Big Brother 13 Episode 13: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman

Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Matt Hoffman Big Brother 12

Well, folks – we’ve made it. It’s the season (and ideally the series) finale of “The Brenchel Show”. And CBS makes sure to milk it for all that they can!

As always on eviction night, we open up with Julie Chen looking ridiculous in some way. While I could comment on her “stay-at-home-mom of the future” dress, I’m going to opt for the more obvious…the hair. This particular style was taken from the Zuul collection:

Big Brother 13 episode 13

Also on pace with tradition, Chenbot builds a false sense of suspense with dramatic one-liners like “with a former Big Brother winner on the block, anything can happen”. If by “anything” you mean “Brendon definitely going home”, then yeah.

In the diary room, Daniele tells us that she’s happy Brendon is still on the block because he “tramples over old women and babies to get prizes”. While I don’t think it’s fair to pick on Shelly and Rachel like that, she does have a good point. Jordan, blissfully unaware that she’s playing for a half-million dollars, says that she doesn’t mind getting evicted as long as she’s wearing her pretty new dress. That’s the fighting spirit, Jordan! Now I understand why you came out on top during your season. Rachel is sad because she says that her and Brendon are the most dynamic duo. Somewhere in a cave underneath Gotham City, Batman and Robin are shaking their heads in disgust.

Next is a long, strange sequence in the Have Not room with Brenchel. Brendon, who is usually a sobbing ball of man-tears, bursts into the room with a creepy smile on his face so large that I can only assume he’s finally come to the realization that he is merely days away from being able to use Skype again. We also get to witness his descent into madness and delusion as he boasts proudly about “dropping a bomb” on the house and “going out with a bang” and being attracted to Rachel’s “beautiful brain”. Rachel, ever the strategist, starts trying to hash out important aspects of her gameplay without Brendon in the house…like who she is going to jump on if she wins a competition.

Outside, Brendon and Rachel use the backyard as their own personal HoH – calling people over one-by-one to talk to them about their votes in a fruitless effort to save Brendon’s ass. First up is Porsche. She’s the blonde girl that you may have seen running into walls and chasing her tail in the background of some shots this season. Rachel actually makes a few valid arguments to voting out Jordan, but the glazed-over look in Porsche’s eyes tell me that the concepts are too much for her to grasp. As her final two brain cells are battling it out for a thought, Porsche just tells Brendon that she’ll vote for him and walks away. Similar interactions occur with Adam and Shelly, and with each passing minute of this show it becomes more and more apparent that Brendon is toast. Props to the CBS editors for even making the effort to drag this out.

Porsche puts on some Obi Wan Kenobi bathing suit thing and then goes up to the HoH room to talk to Dani. Rachel busts in on the conversation and thinks that Porsche is turning on her. The thought of this makes Rachel incensed, saying “why doesn’t she just take out a knife right now and gut me?!” Yep, Rachel – that’s the million dollar question that the viewers have been wondering all season. Dare to dream.

Cut to later on in the back yard where Porsche tries to logically explain to Rachel that it’s not good for her game to be moping around like a crazy person all the time. This sends Rachel into an overdramatic frenzy, and she storms off into the hammock, with Brendon galloping after her. Rachel complains that “no one cares in this game about anyone but themselves” [ummmm…yeah!], but then has an epiphany as she makes some of her most profound and insightful statements of the season:

  • “I ruin everything!”
  • “When I get out of the house this summer, people are going to hate me more!”
  • “I’m not gonna ever get a job!”
  • “Brendon, you can’t marry me. I’m crazy!”
  • “I’m not even that smart!”

Well, I have to disagree with that last statement, on the sheer merit of all the statements before it. Brendon tries to console her by telling her that she’s made him “more happier” than he’s ever been in his entire life. Clearly Brendon’s PhD is not in English.

Next up, Julie Chen takes it to the living room to talk with the houseguests. She asks Adam if he’ll ever be able to live down being an elf with his heavy metal friends back in Jersey. I’ve been on the fence about my affections towards Adam, but his response definitely pushed him over to the “annoying tool” side. Chock full of idiotic dancing AND nonsensical screaming, I’m done with him.

Next up is a lackluster package from Evel Dick talking about how Daniele’s gameplay is both good and bad (very enlightening) followed by Julie’s HoH interview with Daniele (where a falcon flew into her head and got caught up in her hair), and then it’s time for the eviction speeches. Brendon tucks his balls away and saps it up to a teary-eyed Rachel, while Jordan says all the stock quotes of someone who knows they’re safe (“I love you all”, “vote for who you think will get you further in the game”, etc).

Adam elf-dances like a buffoon down the hall, Lawon annoys me in the 2-seconds he’s on screen, Shelly tries to either sniff or eat her fingers, and Brendon gets evicted by a 5-2 vote. America breathes a sigh of anticipated relief as Brendon sits down for his exit interview with Julie:

JULIE: Brendon – you chose to save your fiancé Rachel instead of yourself. Why?

BRENDON: Love. [crying] Sorry – I’m a bit of a baby at times.

JULIE: At times???

BRENDON: I’m so alone! Let me back in!

Before the HoH, the houseguests get called into the living room for yet another “twist”. Julie tells everyone that next week’s evicted houseguest will have a chance to come back into the house. America learns that they can vote for one of the previous evicted houseguests to return to the game, and Keith eagerly gathers up all the diagrams that he’s been doodling in sequester for “Keith’s Angels 2”.

At the HoH competition, Porsche’s game strategy of standing still with a blank stare on her face actually pays off and knocks out Rachel. Kalia wins HoH, and we are left to “eavesdrop on the houseguests pouting and doing stupid elf dances”.

Matt Hoffman
For more of Matt Hoffman’s ramblings follow him on Twitter @HeadOfHoffhold and stop by www.TheGremlinCave.com. Also, be sure to check out Matt’s video recaps of the Big Brother season on www.RTVZone.com (@RTVZone).

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114 Comments

  1. Matt your commentary is absolutely hilarious! I look forward to this more than the show itself.
    I share many of your thoughts on the houseguests.

    • I only discovered these a week and a half ago…but I agree, the best part of the show this season is reading Matt’s ripping it apart with his sarcastic tone and spot on observations. GREAT JOB! Do you have anything else online to read?

      Personally I would have evicted Rachel over Brendon to tear the “dynamic duo” apart. Brendon last season after Rachel was gone was a true trooper killing himself to win at all costs…I am fearful that so long as Rachel remains in the house all we’re going to see is flames shooting out of her nostrils towards Dani, and of course tears then more tears followed by the ungodly sounds of her whining…”Brendon’s gone, how will I go on without my Brendon!!!!”. Batman and Robin won’t be the only ones shaking their heads in disgust…UGH!

  2. Great job Matt!! I love reading your recaps, they are spot on to exactly what I am thinking when I watch the show. When I saw Julie Chen last night, I was like what the hell is up with her hair and when Rachel was in the hammock, my thoughts were “Rachel is actually having a moment of clarity and self-awareness!”

    • Lol…moment of clarity and self-awareness! Yes, you are right about that. She finally gets it. Now all we can do is hope the poor child gets help.

  3. Oh my God…I am cracking the hell up at this review. Seriously, you saw this episode exactly as i did.
    “Shelly tries to either sniff or eat her fingers”
    “BRENDON: I’m so alone! Let me back in!”
    “Porsche’s game strategy of standing still with a blank stare on her face actually pays off and knocks out Rachel. ”
    Best comments ever! Lol

  4. These recaps are funny and interesting but I don’t understand what’s up with all the Julie hate, she’s a great host but some people just bash everything about her every chance they get.

    • Julie is a fantastic host – no doubt about it. But for some reason she looked —- off last nite. Could have been the hair, but I’d go with the over large false eyelashes. It’s just not her. The more natural she stays, the more beautiful she is.

    • I think Julie is a natural beauty and doesn’t need to do much of anything to showcase it. Her questions and comments need some help though.

  5. Hilarious. Well said. Hopefully Kalia won’t make any stupid moves and “shakes” the house up like Daniele had done. If it weren’t for Daniele this game would would be a HUGE bore. Go team Dani!!

    • Oh but she will. Don’t you think Dani wants Jeff out of the house now? I think she does and whatever Dani wants that dumb Kalia will give it to her. Dani is using Kalia big time.

  6. Most of Matt’s blog is right on target, and even the snarky comments I don’t agree with are hilarious. I don’t know who I feel sorrier for, Brendon or Rachel, to have to put up with the other. And I thought the same thing about Brendon’s grammar – he might be a rocket scientist but he “ain’t no” English major. (To be fair, Matt… it should be “SHE and Brendon are the most dynamic duo,” not “HER and Brendon.” Love ya though, dude.)

    • Great Lisa’s think alike – don’t pick on people’s grammar unless yours is perfect. Besides, I enjoyed hearing the words Brenchel made up – they make me laugh.

  7. Matt is hilarious. Props for the Julie teasing. It is playful not mean spirited. Reminds me of 2 friends who respect one another but tease relentlessly. Glad cbs hired him.

  8. Yes Matt is much funnier than when he was on BB. he was kind of obnoxious (as are a lot of them in DR & on live feeds). Rachel & Brendon are co-dependant in their craziness IMHO. I hope Cassie gets back in the game & takes Rachel out & wouldn’t that be fun to watch? At least I think it would. Still can’t care about most of these people & have no preferences as to who wins. I hope by the time it winds down I will care. After reading about Adam & other Matt’s failings……Never did like Adam anyway.

    • I wasn’t sure about Adam, but last night he was just obnoxious…trying to be funny but all I could think was OMG just because you have to wear that suit and look foolish, don’t be a fool. The dancing thing was not funny. MHO of course.

  9. ha ha Matt H, as soon as I saw Julie’s big hair I said OMG this is too easy for Matt..Luv her though.

    • I liked the hair – OMG I must be getting old. Wait a min, pretty sure Matt is my age. Who knows?

  10. Honestly, Porsche is seriously sliding through the game with the “dumb blonde” thing she has going on. It’s hilarious to me

  11. Also, I have a feeling that Brendon is excited to go to the sequester house so that he can hit on Cassi (unless one of them gets voted back into the game). Creeper fail

  12. I am pretty sure that Kalia will nominate Rachel and Porsche. If Kalia, Rachel, Porsche, or Daniele win veto, I am sure they will backdoor Jeff (which would be a great move, especially if Dominic returns, Daniele would be so much more powerful)

    Really hope to see Daniele win this season, I hope she wins the next HOH as well.

  13. Hey matt,ur hilararious:)!,i am a little curious tho bout ur comments towards julie chen,which i laugh my a$$ off about,do u have something against her tho?jus thinkin she probly doesnt care for u so much anymore,lol

  14. It is about time Kalia win something. I wanted someone to send that girl home awhile ago. How did her and Lawon last this far?
    I think Kalia will do Dani’s dirty work. Let’s see Rachel is going on the block and maybe Porsche or Shelly!

  15. Yep.. that about sums it up Matt. I cannot wait until Adam takes off that annoying elf suit. I just pray the dancing stops as well.

  16. Funniest recap to date. Although it won’t happen since America is soooo against Brenchel, including 95% of the people on this site; I wish Brendon could get back in the game next week. He’s the best competitor of the evicted HGs.

  17. Matt, luv your comments. When Brendon said that “Racheal has made him happier then he has ever been”, I was really sad for his life. Secretly, I hope Racheal is voted off next week and Brendon is voted back into the game.

  18. Rachel is a definite nominee, and the target, at the behest of Danielle. Danielle fears that Brendon could win the competition to re-enter the game, so getting rid of Rachel now ensures that the Brenchel duo cannot be reconstituted in the house. The pawn is likely Porsche or Shelly.

    • I don’t think Dani is worried about Brendon coming back because Julie only told them there is a possibility that the evicted hg this coming week may return. She never told them about the other 4 being sequestered. She probably thinks Brendon is gone for good. I expect Kalia to put up Rachael and Jeff. If Jeff wins veto he knows she will put up Jordan. I don’t know. I’d be terrible at this game. I don’t want either Jeff or Jordan to leave. I wish she would put up Shelly. She bothers me.

      • No Dani already knows it could be something like that.. She was going over it with Kalia and she said one of the twist could be the evicted person having to battle one of the others to get back in. So she has thought about it…. Jeff and Aden talked about it to so they all kind of have it in their mind.

      • I completely agree in that I do not want Jeff or Jordan to go. And Kalia had several major fights with Brendon and will want to punish Rachel for that association with him, so I think the target will be Rachel.

    • I absolutely do not think Rachel is the target. I think Jeff is the target. I think Dani wants to break up the vets. I think she feels Rachel can be controlled now that Brendon is out because Dani did say Brendon was who she wanted out. Dani wanted to get rid of Jeff before and I think she will talk Kalia into putting Jeff up for eviction and if she puts him up agains Jordon guess who will go home?

  19. That was a hilarious read. I wanted Kalia to win the HOH, but it would have been interesting to see Shelly win. Then she would actually have to pick sides.

  20. OMG lmao Matt you are so funny I love it. You might want to avoid ever meeting Porsche in person after this post… Love it!!!!

  21. Even Dani said that Brendon was the toughest competitor in the game.If Rachel is evicted this week how cool would it be to have Brendon vs Rachel. Dom won 1 competition and the others didn’t win at all. Brendon won 3 POVs and a have-not competition with Rachel. If you are a Jeff and Jordan fan it would also be smart for you to vote Brendon back in because JJ and B(hopefully R too)would work together whereas someone like dominic would team up with Dani and go against.Also Shelly, Adam, and Porsche fans should vote him back in bc Shelly and Adam are with JJ and Porsche is with Rachel(I think, but who knows since Rach isn’t in power again)

    Vote 4 Brendon!!!

    • People while you are giving so much credit to branchel for all their winnings you might want to remember that Dani, Shelly, Porsche did not even compete and at least 3 of the others did NOT want to win… If Dani and ED had been playing in those comps it may have had a very different turn out… And Rachael won the 1st HOH by making a deal with ED/Dani never know how that would have turned out Dani looked like was doing fine and could have held on a long time if they had not made a deal.. Just saying it is a lot eaiser to win when half the house can’t play and the other half won’t play..

    • Vote 2 Cassie. We guys want Cassie back in the house. We were not finished looking at her yet. Whether she is a good BB player or not is irrelevant.

      Then again, if Maxim is smart, they would sign her up immediately for a center spread.

    • Brendon won most of those competitions due to the newbies throwing them. They convinced Porsche and Keith to throw the first and Je/Jo just werent gonna solve a puzzle. They convinced Adam and Dom to throw the 3rd comp and we all know how “great” Brendon can spell. So I don’t think it was a great competitor as much as it was retarded game play on behalf of the newbies.

  22. Can someone clear up what Brendon is studying for his PhD… At first he was all about physics and “rocket science” but then he started talking about curing cancer and he was wearing a UCLA Medicine shirt last night. I’m confused, how does one cure cancer with rocket science?

  23. I feel bad for Rachel but i think she is on some kind of tranquilizer,talking from what i saw last night i don’t know if Kaila will honor Dani till last three, she almost used the race card talking to Dani but Dani stopped her Law is not a bad guy but i think Kaila might put him on the block,as for Jordan i think she is a back stabber too not as bad as Shell but she is not a dumb as she makes believe , she offers Jeff’s money but not hers .She should go on the block,with Shelly

  24. Matt is really good for a laugh. His mind is out there. Love this–

    “In the diary room, Daniele tells us that she’s happy Brendon is still on the block because he “tramples over old women and babies to get prizes”. While I don’t think it’s fair to pick on Shelly and Rachel like that, she does have a good point.”

    Shelly isn’t that old…

    LOL

  25. I don’t usually feel bad for Rachel when she cries and whines week after week, but last night I genuinely felt bad for her when she started listing bad things about herself to Brendon (America will hate me more, You can’t marry me, I ruin everything). Call me overly compassionate, but I actually felt sorry for her for once. I think I’d rather see her stay in the house over an uninteresting floater, like Porsche or Lawon. On a side note, what the hell was Porsche thinking in the HOH comp? Why wouldn’t she put Kalia and Shelly against each other instead of Shelly and Jeff? Her logic, “You two haven’t done it yet.” She must want to get nominated.

  26. These recaps are absolutely FABULOUS!!! They make me laugh everytime!!! Keep up the good work Matt

  27. Hey Matt,what do you think about Rachel and Jeff on the block with Jordan as the replacement. If Rachel survives this week, bring back Cassi to irritate the s*** out of Rachel.

  28. ha! very very good read Matt. Had me smiling & laughing straight through! it was lol thanks

  29. I would feel bad for Rachel if I saw TEARS ! I never see tears only the face like she’s trying so I think it is phoney. I don’t like to see anyone in emotional
    stress like her but i believe 3/4 is fabricated and just a show.

  30. Rock on Matt! This blog has been so much more fun than this obviously staged season has been to date. Team Cassi all the way!

  31. lmao You are too funny matt. I so look forward to your witty sattire. Thanks for helping to make this season more humorous, lord knows the show is going downhill fast.

  32. As usual, hilarious. First thing I noticed was Chenbot’s hair too, lol. What was up with that? Also, wonder why they didn’t show clips from the trashy wedding? I bet Brenchel will be upset that it didn’t get any air time. ( another reason to cry)

      • they are probably saving it for when they do one of those episodes show a bunch of stuff not seen before

  33. If I could script this the way I wanted to then Dani, oops I mean Kalia would nominate Rachel and probably Jeff. Jordan wins POV and saves Jeff, then Dani, oh sorry I mean Kalia puts Porche up so she won’t vote for Rachel to stay but Jeff, Jordan,Shelly and Adam vote out Porche. Porche competes with Brendon to come back and Brendon wins. The look on Dani and Kalias face when Brenchel are back in the game. And then Brendon wins HOH and puts up Dani and Kalia. Long shot but I can dream can’t I???

      • for that to happen brendon would have to be voted back in and that’s NOT happening. i’m sure in real life he’s a great guy?? but in BB World he is a fool. for every one person that like him there are five that hate him.

        it’ll be Dom or Cassie coming back and either way, who ever comes is gonna be on Dani’s side and that’s all that really matters.

      • Don’t be so sure a lot of people are talking about voting Brendon back in even if they don’t like him just because of the drama he will bring. And by the way if Cassie comes back she will no way be on Dani’s side. Dani was one of the people leading the pack to get Cassie out because she was jealous of her with Dominic.

      • I don’t call their crying in the Have Not room, drama.
        It annoys me.
        Brendon gone, and Rachel still in is something I can deal with because hopefull she’ll get pissed and actually yell at people… THAT’S what the viewers want… Not the crying in which makes everyone gag.

  34. Matt, you have topped yourself with this entry. At least half a dozen LOLS. Did anyone notice when the “dynamic duo” phrase was uttered the camera cut to a slow motion shot of Porshe, walking toward the camera with her breasts bouncing?

  35. hi guys. im missed the actual eviction voting although i alwaysknew it would be brendon. can someone tell me who the other person was that voted to keep brendon.

  36. Matt, I understand you’re a columnist and need to poke fun at these houseguest’s actions and words, but you’ve definitely crossed a line.

    Making fun of Julie’s hair/dress, and other thing about the show–fine.

    But making fun of Rachel in a really vulnerable and upsetting moment, admitting all her insecurities, etc, is definitely crossing a line.
    For someone to cry and admit those fears about themselves and their insecurities is huge and its hard and painful to do, and then to read a columnist poke fun of that like it’s funny or a joke is nothing short of disgusting.

    I have lost all respect for you.

    But, hey, I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from a guy who went on national TV and lied about his wife having a condition for “game play.”

    And how ironic it is that you’re calling Brendon out on his cockiness.

    “Super genius” ring any bells, huh Matt?

    I know people will say articles like this is meant for good natue humor, but when said “humor” makes fun of someone else crying and admitting their insecurities (which have nothing to do with the game), well that isn’t humror to me. It’s just plain disgusting.

    • Unlike that tool Brenden, Matt has class and humility. He has said before that his game didn’t end up too well and he’s poked fun at himself as well. I say these posts are a great example of freedom of speech and I look forward to reading Matt’s posts every week. I find them more entertaining than the show itself. Everyone has their own opinions, but don’t tell Matt he’s acting the hypocrit because he’s really not.

  37. Matt, I understand you’re a columnist and need to poke fun at these houseguest’s actions and words, but you’ve definitely crossed a line.

    Making fun of Julie’s hair/dress, and other thing about the show–fine.

    But making fun of Rachel in a really vulnerable and upsetting moment, admitting all her insecurities, etc, is definitely crossing a line.
    For someone to cry and admit those fears about themselves and their insecurities is huge and its hard and painful to do, and then to read a columnist poke fun of that like it’s funny or a joke is nothing short of disgusting.

    I have lost all respect for you, Matt, not that I had any to begin with though.

    But, hey, I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from a guy who went on national TV and lied about his wife having a condition for “game play.”

    And how ironic it is that you’re calling Brendon out on his cockiness.

    “Super genius” ring any bells, huh Matt?

    I know people will say articles like this is meant for good natue humor, but when said “humor” makes fun of someone else crying and admitting their insecurities (which have nothing to do with the game), well that isn’t humror to me. It’s just plain disgusting.

  38. Seriously!!! He has a following? He was annoying and hateful in the house, and I thought it was gameplay….but apparently that’s just who he is. Barf!!!!

    • he’s absolutely hilarious and usually right on the money about his observations. Plus he’s not biased. He thinks everyone in that house is awful.

      • Everyone in this house is AWFUL.

        Bacon Jerkoff
        Porsche 69 (not Porsche 911)
        Red Carpet Chewbacca (Rachel)
        Lawon’s Raft
        The Slave (Kalia, Daniele’s slave)
        Donato Dani (who has some game, not as much as Evel Dick)
        Shelly Patch C.Q. (Nicoderm Patch C.Q.)
        Jeff the Accessory to Armed Floater
        Negative I.Q. with a smile (Jordan)

        This season sucks a royal sack.

  39. Jon, get off your high horse before someone smacks that pony in the ass and you get bucked off! I really don’t think Matt really cares that you have lost all respect for him, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either. It’s been said a thousand times before, and I’m sure will be said a thousand times again: anyone who signs up for a reality show opens themselves, including their character, insecurities, and private lives to the public. If anyone has an obligation to Rachel regarding her state of mind, it’s CBS, as it’d their psych evals she had to pass to get on the show. Do you really think Rachel believes everything she whined about during her meltdowns? She was having a bad day, which happens to us all, and feeling down about herself, and aching for validation and reassurance Brendon. She was fishing for compliments, and Matt gave her one. Matt seems pretty self aware regarding his own game play during BB12, so I’m pretty sure your lame insults aren’t going to phase him. They’ll probably make him laugh, as they did for me, since I find it so ironic that a person will insult someone for being insulting.

  40. Matt, hilarious observations as always. I look forward to your posts every week – especially when I need a good laugh. You’ve said you know some of these people outside of the BB house, is Brenden really THAT big of a tool off screen too or is it just the camera that adds 20 pounds to his pompous head?

    • A lot of people know what Brendon’s head looks like by now, but I guess it depends on which head you’re referring to? If there’s one current/former Big Brother player that has a chance to end up on “To Catch a Predator”, it would be Brendon. Anyone crazy enough to cry tears over Rachel with that much tainted love for her, is also crazy enough to shag after a 14 year old school girl.

  41. Matt, your commentary freaking rocks man.
    It’s funnier than your wife’s Big Brother disease.
    I’m trying to get on to Big Brother 14, and I’m going to emulate my game somewhat after yours, with a little bit of Big Brother poon strategy added in. I’m not going after the Keith’s Angels thing though. I want to have an alliance with two other females in the house, and we’re gonna be called “Poon Sandwich” (referencing the bun) with a shaft in the middle telling what the bun is going to do. I will always be in the middle working it. Working both sides of the bun at the same time. Three’s a company in my game. One poon on top is cool, but having a poon on the bottom is even better.

    Matt is the greatest Big Brother player ever that didn’t win Big Brother. Matt’s game smokes Jordan’s, but Jordan has her friendly blonde-haired poon that provides the aroma the other house-guests seem to love, and always forget to vote off at the same time.

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