Big Brother 13 Episode 13: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman| August 5, 2011 at 9:18 AM EST
Well, folks – we’ve made it. It’s the season (and ideally the series) finale of “The Brenchel Show”. And CBS makes sure to milk it for all that they can!
As always on eviction night, we open up with Julie Chen looking ridiculous in some way. While I could comment on her “stay-at-home-mom of the future” dress, I’m going to opt for the more obvious…the hair. This particular style was taken from the Zuul collection:
Also on pace with tradition, Chenbot builds a false sense of suspense with dramatic one-liners like “with a former Big Brother winner on the block, anything can happen”. If by “anything” you mean “Brendon definitely going home”, then yeah.
In the diary room, Daniele tells us that she’s happy Brendon is still on the block because he “tramples over old women and babies to get prizes”. While I don’t think it’s fair to pick on Shelly and Rachel like that, she does have a good point. Jordan, blissfully unaware that she’s playing for a half-million dollars, says that she doesn’t mind getting evicted as long as she’s wearing her pretty new dress. That’s the fighting spirit, Jordan! Now I understand why you came out on top during your season. Rachel is sad because she says that her and Brendon are the most dynamic duo. Somewhere in a cave underneath Gotham City, Batman and Robin are shaking their heads in disgust.
Next is a long, strange sequence in the Have Not room with Brenchel. Brendon, who is usually a sobbing ball of man-tears, bursts into the room with a creepy smile on his face so large that I can only assume he’s finally come to the realization that he is merely days away from being able to use Skype again. We also get to witness his descent into madness and delusion as he boasts proudly about “dropping a bomb” on the house and “going out with a bang” and being attracted to Rachel’s “beautiful brain”. Rachel, ever the strategist, starts trying to hash out important aspects of her gameplay without Brendon in the house…like who she is going to jump on if she wins a competition.
Outside, Brendon and Rachel use the backyard as their own personal HoH – calling people over one-by-one to talk to them about their votes in a fruitless effort to save Brendon’s ass. First up is Porsche. She’s the blonde girl that you may have seen running into walls and chasing her tail in the background of some shots this season. Rachel actually makes a few valid arguments to voting out Jordan, but the glazed-over look in Porsche’s eyes tell me that the concepts are too much for her to grasp. As her final two brain cells are battling it out for a thought, Porsche just tells Brendon that she’ll vote for him and walks away. Similar interactions occur with Adam and Shelly, and with each passing minute of this show it becomes more and more apparent that Brendon is toast. Props to the CBS editors for even making the effort to drag this out.
Porsche puts on some Obi Wan Kenobi bathing suit thing and then goes up to the HoH room to talk to Dani. Rachel busts in on the conversation and thinks that Porsche is turning on her. The thought of this makes Rachel incensed, saying “why doesn’t she just take out a knife right now and gut me?!” Yep, Rachel – that’s the million dollar question that the viewers have been wondering all season. Dare to dream.
Cut to later on in the back yard where Porsche tries to logically explain to Rachel that it’s not good for her game to be moping around like a crazy person all the time. This sends Rachel into an overdramatic frenzy, and she storms off into the hammock, with Brendon galloping after her. Rachel complains that “no one cares in this game about anyone but themselves” [ummmm…yeah!], but then has an epiphany as she makes some of her most profound and insightful statements of the season:
- “I ruin everything!”
- “When I get out of the house this summer, people are going to hate me more!”
- “I’m not gonna ever get a job!”
- “Brendon, you can’t marry me. I’m crazy!”
- “I’m not even that smart!”
Well, I have to disagree with that last statement, on the sheer merit of all the statements before it. Brendon tries to console her by telling her that she’s made him “more happier” than he’s ever been in his entire life. Clearly Brendon’s PhD is not in English.
Next up, Julie Chen takes it to the living room to talk with the houseguests. She asks Adam if he’ll ever be able to live down being an elf with his heavy metal friends back in Jersey. I’ve been on the fence about my affections towards Adam, but his response definitely pushed him over to the “annoying tool” side. Chock full of idiotic dancing AND nonsensical screaming, I’m done with him.
Next up is a lackluster package from Evel Dick talking about how Daniele’s gameplay is both good and bad (very enlightening) followed by Julie’s HoH interview with Daniele (where a falcon flew into her head and got caught up in her hair), and then it’s time for the eviction speeches. Brendon tucks his balls away and saps it up to a teary-eyed Rachel, while Jordan says all the stock quotes of someone who knows they’re safe (“I love you all”, “vote for who you think will get you further in the game”, etc).
Adam elf-dances like a buffoon down the hall, Lawon annoys me in the 2-seconds he’s on screen, Shelly tries to either sniff or eat her fingers, and Brendon gets evicted by a 5-2 vote. America breathes a sigh of anticipated relief as Brendon sits down for his exit interview with Julie:
JULIE: Brendon – you chose to save your fiancé Rachel instead of yourself. Why?
BRENDON: Love. [crying] Sorry – I’m a bit of a baby at times.
JULIE: At times???
BRENDON: I’m so alone! Let me back in!
Before the HoH, the houseguests get called into the living room for yet another “twist”. Julie tells everyone that next week’s evicted houseguest will have a chance to come back into the house. America learns that they can vote for one of the previous evicted houseguests to return to the game, and Keith eagerly gathers up all the diagrams that he’s been doodling in sequester for “Keith’s Angels 2”.
At the HoH competition, Porsche’s game strategy of standing still with a blank stare on her face actually pays off and knocks out Rachel. Kalia wins HoH, and we are left to “eavesdrop on the houseguests pouting and doing stupid elf dances”.
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).