani.

      • I’d give him that look too if he gave me that speech after promising not to backdoor me. Sorry, but Jeff isn’t perfect either.

      • @matt is it really true that production is going to keep dani I really hope not if she stays it has to be then doing it cuz everyone was pretty well set in sending her to jury

    • Rukia, Tonight, Judas will be gone like a cool breeze. She is the most over rated BB player of all time. She was a joke this season and anyone who says she wasn’t is in denial. BYE BYE JUDAS! SAY HELLO TO BOOKIE FOR US!

      • So glad Judas is leaving tonight – and really glad we did not have to watch her father all season too! Can’t wait to see her on her way out tonight – way to go Jeff! Hopefully Jordan will pull the HOH tonight. Please!!!!

    • Matt (BBN), as moderator of this forum, I would suggest that any poster who starts out a sentence with: “If such and such happens I’m no longer watching Big Brother…” be banned.

      Okay, that’s a little extreme and lame — just thought I’d stick to the theme here.

      But seriously, those of you who threaten to stop watching Big Brother thinking that CBS and BB producers actually give a rats a**, are as delusional as Porsche thinking she can count to three without using her fingers.

      So, Matt, if you don’t do something about these posters who make idle threats, I swear, I’m never posting on here again.

      Okay, not really.

      But you get my point. Just sayin’.

    • No Dani is so overrateted! I mean the zingbot was right on the money about her! I love Jeff and Jordan and get super pissed when people say they don’t do anything because they do! They win competitions and have a good socail game! If you havent noticed they make the decesions! GO JEJO!

  2. Who asked you monkey? LMAO doesn’t begin to describe how hard I was laughing at that one. You are a knucklehead. Thanks man, that made my day!!

  3. please keep Dani tonight and send home Kalia so the game can get good send Jeff to the Jury room the Rachel

  4. hey Matt is the show rigged? and who do you think is going home tonight and what are your thoughts on the double eviction?

  5. Thanks Matt!
    I look forward to your recaps. They always make me laugh. To bad they didn’t bring you back this season, would have loved to see you go up against Danielle and Jeff. THAT WOULD BE A SHOW TO WATCH!. LOL

  6. either way, Brendon is going to be alone in the jury house with another female.. Wonder if that thought when through Rachels head.. oh no, someone might be along with her man! watch out Rachel, they wanna steal him! :)

  7. Matt I didnt like u during your season (im sure that’s the 1st line u here from every BB fan)but I like ur summaries man very funny. Can’t wait to read the one for tonights episode keep the zings coming peace.

  8. Matt i must say your posts are getting more and more personal and less funny, try to focus more on the humor and less on your personal hatred towards the house-guests.
    Your sense of humor is great that why i am kind of disappointed …

  9. For those of you that love Dani, I have a love/hate relationship with her going on. I think she does in fact make the house more enjoyable to watch with the drama she attaches to the game. She did turn on Jeff right and try to backdoor him earlier…so tit for tat I guess. Be honest with yourself, she can’t be trusted in the least by anyone in the house, even her “friends” are being tossed under the bus.

    From a game-play point of view, it is ideal for them to vote out Dani…she is strong, wins competitions and could continue to do so.

    I know everyone all said they want to be rid of the floaters in the house, but seriously with a half a million on the line who would you rather be sitting next to in order to win it? Dani or Adam? I’ll take Adam thank you and then skip while whistling to the bank to deposit my check, and he can have the “you made it to 2nd place” booby prize…wait shouldn’t that go to Porsche?

    If you’ve watched previous seasons you know that basically the only way to make it to the very end is to win competitions more so then when you have a dozen house-guests…so take out the strong, leave the path to the win open for you. In the beginning, it is all more about who likes you , the proverbial personality lets you stay safe, towards the end you carry your own life-boat by winning and keeping YOURSELF safe. Math is math…when the numbers get lower it is either you or your buddy, most people will opt to keep themselves safe over their friend.

    For the life of me, I still cannot figure out how Shelly is still there…talk about a floater. True enough Porsche is useless, but as she keeps pointing out, she has come in 2nd to 4 competitions…OK so they’re not wins, but it’s a hell of a lot better than some others in the house (*Sneeze* Shelly). Adam has won one, but only because Jeff let him have it. What has Shelly really done but make us think she is truly a complete moron who we desperately want to call Child Protective services on just so her kid can experience some food? By food, I mean something that is actually cooked and not smeared on a piece of bread. LOL Besides you can’t add either Shelly…there is only 3 people in that group…2 are on the block and CANNOT vote and you don’t want to upset that side of the house…WOW!

    I did love how Shelly tried to call out Rachel though in the HOH room. Jeff made it clear…Rachel stays before you when he threw their names in the wheel of nominees; Rachel was SAFE before Shelly was. Have to love subtle messages, but Shelly probably didn’t get that from it like the rest of America did. Zingbot cracked me up with the closeted lesbian reference too, after seeing her husband, the only word that came to mind was “beard”, apparently that family has TWO!

    Anyways, Matt…yet again you captured my heart with your witty play-by-play commentary. I look forward to reading again on Friday after Dani leaves to go to the Jury house. Too bad they don’t show that so much, that should be interesting considering her evicted twice by her hand pal is already there. LOL

      • If it’s grammatically correct I read it. Too often people misspell super easy words or use abbreviations. Thanks Mary for being well-spoken and making good points :D Seriously, sometimes I question the intelligence of BB viewers based on some of the stuff I read here…

      • I read it also. I feel a little left out of the zingbot comments, I have to say I couldn’t understand half of what it was saying.

      • LMAO! When I have to write papers for school the only thing I NEVER ever even pay attention to or worry about is “word count” :P

    • Mary A, I read it all. Thank you for using paragraphs. I didn’t think it was long at all, but thought it was insightful and well written.

      • First, thank you to all that complimented (blushing)

        Secondly, I couldn’t agree more with the common word misspellings and abbreviations that are always used. I go on my 16 year olds FB and cringe at how the kids today write and spell. It is actually more saddening then being cute, as they like to think they are being. I can deal with a “soooo” but the adding of extra letters to just about everything makes me want to be 16 again just so I can punch some people :P My peers are not much better with it, which is just disgusting, because I am almost 40.

        Forth, about Zingbot, we didn’t get to catch a lot of it either only because we have Direct TV, and we had a storm so it was in and out. Even the “recording” was blotchy…UGH! But I did manage to catch the lesbian comment…and rolled because I’ve said that from day ONE! HAHAHAHAHA

        Lastly, to Amy, no I am not an out of work typist, but with Christmas right around the corner, if you need something typed let me know :D Just kidding, or am I? BUAHHAHAHA

  10. Awesome job Matt..see you are not a fan of Jeff the homophobe. And that miss Kalio bit is just too funny.

    • I do not legitimately “hate” anyone on “Big Brother 13”. I am personal friends with several members of the cast, so I am not “jealous” that they are on and that I am not. I am quite happy for those that got selected, in fact. My brand of humor and writing style is snide, cynical, and sarcastic in a purely non-serious/ball-busting manner. It is your choice to either read my recaps or continue to be an ass-face.

  11. how did jeff know that dani said she doesnt regret putting brendon on the block when she was having that conversation in the hoh room

  12. Great job yet again Matt! I swear I was thinking most of the exact same things as I was watching the episode! We def share the same sense of humor. And I don’t understand why some people get so offended by what you write. There are certain house guests that I like more than others, but like them or not….everything you say is pretty much spot on!

  13. Matt, you continue to amuse … I’m not sure how you do it, but it’s brilliant …. However, say what you will about this season’s players, at least none of them are making up having a terminally ill wife ….

    • which the HGs did believe. Brilliance! And maybe some fo the current HGs would have done better taking some lessons on how to tell stories whilst looking others directly in the eyes. rotflmtlsao

  14. people are saying dani should leave because she won 50k… what about jordan whos done nothing and won 500k

    • Damn good point, Kitty! I’d rather anyone win, even the odious Adam, then Jeff or Jordon *shudder*

      • I really don’t think Jordan is trying to win again. She said that she is in the BB house so she can spend the summer with Jeff. She doesn’t expect to win, but she knows how to play the game and really does try her best and doesn’t just stop trying during comps, like Kalia or Shelly.

        I think the HG don’t feel threatened by Jordan, so they don’t want to get rid of her…yet.

  15. I think the twist this year should be….Matt wins the 500k cause he’s done more than the brilliant cast this year. I enjoy his articles more then the friggin show!

    • I agree with you on this. Matt should get the $500k. He’s done more to entertain us than anybody else that’s left in the BB house!!!

      • Ugg. No. You don’t even know that Matt Hoffman actually wrote any of these recaps! Send him $ if you want, but he showed his true colors by lying about his wife.

  16. Anyone who cares about the show being entertaining and watching good game moves should want Rachel to keep Dani tonight. Otherwise, we just get to watch the rest of them fail at competitions and suck from the J/J teat until one of them wins the money.
    Whether you like Daniele or not, the game will get interesting if she stays this week. I won’t stop watching, but BB13 has yet to wow me this season and this would give me a glimmer of hope.

  17. I didn’t like Matt during his season but his blog is hilarious. Remember dani was so disliked in her season that her dad got votes from people he verbally and personally attacked. You have to be pretty bad at this game if evil dick has to drag you to the end to beat you. Sorry princess dani but your days are numbered. Or I guess hours are numbered.

  18. Petition to give Matt Hoffman the 500,000$. He is the only reason I watch the show right now so i can relate to his articles. Sign here!

  19. Dani has not played well this season,but I would rather have her win than jeff the arrogant bully. His comments to Kalia and Portia were very sexist! Dani won her $50.000 seveal seasons ago, and she well deserved it. Jeff won $15.000 this season that’s a big difference. I read somewhere that Jeff has a financial connection with BB,so I question the fairness of his even being on this season. I didn’t watch BB last night, because I didn’t want to see his ugly smug face so pleased because he lied to Dani.

    • Seveal I will assume you mean “SEVERAL” seasons ago. I thought this was Big Brother 13 not Big Brother 15 I must be mistaken though. So lets count sesame street style season 9=1 season 10=2 11=3 12=4 13=5. Maybe next time you post something I can teach you the alphabet to!

    • He did NOT lie to Dani. Why do people keep saying that? When she asked him not to backdoor her, he remained silent. Every season the players on BB distinguish between putting someone on the block initially and backdooring them. In our minds they are the same. But on the game, they are ALWAYS treated as different.

      I would personally rather see anyone win other than Dani or Jordan. They both have won before. They both need to go to jury so someone else can have a shot.

  20. Tonights eviction order: Dani – Kalia
    Next two evicted: Shelly – Porsche
    Final four: Jeff-Jordan-Rachel-Adam
    Final three: Jordan-Rachel-Adam
    Final two: Rachel-Adam
    Winner: Rachel

  21. Matt, as always, your recap was the best… hilarious! Not sure why Dani thinks she wants to be in the game more than anyone else or why she is being so pouty. It was a the best move for Jeff, she got “got”, and they both knew that they were bald-faced lying to each other. Not a “shocker”, lol. I really hope TPTB stay out of it (no BbFortuneTeller Pandora’s box ) and Dani goes to JH. With DE looming, anything could happen and there’s still plenty of drama to be had without Dani. Can’t wait to see Shelly worm her way out of the web she’s woven, to see who goes in the DE Thursday and to read your next recap. To the victor go the spoils… should be a good week!

  22. This seasons SUCKS big time…NONE of the houseguests deserve to win. They all do 1 of the 3 things:
    1- The obvious move
    2- sneakily ignore the obvious move and go for the dumb moves
    3- nothing at all
    And CBS is no different,the twist was horrible and useless and they sucked at casting..what happened to players like Dr. Will and Dan? the only one who would have made it interesting is gone and we’re left with this bunch of useless houseguests uuggghh

  23. I think it would be funny, & we would watch Rachel go completely nuts, if/when Dani gets sent to jury house to say to Rachel “Bye Rachel, I’ll be sleeping with your man tonight”.

    • Yeah I was thinking along those same lines….Dani says something like “Okay ya’ll back-doored me today, but I hope Brendon Back-doors me tonight”! Sorry, just had to say that….not nice…..

  24. Matt,
    Your recaps keep the whole family laughing Thursdays and Fridays. Thanks for the great chuckles! We loved you on the show, and are really happy you’re writing about it this year. The wit is hillarious.

    Also, as for “deserving” to win based on already making money…I don’t get it. What difference does it make how much money someone has? Each season is a different game, and how much money someone already has, or wins, or won, or whatever, shouldn’t make any difference as to whether they win this game or not. (This paragraph wasn’t directed at you Matt.)

  25. MATT – Your commentary was truly worth the read. It’s not enough to say LOL, but rather “I actually DID laugh out loud for more than a few minutes”. Thanks for making my day.

    I thought Rachel was moody, but Dani….. what up girl?? The pouting, sore looser and ‘mean girl’, bully attitude is downright nasty and unbecomming. You deserve all the ‘Rachel glares’ you get and I hope you DO go!

Comments are closed.