Before I get into this Sunday’s recap of “Big Brother,” can I interest any psychotherapists out there (particularly those specializing in relationships) to volunteer their services to Brendon and Rachel? I don’t think they’d ever realize how horribly unhealthy their relationship is enough to seek counseling themselves, so I’m begging someone out there reading this to offer their services. At least give them a session or two for free.

OK, that’s all. Now on to the “Brendon and Rachel Show” recap.

The show picks up with a reminder that Rachel again won the HOH competition. Luckily they edited out her usual ass shot from Brendon picking her up and the sound of her peeing on live television. Then it cuts to Dominic and Adam panicking because they know they’re the only target since Kalia and Lawon are still flying way under the radar for some reason.

Then Jeff tells us he wants rid of Dominic. Why? Who knows. They should be targeting Kalia and Lawon. Either of those two making it to the jury house would be a ridiculous joke.

Next we’ve got a shot of Rachel’s “Who wants to see my HOH room!?!?!?!” Only this time the other HGs are hiding and planning to bomb her with pillows. Ah, if they could only use rusty knives and rotting meat.

And once again, we get to see Rachel’s HOH room. Yay! More photos of half-naked Rachel and a fridge full of Lean Cuisine!

Adam makes a trip to the HOH room to shoot for a deal. Brenchel tell him what he wants to hear and he goes off to bathe in bacon grease (I imagine). His visit is followed by Lawon. I guess Lawon finally remembered he’s playing a game on television worth $500,000. He mumbles some stuff and acts like Jackee Harry then goes off to polish his crocs (I imagine). Kalia doesn’t even bother talking to anyone about anything.

In case you were wondering, Dominic snores.

Next Rachel informs the HGs it’s time for a luxury competition. It goes something like this: Adam screams about Tori Spelling and probably bacon, bald guy bad at line reading comes out and gives some clues about an international superstar, Jordan figures from some bars of soap and some binoculars that the mystery guest is David Hasselhoff, Porsche forgets Michael Jackson is dead and guesses he’s the surprise guest, other HGs make horrible guesses, and Jordan wins. I love run-on sentences.

So David Hasselhoff is there to whore out his new show that premiered after “Big Brother.” I was about to be bored and annoyed until Jordan picked Jeff, Kalia and Shelly to share in her win and not Brendon and Rachel. So that led to some amazing pouting and arguing among Brenchel.

How dare Jordan not pick the current HOH, Rachel exclaims! She pouts in a corner, leaving herself vulnerable to more of Brendon’s emotional abuse. For a minute we even kind of believe Brenchel is mad enough to nominate Jeff and Jordan for eviction. But of course that would be way too good TV. All we get is more fake crying from Rachel and real crying from Brendon.

After Brenchel’s fight has paused ended, Dominic comes in and makes what sounds like a solid deal. So it seems like Brendon and Rachel want to work with Dom and Daniele and forget Jeff and Jordan. That sounds like good TV again.

Daniele tries to get Brendon and Rachel to put up Jeff and Jordan as well. Exciting, right? Yeah. It was. Until Rachel nominates Dominic and Adam. So who knows what the plan is. No one will know until Thursday after someone walks out the door.

If you don’t want to wait until Wednesday to find out who won the Power of Veto, we’ve to those spoilers right here.